Hi,

I'm Momo and I'm pretty new here. I discovered this site about a week ago.

I haven't made an effort to go clean for quite some time. Around twice/three times a year I make a real effort (usually around the Jewish holidays), and I can last for a week, two the most. I then fall and completely give up trying for months after that.

I decided that I will try this time again, and if I fall, I will blee neder pick myself up and try right again!

For this run, I'm on day10.

I'm partnered with Postal, who's a great guy and gave me some good chizuk already.

--Momo

Welcome!!!

We are here for you anytime you need a listening ear, or a pillar of strength. May Hashem give you the strength to reach 90 days and beyond.....

Chazak V'Ematz!

Hi Momo and welcome to the boards,

Making a firm commitment to keep fighting no matter what is a very valiant thing to do.

Do you have a filter installed?

Wishing you much bracha & hatzlacha

Momo, welcome home. I'm sorry that I can't welcome you properly as I'm feeling very drained today (both physically and emotionally) but I do want to tell you that you came to the right place!

HATZLOCHOH RABOH!!! CHAZAK VE'EMATZ!!!

Hi everyone,

I had some thoughts on this day 11 of my battle with the Y"H that I wanted to share. If I fall (G-d forbid), I might read this and find it useful. I hope I might help give ideas for you guys out there to help with you with your struggles.

First, wanted to mention that I made 2 blee neder commitments before starting my battle with the Yetser Hara (Y"H) of immorality. The first one I did for health reasons, not realizing that it would help me for this battle. I sit all day by the computer (working and surfing), and I've had some recent health problems as a result. I gained a big Y"H to eat sweets, I would eat large portions of food, and I became overweight (I gained about 20 pounds). So, about 3 months ago, I decided to stop eating sweets, eat healthy, and lose weight. Thank G-d, I've been successful so far, and I've already lost between 10 and 15 pounds. I didn't lose weight for this purpose, but I see now that learning to control my Y"H for food helps me control my Y"H for immorality. I now eat to live, I don't live to eat. I think controlling the Y"H in one area makes it easier in other areas as well. There are different opinions on this, as I heard that Rebbi Nachman (Breslov) said that to fight the immorality Y"H he let himself indulge in other areas, like eating. I guess each person should do what works for him.

The second commitment (a really blee neder one) is to grow peot. I actually read this idea on this forum, although I started it before. I think it's important for me to see a physical change with me as I'm battling the Y"H. Every time I look in the mirror, I say to myself "See, I'm not the same person I was 11 days ago. I don't just feel different (and feelings come and go), but I look different" The Rabbis says that a Baal Teshuva can change his name to show he's not the same person, but that's not really an option for me since I already go by my Hebrew name. I don't know how long I can keep growing them. They are not very long now, but when they get long, I might feel embarrassed or be ridiculed at work. Anyway, I'm enjoying them now. I was also thinking, when they get long enough, women might avoid me if they are not dressed appropriately out of embarrassment. I have actually seen this before, as if something inside even the most secular woman knows she's doing something improper.

After these 2 preparations, I heard a lecture about this topic, found this website, and decided to do battle.

The first 6 days weren't too tough on me. Since then, it's been hard. I just take each HOUR at a time. Sometimes the itch is so bad, when I'm at work. I do one of two things to remove the "itchy" feeling I get to sin.
1. First, I put on my headphones and listen to an inspiring Jewish niggun really loud. If this doesn't work, I go to number 2.
2. I leave my computer, pour myself a cold drink of cola and go outside for a few minutes in the cold air until I cool off, I guess like a cold shower  .

It's hard not having the ability to relieve the tension like I used to.

Here are some positive outcomes of my difficult struggle (reasons to keep it up even though it's hard):

1. Yesterday for the first time in a long time I was not embarrassed to touch the Torah when it went around, and I actually walked up special to touch and kiss it. I still feel uncomfortable when I get an aliya and when shaking the Rabbi's hand after dovening, but I imagine this will pass too with time (BeEzrat Hashem).
2. I feel that my dovening is much better since I've started coming clean, and feels much more sincere.
3. I feel closer to HaShem.
4. I'm getting a lot more work done at work since I'm not wasting so much time surfing from work. I know, that's pretty bad since it's not only the sin of looking at inappropriate things but also stealing company time. Please don't be too hard on me; I'm a bit sensitive now! This just goes to show you how the internet addiction can take over your life.

For the first few days, I felt like I was running up the mountain. For the past couple of days, I've felt like I'm crawling up. 90 days seems like a very long time and far away from day 11, but if I take it one day at a time, BeEzrat HaShem I'll make it. However, I really wonder what will change on day 91. I don't think the Y'H will go away. Sorry, but I am also suspicious about what I've read here that after 90 days our brains are rewired.  I would imagine that if we change our habits for 90 days we are used to not surfing certain sites, and get used to walking with our eyes down, etc. Perhaps someone who has reached day 90 can tell me.

For eveyone who has gotten this far, thanks a lot for reading.
May HaShem give us all the strength to continue climbing the mountain, and stomp on the Y"H for good!
Momo

I hit 90 days a bit more than a week ago. There is no switch that is activated when you hit 90 days. I had the same question as you when I started out. I see now what the answer is. It gets easier and easier to resist the further you go from your addiction, and therefore by the time you hit 90 days (and even before that) you will see that it is a thousand times easier than it was at the start. Take the leap of faith (that's really what it is) and you'll never regret it. Trust me!

Momo wrote on 26 Feb 2009 10:19:


If you REALLY want to, you will.

Momo, that's a very inspiring post, with very good advice! Thank you!

It's important to realize that the idea of 90 days, is about the addiction aspect only. 90 days is probably an average; if you read the threads of ano, jack and be-holy you'll see that it got much easier at about 70 days (if I'm not mistaken).

But as far as the taivoh itself goes, it won't disappear and you don't want it to either. Every day, every hour, every minute, every second and every regah that you control it,
is much much more chashuv in the eyes of Hashem, than we can ever possibly imagine. And the same is true about the reward you get!

Yesterday I completed day 13. B"H I had a great Shabbat. Felt great running after the Torah to give it a kiss, and even felt good when shaking the Rabbi's hand.

I'm very excited as I approach the 2 week mark since I don't remember going for more than 2 weeks before falling.

There was that one time I was in Yeshiva for the year where I had no distractions at all (no women, magazines, internet, I was rooming with other guys-not alone) and I went clean for the entire 10 months. I don't think there was much struggle. There was no decision to alter my "looking" behavior, I was just in a secluded environment. The proof is that unfortunately, shortly after returning from the year in Israel I fell big time.

This time (like the other times I really tried but lasted only about a week or so until I fell) is much more real since it's a real struggle in the "real" world.

I feel that due to this site and forum, this time will be different. In the past, after making a huge effort and lasting a week or so I would get so depressed that I would give up for months before even trying again. This time, I'm looking at a long-term life change, not just a short term effort. Also, Chas Veshalom if I fall, I intend to pick myself right up. This is an important lesson that I learned on this site, that even if you fall, you don't lose the credit that you've gained by past efforts. A winner picks himself up after he falls and continues. A loser falls and stays down.

The spirit of GUE has entered you :D Welcome to the army of Hashem's front line soldiers!

guardureyes wrote on 01 Mar 2009 11:28:


Thanks GUE for the words of encouragement.

I just slipped.   I kept my filter to allow YouTube since there are great music videos there (Jewish ones and not-Jewish ones) that I enjoy listening to while I'm working. But, as you know, YouTube can be a trap. What do you guys suggest? Must I give up all YouTube videos, including the great music ones, or is there another way (to have my cake and eat it, as they say)?

Thanks.

Unfortunately, all of us here on the forum know that YouTube is one of the biggest stumbling blocks. In my experience in this feild, if you don't give up YouTube completely (and other sites like it, such as Google video), your filter isn't worth very much and you are bound to fall. Momo, can you give this up to Hashem? We don't have Korbonos today unfortunately, but if you give this up I am sure that In Shamayim they will announce: "Momo had a big part in today's Korbon Tamid!"




Now put these beautiful and inspiring words of yours into action!

You MUST listen to this 5 minute clip from a Shiur by Rabbi Shafier.

There might be a slight possibility, there are certain programs that can copy the content of the Youtube-videos. With this you can copy the ones you like and then block youtube.

/JG

GUE, wow. Powerful words. Thank you for putting it so beautifully.

OK, I just blocked YouTube (Google video was already blocked). I guess not listening to the inspirational Jewish songs (on YouTube) as well as not watching my daily video news feeds is worth sacrificing in order for me not to slip again or Chas VeShalom fall by watching other videos.

I must admit, this is a really hard one...

May my sacrifice be a zchut for Am Yisrael, and bring us closer to the geula shleima (and more rain to Eretz Yisrael). 

AMEN! I have tears in my eyes.