Hi there - you're making a great start! Coming here is an incredible first step, a statement that you really do want to change. As others have said, you have to find what works for you - if the basic tools and camaraderie here can help you get clean, fantastic! If you find yourself still struggling at some point, don't be too proud to take steps further.

It sounds like you're doing a lot of thinking, trying to figure things out. I can definitely relate.

One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time, if necessary. 

silentbattle wrote on 23 Feb 2017 02:52:

Thanks! I wouldn't say this was my first step though. 

The camaraderie is amazing! 

It's funny you said "it looks like I've been doing alot of thinking" Actually I've been doing a lot less thinking than usual. Just been writing more.

P.S BTW I believe I've read something you wrote. Nice piece. It was about why your name is "silentbattle". 

What has been so key for me is how the forum adds some noise to my battle. I used to not want to think about the fact I struggle with this. I'd try to forget. Go a month sober and then I'd get a harsh reminder when I fell. 

We have to lose the shame. We have to stop being scared. We tell ourselves don't think about it and it will go away. It's the opposite, face the enemy. Don't turn your face and pretend he's not there. That leaves you exposed. 

I think about so many things throughout the day, I don't mind thinking about this as well. It doesn't contaminate the mind. 


If you want to do that just act out. 

Talking to myself folks.

I think there's a lot of truth to that. My sponsor was just telling me that if we, for example, a woman who is triggering, we shouldn't just try to ignore it and move on. We can be aware of the feeling we have, and say, "Hashem, please let me see her as you see her."

I think writing may help us focus our thinking.

100%. It stops me from going in circles and making myself crazy. It also deepens awareness of things I already know. 

Writing it all out gives tremendous clarity. It defines the monster in real terms - as a figment of our imagination. Half the battle, or maybe more, is already won by opening up and sharing with others - admitting imperfections - being human. It is amazing to see how newcomers(including myself) begin taking serious steps to recovery early on. Example - I never dreamed I would actually speak to people about this mess - and if I would, it would be a massive trigger. Nothing could be further from the truth. Even though I was very graphic and explicit, not only was I not triggered, I gained tremendously from putting it all on the table. So keep on writing, sharing, growing - and very soon you will be helping others too (you may already be)

Ihavenostrength wrote on 23 Feb 2017 03:04:

Good. Thinking just gets us deeper in our own stuff.

Day 13: I'm going to post every day till 90 iy"h. It helps me focus and reminds me not to underestimate this challenge.

Therefore, my posts may not always be pertinent. For that I apologize. 

I've gone away for shabbos. It's a nice change of scenery. 

B"H I've been learning what I need to daily. 

It's pretty insane how hard it is for me to do things I need to do. 

It seems I've somehow conditioned myself to be unable to enjoy so many things. To shy away when something requires effort. (Not nessacarily related to this struggle BTW.)

When I was a kid I learnt things so much more effortlessly. Now, every required task causes my jaw to clench. 

Maybe it's because I've gotten so used to failing, in this struggle, that I look at every task as a potential way to fail. Who knows... 

Ihavenostrength wrote on 23 Feb 2017 20:01:


ABSOLUTELY RELATED to this struggle.
Shying away from necessary tasks is also known as procrastination.
Procrastination creates overwhelm.
Overwhelm equals stress....
And what's our favorite way of De-Stressing??????
What was it again????
Can anyone remember???

Ihavenostrength wrote on 23 Feb 2017 20:01:


Boy, can I relate to that one!!!
That's meee.
Are you me?
That's mamesh me. : )

When I said "may not be related" I meant that I don't think my difficulty getting things done was caused by masturbation and porn.

You bring up a great point though, not meeting our commitments/duties as a result of procrastination, could lead to stress, which we know is no good. 

On further thought though, I realized that my being unable to enjoy things, everything being difficult for me, was in all likelihood caused by masturbation and porn.  

A key symptom of depression is being unable to experience pleasure in things you previously found enjoyable. 

Do you know what causes depression? It ain't as simple as I'm gonna say it, but there is a common denominator by all cases of depression. It's called "runaway stress response." It means you are constantly under a high level of stress. This is really unhealthy. 

This problem has really stressed me out over the last ten years or so. I was carrying a burden no kid should have to carry alone. 

No wonder I've been depressed for quite a while. 

So I've been taking steps to fix it. I've been taking St. Johns wort for the past five weeks. In Europe it's a prescription anti-depressent in America it's a supplement. (It can take up to six weeks to work). I've seen some improvement B"H. 

Been doing some other things as well.

One of the best natural remedies for depression is exercise. It is clinically proven. Connection with people is also an essential tool in battling depression. Forums, and even better, actual conversations with people that care, can do wonders.

I wish you much hatzlocha. I know all too well the extremetorment of depression having gone through it myself. Mine was also due to teenage suffering in silence. BH it's history now. I'm yirtzeh Hashem by you - b'karov.

Thank you.

I've been doing a bit of exercise everyday. It's called the 7 minute workout. Need to do more of course. Perhaps next week I'll start doing another circuit for a total of 14 minutes. 

I've been trying to connect to people more, even when I don't have anything particularly important to say, I'll try to make conversation. 

It's particularly easy for me stay isolated as I don't have a chavrusa (never worked for me). 

It's so interesting how in order to be happy we need to connect with others. Seems a bit strange. Like why can't I live on an Island and be happy? 

Maybe because Hashem made the world in a way where we're meant to contribute, to give. This can only happen through connection. We're not supposed to be self-serving.  

To be of service to him and others. 

Gotta get healthy first before I can be too much use to others. 

Hey Hashemhelpme! Would you mind sharing a bit of your story? 

Ihavenostrength wrote on 24 Feb 2017 03:53:

Exercise until you really shvitz. Dopamine is secreted in the brain.
The answer you gave for why we need companionship is what chazal say.
You are already helping others by posting here.

Ihavenostrength wrote on 24 Feb 2017 04:04:

You can see my story on the first page of my forum "My story and G-d bless GYE" or you can PM me your email address and I will send it to you.