This is day one or perhaps it's day zero. I fell today. It wasn't much fun. I was clean for 32 days. That is about how long I usually go for. I really want to be done with this problem. I just want to be normal. My self esteem is crushed every time I fall. Somehow internal adversity is more painful than an external adversary. For if it's an external adversary, even if he's causing you pain, you don't take the blame for it. Only the pain. With the internal losses you get both. I suppose I'm my own worst enemy. Well I hope that was morbid enough for you, because I'd like to begin my journey.

Welcome,

B'hatzlachah.

It's interestin' that we have two threads one next to the other. One by a guy called ihavenostregth, and the other by a guy called strength365.

cordnoy wrote on 10 Feb 2017 20:13:

So make sure that whenever you post on one thread you immediately post on the other one too.

And the next thread after those 2 is by Gibbor120

Welcome. You're in the right place.

First of all please take time to read through the GYE handbook.  No two people are the same, everyone has a slightly different set of circumstances, but we all share this problem and since we share the problem we can share the solution too. The book is written in a general way so it can apply to everyone. I found it helpful to really think about what the book was saying and how it applied to me and my own life.

This is a very common problem nowadays, you're far from the only one to deal with it. The word addict gets thrown around quite a lot, but most people who struggle with this issue are not addicts, just normal people with a normal yetzer hora. Which is good. Some people have come to realise that they really are addicts because their situation got gradually worse and worse despite working on it. When I say worse I mean, in frequency, severity or just feeling worse after every slip. If that is the case we may need more than GYE, which most people find to be therapy or SA or both. But I wouldn't jump to that conclusion about you. Many people have overcome this challenge right here on GYE using the tools in the handbook.

So stick around. Keep posting, keep reading and keep on trucking.

Ihavenostrength wrote on 10 Feb 2017 20:04:

I don't

Strength365. What happens in a leap year? Oh boy.

Welcome! Hatzlocha!

Not day one. Not day zero.

But One Day

Also I noticed the "I" in your username is capitalised. Must've taken some strength. Think about it.

Never give up hope

Ihavenostrength wrote on 10 Feb 2017 20:04:

Welcome. You came to the right place. Here you will feel normal. You will find yourself in the company of intelligent ehriche yidden who also struggle like you and you will pick up tips on how to iyh lengthen your clean days more and more. For starters, you are being too hard on yourself. 32 days is a "chaticha re'uyah l'hischabed" !  Imagine the simcha you cause in shomayim as you stay in control for so long at a time. Secondly share some more details. How many years is this going on for? Are there specific triggers? Stay in touch and iyh you will see yourself succeeding.

Day 2: I don't really have anything to write. I'm only writing because I promised myself I would write everyday. I'm going to write more details of my story soon iy"h. I honestly just don't have the strength right now to do it. I'm in place where positivity, talk about overcoming, is feeling pretty shallow to me. I've been telling myself this stuff for too long now. I know I can usually go about a month clean and life while not perfect, or even great... becomes somewhat manageable. But then comes the fall. It's a hard fall. Ok, here's some bare bones details about my life. Which undoubtedly, you will find fascinating (heavy sarcasm alert). It started when I was roughly in 5th grade. I'm in my early 20's. I'm not completely new to this site. Had a username once but don't remember the account details. I have no investments or own any stake in "gibor365" or any other strength related usernames. I have read the handbook. Perhaps more than once. I have covenant eyes on my phone. Which helps to a point. I suppose things are better than they were years ago in terms of frequency etc. However, as the years go by, each fall seems even more catastrophic somehow. Perhaps because I remember thinking to myself, promising myself, that when I would become bar mitzva it would end. It didn't obviously. Then you find about others who are struggling, someone close to you perhaps. Someone younger. They are being helped a little, perhaps because they were caught looking at something they shouldn't have been. So a parent ensures that their internet is filtered or monitered, thinking that's all there is too it. I try to help, support, knowing there's much more. I wish I could really help them, because I know how much it sucks. Then acceptance comes. Realizing each person is responsible for himself. There's a limit to what we can do. I felt that if I could get to 90 days then maybe I could be something of an inspiration, a sign that its not all hopeless. Ah well, it's all part of the plan I guess. I just wish there was a different plan, or at least that I was let it on what it is. Gut voch! I hope everyone has a great week. Thanks for all the comments and encouragement.

Ihavenostrength wrote on 12 Feb 2017 05:43:

Thank you for writing as much as you did.

3 things occurred to me while reading your post:

1) I found that reading is very different from applying what I read. I didn't know that for a long time and I would think that because I read the book I was done with it. In fact the ikkur to apply what it says, which can take a lot more effort than reading.

2) The GYE handbook has 20 levels of dealing with the problem. If one level doesn't work then add the next level to your efforts. Most people look only at frequency when determining if things are getting better or worse. My opinion is that if frequency is roughly the same, but you feel worse each time, that's a good indicator of things are getting worse, perhaps quicker than you realise.

I took a big step up the 20 levels after acting out one time. The act itself wasn't any worse than any other time, the frequency hadn't changed at that point. It was just one time too many and I was defeated. I knew I had to change my approach.

3) I also felt that getting 90 days would prove something to myself and other GYE members. The more I tried to force 90 days the worse I felt and the harder it became. In fact I never got anywhere close to 90 days until I took the step I mentioned and ditched the 90 day obsession. When I focus just on today, I can have a good day, with Hashem's help, and the days start adding up by themselves. But I don't dare look down or I'll lose my balance.

Day 3: I'm feeling pretty low right now. I don't want to talk to, or even look at people. It's almost as if I'm sick and don't want to infect anyone. People seem more shallow and cruel to me. It's hard to hear their bickering. Their gossip about others. It's easy to think that if any if these people knew who I am they wouldn't think much of me. This makes their friendship seem worthless, not worth pursuing. I know this is all pretty horrible stuff. I'm just reporting what I feel. I make no claims to their position on the scale of reality or truth. 

Another thing I'm struggling with is developing a sense of purpose. I haven't made much progress. I'm not even sure I should be trying to. Many times after a fall, with my mind confused and in disarray, I'd plan an overhaul of my life. Convinced that perhaps a strong focus on something, a sense of mission would be the answer. An obsession to distract. Perhaps I also felt as if these constant failures had to be compensated for in some other area. 

Then I turned to thinking that I couldn't think along those lines till I made substantial progress in my addictive behaviors. Maybe I needed to relax with my ambitious goals. They weren't succeeding anyways, they were stressing me out. Perhaps, I need to get healthy first. A healthy person can accomplish things. He's not burdened with shame and guilt.

It's just... I've been trying to be healthy for too long now. 

We have similar names.
I am an eternal optimist.
Maybe we are alter-egos
I think this is going to become an epic thread.
And I think your recovery is also going to be epic.
You will find what works for you B"H with Siyata Dishmaya
And we are all rooting for you here.
What is changing the game for me completely is my shmirat eynayim.
Its the secret to succeeding and no joke that its the name of this site.
Wishing you all the hatzlocha in the world. OMAAT

Thank you. What does OMAAT stand for?

One monster at a time