Ihavestrength wrote on 06 May 2019 19:36:

So spot on. I saw some ASMR videos for a few second with
the attractive female “hostess” or whatever she is. Definitely worth staying away from. And it’s clearly meant to entice. 

Hey all! It's been a long time since I've posted on this thread or really been active on GYE. Lots of reasons for that, most of them good I think. Anyways, felt like posting now, so here we are. I'm actually toying with the idea of doing a sort of daily posting thing for 90 days. I'll do today at the very least. 

Day 2: Not really trying to get to 90. Been "clean" for a lot less than that and a lot longer too. Thankfully, days don't add up for me anymore really. This isn't so because I'm great, but rather because I've been getting treatment for my ADHD, and I'm not constantly overwhelmed by impulsive thoughts, so I'm not still chasing the false hope that refraining from porn for any given time will stop those thoughts. It didn't btw.

I realized that it's ADHD → Compulsive sexual behavior and not Compulsive sexual behavior → ADHD. 

If that didn't make sense to you, I apologise. I'll try to talk more about this another time. 

I'm in the need of a bit of an incentive to make the right choice on a daily basis, and I think posting may help, so that's what I'm doing. Anyways, you're welcome for the exciting post! See you tomorrow IY"H. 

Day 4: Why does milk smell weird after only a couple of days. Milk sort of grosses me out. Not sure why that's important to talk about, but hey, it's a free country, ain't it? 

Things seem to get more difficult when I start posting on GYE. Focusing on something like this has its downsides. I guess I'm just trying to make things more challenging and exciting for myself lol. 

Ok, you're welcome for another incredible post. Good Shabbos people!

Ihavestrength wrote on 31 Jan 2020 13:53:

I noticed that myself. I think it is a yetzer hara though. "Stop participating in GYE because it is making it harder for you." Push back against the yetzer. Anyone who has signed up and is actively participating in GYE has a reason to be here. Without using this program we haven't been successful. Otherwise, we wouldn't be here. 

Day 6: Tough day today, but thank G-d, doing OK.

It's funny, because I used to think what's wrong with me, why am I having a tough time, must be deeper issues that need to be worked on. Now I'm like no... I'm single, not totally zen, and have a desire for connection with the opposite sex which isn't being satisfied within my frum lifestyle. So no, wanting to masturbate or look at porn isn't pathological, even if it's a very strong desire. Oh ya, and I have a pretty impulsive personality, which in today's day and age they call ADHD  lol. 

Gut voch and Shavua Tov!

Still day 6 cause I posted last night after 12am: Yup, I'm that technical lol. Not much going on. Just read the study that MenachemGYE posted on the thread about what if someone recognized you real life. Pretty interesting study. Ive got some questions, but a little too tired now to write about them though. So it's off to bed for me now. Good night!

Day 7: Somewhat tempted to masturbate or watch porn today. I've got some angst related to the medication I'm taking. The the dose I've been taking is much too high and is making me feel not well and stressed. Additionally, I'm somewhat stressed because to go through the process of getting the prescription at a lower dose is going to be a huge hassle. Lastly, I'm worried that taking the medication on my current dose has negatively affected my health in a lasting way. 

Anyways, enough worrying for one night. Time to go to sleep and try again tomorrow. Good night peeps! Sleep well! 

Day 9: Had nocturnal emmission last night. No sexual dreams or orgasm that I can remember. Just woke up etc. Not something I'm worried about. Anyways, super tired. Haven't had a minute free, been crazy busy. Pretty tempted at the end of the day to let myself really let go and watch some porn or masturbate. 

In a sense, the whole thing about claiming that things get easier after a while being clean is BS for many. Things don't get easier in my experience, and I've been clean for very long periods of time. Also, it's not true to be like, porn and masturbation are horrible, make me feel like garbage etc. Are you being honest? Is it really the porn and masturbation? Or is it you shaming and guilting yourself afterward? 

I'll be honest. I don't think that masturbating it watching porn will make me feel horrible. In fact, there are benefits for me to engage with it. It physically relaxes me (that is a fact, orgasms are relaxing). However, despite the benefits I'm choosing not to engage. Why? Simple. It doesn't fit with my values and lifestyle as a frum Jew, and deeper perhaps, it doesn't fit with how I want to think of myself. I don't want to be a person who masturbates or watches porn (this value is likely a result of being raised drum etc.). Basically, there are serious downsides to not masturbating or watching porn as a single dude. However, I think that living in alignment with your values is worth alot more than that. Ok, -end rant. 

Ihavestrength wrote on 06 Feb 2020 03:55:

Amen, brother.

Ihavestrength wrote on 06 Feb 2020 03:55:

Imagine if you never heard that P & M were bad.  Maybe the shame and guilt would not be as severe, but would you agree that the emptiness that remains after the act is done would still be there?   Where do you think that emptiness is coming from?