Yo, it may be cause I'm a bit out of sorts, but I don't understand what you are saying. Thanks!

I'm asking you why you are better off being a Jew. Do you know?

mzl wrote on 21 Jun 2018 20:32:

What does that have to do with anything?

mzl wrote on 21 Jun 2018 20:11:

"Psssttt, wanna make 50 grand?"

Gevura Shebyesod wrote on 21 Jun 2018 20:49:

Gevura, that was great

mzl wrote on 21 Jun 2018 14:08:

I think it's miserable

Took the day off from work today.

Need some time to breathe.

Thank G-d feeling much better today than yesterday. Hugely grateful for that. 

I also went to my first SA meeting yesterday. It was aight.

I went cause I figured why the hell shouldn't I. People make as if it's such a huge deal to go.

I probably didn't go for a while cause I wanted to prove I could beat this thing myself. I guess I proved that already, sorta. 

Truth is, I think I probably can totally beat this thing eventually, even alone; but why the hell shouldn't I do everything and anything that will make it easier and more expedient? 

P.S. Sorry, if I was bragging a bit. I have a bit of an ego  

Edit: Oh ya, and screw melatonin, it definitely had a hand in me watching porn yesterday. Made me super groggy and stuff. Threw out the whole darn bottle. 

Calling people when I'm feeling weak and then telling them how I'm feeling helps me stay strong. 

Not because they can talk me down, and not because I then feel accountable. 

I think it helps because it's good for me to admit I'm human, that I'm struggling.

Also, it takes the struggle outside of fantasy land.

Instead of being this incomprehensible urge, it becomes right-sized and more clearly defined. "I feel weak right now. I want to do something I will regret."

It helps me see that my struggle is nothing more or less than that. 

Gut voch! 

I keep going back to watching or listening to something sexually related. It seems that I started a process that I can't stop now. 

I think that I'm going to feel terrible tomorrow, and that sort of annoys me, cause I was just starting to feel a bit better.

However, I think that in reality I have more control over how the day will go than I care to admit. 

Lets get real for a moment with what happened. You listened to some sexual audio. Ok. That does not mean that tomorrow or the next day needs to be a disaster. 

Oh and by the way, I'm keeping my sobriety definition the same, however, I am not using the counter on GYE cause it doesn't fit their rules. 

To help me, I made a taphsic that I'd give 50 bucks to the Democratic party if I look at porn or listen to sexual audio in the next week. If I take a 20 minute walk or read for 25 minutes before, I only need to give 10 bucks.

Taphsics never helped me long term (or as a primary method) but they have helped me get out of a rut of compulsion. So hopefully it'll help me this time as well. 

It's going to be fine. I'm doing great. I don't think that's denial. I've been having a really rough week, but I'm doing ok. I AM making progress, and sometimes setbacks are part of the process. 

This next week is gonna be beast.

You went to a meeting. Is that your plan now then? Or tapshic?

Thank G-d. Good productive day.

A positive attitude really does help things. Taking pride in your small achievements, cleaning the house, running nessecary errands, it can really change things.

Hey all,

Here's something I wrote to a good friend today. I'm posting it here, cause it may be helpful to someone: 

"Stam. I just got some clarity.

I was getting really overwhelmed, feeling like I just can't stop taking actions of lust, because I have been taking many more actions of lust in a short period of time than I've taken in ages.

I've got some clarity as far as what keeps on driving these behaviors. Meaning, why am I suddenly careening of the road?

It has to do with how I felt about looking at porn which broke a 9 and a half month streak of not looking, and the unpleasantness of ejaculating without intending to at all (was not looking at porn), even though I know I didn't lose my sobriety, it was very unpleasant. It also broke a streak even if not of sobriety, it broke a streak of not orgasming.

Psychologically these things hurt my self esteem/ego ALOT.

Additionally, meetings didn't help me to stop this on and off lust binge, so this made we worried that they are just making me feel helpless and leading me to overemphasize this area of my life.

Here's the clarity I got: The only streak that Icare was broken was a streak of not having taken a real, deliberate action of lust for almost four months straight.

Cause even though I didn't look at porn for ages, I was still slipping each month, as you remember well.
So what is really dear to me is periods of not taking significant, deliberate actions of lust. I just had my longest streak ever. It was disheartening to break it. Going from freedom to jail is traumatic! But I should really be congratulating myself and moving the F on, try to break this record.

It feels like I've been lusting for a while now, but I've only been slipping on and off for a WEEK AND A HALF. A bad week and a half! That's all! In my mind, I had so little perspective, I figured it was AT LEAST two weeks!

This is how my addiction lies to me. It tells me that I can't help slipping, falling whatever. F him! He got 5 or 6 wins over this past week and a half and I've been kicking his butt for almost 4 months straight! I CAN live without taking actions of lust, and I can be happy doing it. I DID it! It's only my lying addiction which tries telling me otherwise.

Sorry for the rant and bad writing. Thanks for listening."

P.S. This was written to someone who is familiar with the things I mentioned. I'm not going to explain anything that isn't understood, but hopefully it's useful to someone. 

mzl wrote on 24 Jun 2018 11:24:

Neither of em actually. 

People ask me how I stay sober. I never really know what to say.

Indeed, I used to have no clue how I managed not to masturbate for so long, after years of being a faithful masturbatory adherent! 

(In truth, I think a better question is "What do you do so that you have a day where you don't need to take a significant action of lust? Cause I'm really only happy when I'm not acting out OR edging (taking significant actions of lust.) 

I'm pleased to announce, that for whatever reason, it suddenly has dawned on me what it is that keeps me sober, and (mostly) lust free.

(It's possible that ironically, it's all my recent lusting that made me finally realize what keeps me sober). 

I'm going to share what keeps me sober in the form of 12 steps:

1. Get out of bed and start moving before I start thinking. Once I'm dressed and bed is made things are less stressful.
2. Meditate in the morning (before work) and evening (after work) for 10 minutes using mindfulness meditation app.
3. Stretch every morning or at least mornings when feeling really tense (usually every other day, done after meditation).
4. Fast until lunchtime (intermittent fasting, 16:8 hour ratio of fasting and eating, black coffee and water are fine.)
5. Walk for a minimum of ten minutes during my (short) lunch break (make sure to leave the office).
6. Eat 2 proper meals a day (lunch and supper).
7. Walk a minimum of 6000 steps per day.
8. Have a beer and listen to 12-15 min of comedy.
9. Journal for at least 12 min.
10. Listen to music for twelve minutes (solo activity, classical is best). 
11. Read fiction for 25 minutes.
12. Work on a goal of mine for 25 minutes (in my case it's studying for an exam).

Step 13 is picking a somewhat reasonable bed time and sticking with it. 

P.S. I deliberately didn't include any beliefs, mindsets, etc.

All these steps are actions. They require zero beliefs or right thinking. 

I also deliberately did not include reaching out to people as something that keeps me sober. This is because I can count on one hand the amount of times that I was prevented from lusting/acting out by reaching out to someone. When I am that point, unfortunately there is little anyone can do to intervene.

These steps help me to never get to that point. 

Interestingly, when I complete these steps, I am much more likely to reach out to people and thus maintain a stronger social life, connecting with family, friends etc. This does indeed help to fortify and enrich my life, but it has rarely helped me to reach out to others when I am weak as a method in prevention. 

Another way people have been helpful to me was when I needed someone to reach out to and share the stupid things that I have done and was ashamed about. 

I am immensely grateful to the people (mainly one individual) who was there for me when I was reeling with shame and was emotionally hungover. 

However, you don't really want to need people for that, which is where the steps come in. 

There is obviously more to it than this, but I think that this is a pretty good start. 

I will finish off by saying that the beauty of the steps is that they put me in a place where I have more perspective and thus are more likely to take actions that will help me, and stay away from things that may not be so helpful, like rumination and watching TV.

If someone tells me to just stop watching TV, that WILL NOT work for me. I need to be in a place where I don't need it. I CAN'T not lust when I NEED lust.

I need to not need it in the first place  

PeAcE and G-d bless! 

From what you write it sounds like you are doing very well and have the correct perspective. We all have weaker times but must learn to focus on and celebrate the much longer stretches of successful sober times.