I'm feeling alright at the moment. I wasn't feeling too great a couple hours ago though. I was feeling really lonely. A little confused also.

So I decided that I needed to get out of my apartment. I picked a local coffee shop for my destination. As I walked out of my door I thought of calling of friend. I pulled out my phone and dialed his number. He picked up the phone, and we spoke all the way to the coffee shop and until I got back home.

After speaking to him I felt a little less lonely, but I still felt like I needed some more human connection, so I decided to log on to GYE. I'm writing this post and simultaneously chatting with a nice guy on the GYE chat system in an effort to get out of isolation. I gave the gentleman my number and told him he can call me anytime. I think talking to people on the phone has helped me so maybe it can help him. I know it will definitely help me if he calls! 

I'm going to sign off now. I hope everyone has a great week! Maybe I will post again soon. 

All the best,

Ihavenostrength 

I went to bed around 1:00. Before I knew it it was 3:23 and I was lying awake wondering if I had actually even slept. 

I was feeling yuck. I was sweating buckets and feeling super congested. I was sweating because my room is BOILING! The heater works insanely well I guess. I was/am congested because I have a cold.

Now it's 4:13 and the window has been open for a good half hour so I'm not suffocating anymore thank G-d, but rather lying awake and sort of dreading the fact that I have to be up in a few short hours. 

I'm having a super hard time falling asleep being congested and all. Being sick sort of stinks something terrible. Anyways, I thought I'd write this post because I had an itch to write that I felt might as well be scratched. 

Sweet Dreams all!

Sorry you are having a rough night. Wise that you posted rather than resort to other "pain relievers". Refua shleima.

I didn't really write with that in mind, but in truth it's not beyond me, not at all. I could I have totally gone there last night or at any time. 

On a separate note, I'm trying to do a 4th step and one thing that is really hard for me is admitting resentments against people. I felt/feel that I'm just making an issue out of nothing when I think up resentments and also that I am somehow saying I think these people are bad if I write that I have a resentment against them.

Then I realized it might just be the exact opposite. I'm scared to write that I have a resentment against them because that would be admitting guilt on my part, that I did something wrong. As we learn in the 12 steps, regarding each thing in which we feel we were wronged we are supposed to ask, "What is my part in this". 

Anyways, it's getting time for daily prayers...

I should have seen this message last night. Was up alot approx. same hours as you. We could've chatted. I almost had a struggle but stopped myself in time. Finally fell asleep about 7am. Now I'm late for morning prayers...

Ihavestrength wrote on 19 Nov 2017 12:24:

Just bite the bullet and get started. Start with obvious things and this will make it easier to list other resentments. Also, just start with people and what are your specific resentments. After you can go back and do the analysis.

Hey,

I looked at something that I shouldn't have looked at tonight (on my phone). Not feeling too great about that.

I joined a phone meeting after, so feeling a little better now. When you screw up, it's tempting to start ruminating and thinking what went wrong, how can I prevent this from happening in the future... etc.

However, I don't think that is going to be helpful. Imagine for a moment that a friend screws up, is it going to be helpful if you help him analyze exactly why he made the mistake ad nauseum? Nah, I don't think so.

Also, I can't prevent anything from happening in the future, that is the simple fact. Even though a part of me is saying, yo, you gotta think about this mistake, figure it out etc. I think I'm going to ignore that voice. I'm going to listen to the voice that says you are making progress, you are sick, but you can get better, one day at a time.  

Both approaches are right. depends depends and depends... I personally have been in both places.

yiraishamaim wrote on 02 Dec 2017 23:02:

I have a moment now and would like to explain the above in terms of my own experience. Which of course is all I can really contribute here. 
If I am on a roll - I'm seeing days of sobriety begin to add up- one day at a time with a proper perspective and game plan, and I make a minor slip, then I just shake myself up a little and tell myself - just smarten up and get back on track. "I'm doing great!"
However, if these "minor slips" become more routine or if C"V I have a true fall then I need to do some reckoning. 
The act of reviewing what happened and making modifications gives me the sense that I now can begin again and have a much better chance of being sober.
Otherwise - "Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it"
             or    Def'n of Insanity - "Doing something over and over again and expecting different results"

Hey, I just want to say hi because I'm feeling pretty lonely.

When I'm not with people or working I find it hard to entertain myself for long. Yes, I've heard of hobbies. They sound cool. 

I'm thinking about getting more disciplined with myself. But then I think, who the hell needs that? I already have to be disciplined in so many areas. Heck, I think I've tied my shoes for the whole last year without missing a single freaking day. If that ain't discipline, I don't know what the hell is! 

The draw of GYE or SA phone conferences for me is people to talk and interact with. However, I'm not really interested in talking about recovery necessarily. I would prefer regular friends, but I don't think they would want to be called that often. If I called a friend that often he would probably think what the hell is wrong with you mate. It's just how I am. I like having a small group of close friends. So each one tends to get  a lot of usage. Perhaps I need more of them so I can cycle through them

Ihavestrength wrote on 17 Dec 2017 02:50:

Cycle with them o-o'

Ihavestrength wrote on 17 Dec 2017 02:50:

I can attest to this!

Hi there everyone,

I'm going through a rough period right now. Sometimes when things are hard like this I think, have I not made any progress at all? That thought can be a very depressing one indeed. It definitely isn't a very helpful thought though. 

Do you know what makes a difficult personal situation even more tough? I'll tell you; it's thinking that things should be different for me, that I shouldn't need to deal with this uncomfortable scenario that addiction is. When you think that things ought to be different, that I should be further along in my journey already or not struggling with this altogether, it makes things so much more painful, and rightly so. For if this could all have been avoided and is just a mistake, a mistake that I am responsible for, at least in some part, darn that hurts! 

This isn't true at all though. How can we honestly say that things should be different? Did someone give you the script so that you know you fudged up your lines? If there is a G-d, then my life is his orchestrated power on display, and if he doesn't exist, the concept of what should and ought to be is preposterous, for nothing ought to be and is but of random fate in nature. 

Another thing that has torn at my brain and heart and gave me much angst, is not knowing what my next step should be. This especially happens when I screw up, and I think darn, I have to stop this, I need to stop this, I even want to stop this, but what the heck do I do? How painful is it when no one can place their hand on a bible and tell you that this is you need to do to get better.

If you want to download iTunes, you can google it and simply follow the instructions found in the first result of google. But there aren't any instructions for how to break an addiction, stop feeling miserable and how to become happy. If there are instructions, it's meaningless words for most of us anyways. It's like seeing the blueprints for the Empire State building. We can have the papers in front of us, but have no idea what to do with them; because we aren't f*cki** engineers! Most of us don't have a bachelors degree on how to live the "good life." If we did, we probably wouldn't be addicts. So, we want to do something but can't seem to find a clear-cut answer for what we are supposed to do! We are stuck between a rock and a hard place.

This confusion of what I am supposed to do now stems from a fallacy and false belief. Namely, that there is a specific cure or path to recovery. If one exists, then my next step would simply be to find it, and how frustrating it is when it isn't so easily found. Gosh, but maybe shi* ain't that simple. Not everything has a  vaccine!  There aren't necessarily one, or even many definite paths to recovery. 

When I first came to this realization it was terrifying. I will be doomed to misery forever, I thought. Then eventually I began to feel liberated. I started realizing that healing from addiction is akin to getting physically fit, there are different methods and combinations of methods that one can use. This encouraged me to take steps that seemed to lead me to recovery without fear that they would be ineffective, and also without unreasonable expectations of being "saved" by taking certain actions. 

G-d bless us all, 

PEacE. 

I've been slipping every 30 days or so. This time it was after 37 days. I guess I need to change my method. I'm not sure what I should do though. So I've decided that I will post every day for a month and a half. I'm not sure exactly what it will accomplish, but maybe it will help me stay aware of when I'm getting stressed and heading toward the edge of the proverbial cliff. 

I  will pray every day in my tefilah for u and all the Jew like u and me 
that we will retablshed completely and ( whithout falling again ) and this time you and everyone will never go back in this amen
i am  today at 6 day clean one day at a time , if you want let’s make the 90 days togethers 
bye