So Ihave... and Dov are on the phone right now. This is intense. Lol.

Day 69: I think I can now retire from GYE, Dov posted on my thread! Yay!  

I think sometimes stress is good. Not stress exactly, but feeling a certain pressure to perform, to figure something out, when people are relying on you. This can be at work, home etc. Basically, doing things that make a difference if they're done right or not. Like trying to solve an issue for a client that is time sensitive. 

It makes life exciting. Some of us feel like our life isn't exciting or stimulating enough so we go to porn or other things. If we are doing things that matter, which create some sort of quasi adrenaline feel, life becomes cooler. You feel a little vitality. This is why some people BASE jump or do other similar things. 

I'm sorry I can't explain this better... 

Not suggesting this as a way to recover. Just saying that not all stress is bad. Certain types are for sure. But a life where you are taking deep breaths at every moment, and feeling a constant calm can get real dull, really quickly. 

Day 73: The mind is super powerful. When people believe they have made progress in moving away from their bad habits, they have actually indeed made progress. This is why one guy can report feeling great after being clean for two weeks and for someone else, two weeks doesn't make him feel any more free. Usually the guy who feels great is masturbating every day, two weeks is a long time for him, so he feels wow, I've made progress, and he's right. The guy who feels nothing after two weeks needs a longer arbitrary time to feel like he's made progress. This is why the whole brain rewiring is partly bullshi*. One guy believes he's rewired so he indeed rewired. The other guy thinks it will take him longer... One guy looks at porn and believes that it screwed him up and he's going to need time to recover, that his recovery has been reset. The other guy doesn't give a shi*. He know he's made progress regardless. Basically, what you believe becomes your reality. Might as well believe what's useful I say. 

I was having nocturnal emissions every night last week. Without dreams. Was a real pain in  the neck. Didn't make me feel good physically either. I was at my wits end. I decided to pray. I literally just asked hashem to give me a night without them. It's been working so far. That and shema and hamapil..

Question of the day: What do you feel is the best way to get up after a fall? Maybe even to use the fall to "fall forward"? Taking all comments....

Well... You asked for all comments...
I don't know if this is the best way, however it is the only way that works for me.
I just move on and not dwell on the fall. I cannot live in the moment if I am still stuck in the past. That means for me, no tikunim, teshuva, or the like... Just focus on how to be better this moment. 
Hatzlacha

I agree no post postmortems or spiritual somersaults. Don't be overly dramatic in any way. However, some modification in your essential program needs to be made. A short self-analysis  (help by a sponsor or therapist to see what the issue is) needs to be made to understand what needs to be changed.
With myself I need to make an intelligent tweak so that I personally, realistically believe that this time I have a better chance of being and staying sober. Just rolling over and carrying on - for me at least- is a recipe for a repeat disaster.

Day 82: Been going through the fortify program. 

Gut moed! 

Hay brother! Are you still around, im missing your encouraging posts....

Still around. Today's day 90, yay!

Ihavestrength wrote on 17 Oct 2017 22:18:

Very nice.

CongratsCongrats!

מחיל אל חיל

Ihavestrength wrote on 17 Oct 2017 22:18:

Ihavestrength wrote on 17 Oct 2017 22:18:

MAZEL TOV! Keep it up b'ezras Hashem! Don't forget one day at a time...........

I feel extremely weak and I don't know what to do about it. I know many different things that have been helpful to me in the past, but I can't do them all. Maybe I need to decide to do one or two. The problem is that none of these actions of recovery I can take are a natural part of my day. They are instituted by me alone and therefore easily abandoned. Even the thought of taking a small daily action seems to me too much of a hassle right now, and doomed not to last besides. Perhaps this is partly why I'm hesitant to try anything right now. Also, part of me thinks, no action will be that effective regardless. 

These are utter lies of course. I can think of something sustainable that I can take upon myself to do and it does have the possibility of impacting my life for the better.

I think lust clouds the mind. It tries convinces us that no actions we take will place us in a better position, and we might as well just succumb now, because it will never get better. 

Another thing I'm struggling with right now:

When I'm under an attack of lust, I don't want to overcome the urge anymore. I want it to go away. I want it to go away desperately, but I'm not willing to endure the discomfort anymore. I am starting to feel: is all of this really worth it?

I don't need an inspiring talk, I don't need to hear an uplifting song, or give myself a pep talk. These won't work anyhow. 

Truly, im ain ani li mi li. You can call someone for help, but if you don't believe there is a greater benefit to abstaining from lust than retaining it, you will not stand. If you can't get it clear that regardless of anything, there is no way in f*ck*** hell that it can be a positive thing for me to look at some picture on a tiny screen of some skin, then you don't stand a chance and no one can help you. Pick yourself on the f*cki** ground and stop whining.

You want to feel holy? You want to feel strong? You don't want to deal with these temptations, which leave you wondering "why not try it" even after you walk away?

It ain't gonna happen. Success doesn't come to those who are picky. Success doesn't come to those who think, ah, I've blown it already and then use insane rationalizations to act out or lust. Success comes to those who will take an ounce of success whenever it is offered, regardless of what happened a minute before. 

Know this: any rationalization which ends in "you should engage in an act of lust" is self-sabotaging and pure unadulterated bullshi* 

I think my head is quite screwed up at the moment. I'm not thinking straight and I don't know what course of action I should take. Every rationalization that exists to just look at a few pictures is inside of me and running through my mind. 

It's funny. Life is so crazy. I'm so small. One in 7 billion. I live in my tiny head. I can't force myself to become bigger all of a sudden. There are so many forces more powerful than I. This doesn't mean that I don't have any power though. I don't know what the correct path for me to take is. I was doing good for a time. That time has past. Perhaps I shall begin again.

Talking to myself... 

You wrote:
    Truly, im ain ani li mi li. 

This is what I learned from working the 12 Steps:
Yes and no. You have to help yourself, but you have to help yourself by letting go and giving it over to Hashem. If you try to do it yourself, you will find that lust is stronger than you.