Cool. I was actually just reading your thread. I read the first 6 pages and then skipped to page 20 where you wrote about the in-laws coming. Best of luck with that.

Was trying to post this before but was having a problem so will try again

Hello and welcome to the family
Sounds like you are going thru a hard time right now sorry to hear that.

I'll leave the addiction stuff for those "great ones" here that know better than me to help you with that 

Just wanted to say what works for me hoping that it will help you or someone else too.
Firstly for many years I too looked at others and was repulsed by the shallowness of the world until my rebbe drilled into me ( this was when I opened up to him about my lust for porn and masturbation) that just like I didn't want ithers to look down at me because of my faults so too I should not look down at them since everyone has "issues" to some extent or another this does not make them a bad person just a normal one with things to deal with just like me!!

This helped me after many years when I finally "got" it for before that I was a very cynical angry person with no or very few friends but since then I am happier and have more friends and still making more every day.

I in no way mean to imply that this is what you do or anything else just saying what works for me when I had and have these hard times.

Also I try to remind myself that if this is what keeps popping up in my life so many times it must be the reason (or at least one of them) that I am int this world and I have made it a purpose in my life to overcome it.

Sorry if this is not practical advise but this is a perspective that has helped me, and still does, thru the more trying times in life I hope that you can take something from this.

You are doing the right thing by coming here and you will get the help you are asking for just try to have patience and an open minded way of reading or hearing what people have to say here and you will go far. We are here for you just let us know what we can do.

KUTGW and KOMT/S or whatever else they say here (oh and ODAAT)

Ihavenostrength wrote on 12 Feb 2017 22:19:


Thanks first time someone told me that they were reading my thread (other than those that posted there of course  )

If you skipped to the end you missed some doozy posts in the teen pages!!

Just the mother-in-law and B"H I was blessed by not having any hardships when she is concerned but amen.

Ok, I'll head back there to finish the job

oh and I forgot to mention one other "tip" that my rebbe told me

It's okay to beat yourself up for falling or whatever just don't beat yourself down that is just the y"h working to really bring you down so use the failings as a springboard to understand yourself better ( what causes the falls why do you feel this way ect....) and get back up and do some monster trucking that will make us proud or most importantly make Hashem proud!

Ihavenostrength wrote on 12 Feb 2017 21:31:

You are being much too tough on yourself. You deserve lots of credit for joining the forum and reaching out for help. Think about each hour that you held back from acting out and the simcha it causes in shomayim. Believe me I know what you feel like. The negativity towards others and the constant thought "if they would only know the truth about me...."  Hashem knows the truth about you and is mishtashaya with you for facing this very common struggle. Keep posting even if the going gets rough. I cried a lot in the beginning - and I am not mr emotional - it was torture.  We will be there for you. Keep your head high and keep climbing the mountain.

Ihavenostrength wrote on 12 Feb 2017 21:31:

What do you do currently?

I learn in a yeshiva. 

Day 4: Feeling a bit more settled today. Time heals for sure. It's just that it takes much longer than a couple days for me to regain a semblance of sanity and stability. Still feeling irritable. Trying not to feel too bad for not being very friendly to people. It's difficult to see the good in others when you can't find the good in yourself.

Haven't been keeping up with what I need to learn daily. Didn't learn anything at all today. I'm in yeshiva, however no one is forcing me to do anything or show up. I just need to know the material for the several major tests that occur throughout the year. It seems when I'm down, I can't force myself to do anything I'm not keen on doing. Heck, I have trouble even doing things that are supposedly pleasurable. Like reading, listening to music, even watching a movie. When I hear about how people use leisure activities to escape their daily stresses, it's like hearing about the customs of a foreign nation in a faraway land. 

I read a couple of "90 day journey" threads today. The entirety of "singularity's" thread, and finished up what I began reading yesterday on "mayanhamisgaber's" thread.

Practiced some guitar today and took a long walk. 

And what about the "Great Trucking Story" beneath the spoiler in my signature?

Markz, it's funny, I forgot to say that I read your story as well and then you comment I don't see any "Great trucking story", do you mean "A nice trucking story"? 

I clicked on it. It downloaded an e-book entitled "the first day of the rest of my life". I believe I have read some of it on this website in article form before. Perhaps if I have time I will read more. The text is a bit too small to read on my mobile though.

Ihavenostrength wrote on 14 Feb 2017 01:47:

You are going through the normal and expected withdrawal symptoms. Exercise is a fantastic reliever so your walk was a good idea and exercise should become a daily ritual (without becoming obsessive about it). Music is great too. Keep up the good work. It pays.  Hatzlocha!

Hashemhelpme, thanks for your comment. However, I'd like to take exception with your suggestion that it's withdrawal symptoms that I'm experiencing. I think it's more likely a result of being depressed from the fall. 

Exercise and music help for depression too so just keep on doing what you are doing. Keep us updated.