You did not disappoint us.  On the contrary, the fact that you admitted to yourself right away that you fell and picked yourself up and started over again is amazing.  It show you have tremendous will power to overcome the yetzer hara.  You are not willing to retreat so quickly.  This is a true sign that you have it in you to eventually reach true victory.  You pray to G-d and hope for the best.  Now, the other amazing point of yours is that you already began to pinpoint your pitfalls.  You should realize that I have been battling this addiction for 15+ years.  However, after each fall I have always become a bit wiser and more in tune to myself.  It makes me armed better for the next battle and each time I fight I fight for victory.  So what I see today is a true warrior.  A warrior that can pick himself up and fight with true vigor. 

Keep up your determination and I am sure you will beat your 40 day record.  And who knows this might be the last time you need to pick yourself up again from such a fall.  Please continue to log your journey and continue being an inspiration for all of us.

Thanks a lot ykv schwartz! You and my sponsors responses really helped me in lifting myself back up! I am nearing the end of the sixth day and going relatively strong. I had the ultimate test of my life till now a couple of days ago, as well as a minor "after-test". I wavered just a little on both of them, but to my opinion neither slipped or fell. For the first one, I didn't quite understand/was to weak to do things a little differently, but only a vague form has stayed in my mind from the whole happening.  Due to the sensitive nature of it (both in respect to my identity and in respect to the addiction), I will not elaborate on it in more detail.

Aside from that, two questions arose sometime ago when I read the chapter 4 1-8 in Exodus and Rashis commentary on it. As Moses didn't believe that the people of Israel would believe he had spoken with G-D, is the Torah hinting that if you do not trust the L-rd to make something happen, it might actually not? This is when you are looking at 4:8... ""And it will come to pass, that if they do not believe you, and they do not heed the voice of the first sign, they will believe the voice of the last sign." So in common day language, did Moses 'jinx' it in some way?

Another question arose while reading 4:14 ... "And the Lord's wrath was kindled against Moses, and He said, "Is there not Aaron your brother, the Levite?" " , and Rashi says that for this the priesthood would come from Aaron, not from Moses as it was intended at first. So, I do not have a very deep knowledge of the Torah, but I can (for sure) say: the sins that I have committed are thousands of times worse than that: so why I ask, am I not in the deepest hell-hole already? Most likely because of the mercy of our L-rd; but why was Moses, who would have deserved it so much more, denied such mercy? I obviously do not understand everything behind this story,  neither do I understand everything behind the story why Moses was not allowed to enter the land of Yisrael... but with the little knowledge I have, my brains are looking for an explanation

Forgive and correct me if I have understood something fundamentally wrong here, I hope I haven't. I know I should maybe ask these questions elsewhere, but... I think it is so much more convenient here  ;D

/JG

Our Sages say (and bring proof from various verses) that G-d is thousands of times more stringent and more exacting with the very righteous than he is with the simple folk. It's kind of like a king who expects his ministers to be dressed immaculately and be on best behavior at all time. One wrong move on their part can carry the death sentence, since they represent the King and are in his constant presence. However, the king doesn't expect anything NEAR that from his regular subjects. Especially not non-Jews. The fact that you, a non-Jew, want to purify yourself and come closer to the king, is actually an incredible virtue on your part that will earn you the respect of the king, even if you have many other sins!

Day 8 - and feeling rather strong. Lately, I have thought about this addiction and everything in general. Before/during the last 40 clean days, I always thought: when I get to 90 days Ill start refining and improving my other character traits... When I fell I realized, I should start right away, out of two reasons:
1) in the worst case scenario, I might wait till the end of my days till I start improving mysel
2) although it might (temporarily) take resources of my main battle, it might also help me, as a way of distracting and in general

So now I ask, what is most important? I know humbleness but still believing in one self is maybe the most important one, charity and kindness are of course very important as well. Then how about things like organization? General knowledge? Time management? As I write this, I realize that the most important ones are most likely those that serve our Creator best; but which ones do?

A thought just came to my mind... Imagine a scenario where you are walking down a street and you happen to glance up and see a (modestly dressed) lady carrying something heavy. Should one go help, and risk perhaps  thinking something bad?

/JG

This coincides with point number 3 in today's Chizuk e-mail!!

You ask what to work on. Can you work on Happiness? If you can always keep an "upbeat" state of mind, not only are you serving the creator by showing him you trust him that everything is for the best, you will also be much less susceptible to falling. The Hassidic masters have said: "Sadness is not a sin, but it can bring about the worst sins. Happiness is not a Mitzva, but it can bring about the greatest and most pure Mitzvos!"

If you see a lady carrying a heavy package, I would avoid helping her unless you don't find her attractive. It's just not worth getting into a test in my opinion - at least for a Jew. For a non-Jew, who is not obligated in sexual purity as much, then if she is unmarried, perhaps the good deed of doing kindness would out-weigh the fear of a test? After all, maybe she can even become your future wife? :-)

Thank-you Guard for the answer. Keeping happy is one of the most difficult things for me at the moment; but I will heed your advice and try my best! I have a feeling that it is something I might need a long time for, till I completely (if ever) learn it.

  Interesting thing: I, about half an hour ago, chose the path back to light at a junction where I have fallen (eventually) every time before. Depressed, forgetting (nearly everything) again, I immersed myself in this hideous crap again. The funniest thing about it all - I somehow felt so bored, sad and worthless while letting those images pass through my eyes, that I just quit. I of course felt the YH rage inside me, and I decided to fight back. Screaming silently for sometime, I transferred lust into something better: rage at this crap. I shouted to HaShem: "Where are you? Haven't you promised to help me? Help me NOW!" .... He is so hidden during Purim... And I still have to work on the computer this evening... Using my body as a weapon against this crap, I did 50 push-ups in a row: this is like a quick-drug for me sometimes; really helps take the edge of sometimes.

  I eventually used anyones ultimate weapon and went to study some Torah, and came here after.  Ill try analyze why I slipped like this later on. In the meantime - everyone have a happy Purim!

/JG

P.S: could I get back on the WOH? Day 14 in progress.

You have true greatness inside you.

I had you in mind in my Purim prayers!

Someone's back on the chart. I wonder who :-)

Hello,

I have a lot to say. Guard (and the others), you do not know how much you have changed my life, you are like the life-line to a drowning man! And I do not know how to put it... but around 28 hours later after my last message I fell  :'( I feel so ashamed in the light of everyones holiness here. Even the earth-worms, the ants, the spiders are all so much more holy than me... That and very busy days kept me from writing here.

At the very least I'll thank-you so much for the prayers! And I think I have learned three very important lessons. Maybe thats why I fell:

1) No you-tube or any type of videos like that.
2) I will have to make a vow not to be on the computer after 11 pm. (More on this later).
3) Closely related to the second, Ill send you a pm about this one later, Guard. 

With these, I feel much safer.  But I will take it one day at a time, every day counts! Somehow, I could think this would be the first day of my new life. Like I would have never had an addiction As if I would have been clean for years already.... and why not, if I just remember to keep my guard up all the time.

About the second one, it is a three-edged sword. First of all: whenever I fall, I usually fall after 12pm (most likely because when I am tired, I do not have so much strength to give my struggles to the L-rd); secondly it keeps me organized and awake the next day (so more strength for giving it up to the L-rd), and thirdly because of point 3.

Then comes the vow part. How can I make a vow, so that I will not be on my computer after 11pm, unless I need to do so for work? Would something like this be OK: "In Your Name L-rd, I swear not to be on my computer  after 11 pm (local time) unless I need it for work or study."  Is there any way of saying a vow, so that if I, G-D forbid, I would break it I would not get punished? Should I change the wording to this: "... I swear to try not to be... "

Then again, I have another question. I said the  Tikkun HaClalli yesterday, and asked for help for the Guard-community, all the names I remembered, and for myself (along other things). Does it work when said in English? I do not even know how to read Hebrew, but maybe there is a version where you can "read" it in Hebrew using the roman letters? How often should I say this prayer?

Yet another thing, I have pushed this down as far as possible it seems, since only yesterday I remembered. I was once at a "party" where alcohol was in rather frequent use; I don't drink, so I tried to stop some guys from doing something that is wrong in every way (from the law to moral to the Torah). Being so self-immersed in self-pity at that time, that I was only able to try and stop them from doing it verbally, and didn't realize I should have done more. Is it OK to physically hurt someone to stop them from doing something they shouldn't? Don't worry, it was not rape or something severe like that; but something one should definitely not do.

Sorry for ranting

Strength and courage to everyone,
JG   

P.S: I decided I should get myself out of all this constant depression and self-pity. I decided life is a game, G-D is the judge, and the Torah is the rules With that I took a big leap of faith, and did something (good) I would have never thought of myself. Praise the L-rd! Guard, your prayers are working so much more than you can possibly imagine  8)

P.S.S: I fell on March 12th, around 01:00 AM. According to that, my 3rd day is finished, leaving me on the 4th day. B"H I do not loose my chart place ! Just correct it  ;D

Someone, we are all cheering you on.  Glad to see you are able to see some light in your self-pity. Glad to see you picked yourself up.  Never give up.  After each fall, you learn something new as you have done.  Try to seek true pleasure in your life to replace the fake pleasure that your body seeks.  Try to find some really meaningful book to read at night when you feel impulses or even bored. 

Someone wrote on 15 Mar 2009 12:25:

Say it in english.  You should understand the words as it will fill you with holiness.  The words of the tikun clali are so uplifting.  But take it a little at a time.  If you force yourself to say the entire thing in one shot you may not feel as moved.  After you feel you understand each chapter, then say it all in one shot.  But not too often.  Say it when you feel you need it.  What I mean by need it, is when you feel you are yearning for the L-rd.  Also, write down the verses that talk to you.  Again, it is OK to say it in english as hebrew is foreign to you.  Put special attention to chapter 32.

I would like to make a suggestion.  If you feel that the tikkun Klali is moving, you can move on to the rest of Psalms. King David's poetry is so stirring and it is like medicine for the soul.  It touches the emotions and may help replace some of the fake desires of the world.  It would be advisable to couple this with learning Samuel 1 and 2.  Those are the books that discuss King David's Life (It begins half way through Samuel 1, but to understand the backdrop you should the read the entire book). By doing so, you become familiar with King David's Life.  You see his close bond he created with the A-lmighty through his difficult life.  By understanding his life and then reading tehillim which, according to the simple meaning of the verses (there are many levels of understanding), is King David's emotional reaction to every event of his life.

Someone wrote on 15 Mar 2009 12:25:

Generally, no unless someone's life is in danger.  But if you want to be more precise regarding the question, we may be able to help you more.

Good Luck with your new battle.

Wow someone, what determination! As far as vows, they are very helpful, but must be made very carefully. Never make a vow forever. At first, for a few days, a week, then as you find the right vows that work for you, you can expand the time frame slowly more and more. Never more than a year. See this page and this page for tips on this...

Chart updated. Let us know how you're doing....

Have been extremely busy with friends and studying etc, thus I was not able to post. According to my count, I have finished my eleventh day, on my twelfth! Due to lack of time, Ill post more later.

Chart updated. Keep keeping busy!

Can hardly keep up with all the things I should/want/have to do at the moment. Short update: still clean... so 13th day is nearing its end. I am gone for the next five days, and I doubt I will have "the chance" to do something wrong.

Btw, two weeks ago (on Friday to Saturday), I saw a very vivid dream of a certain event. I realized on Sunday that this might have been a preview of what was going to happen on Monday. And sure enough, it happened (to my knowledge) everything like in the dream. Not the setting etc, but after interpreting the pictures and symbols in the dream it was exactly what happened. Since I don't really believe in coincidence, was this a prophetic dream? If so, what does it mean? Do all dreams have a meaning? Can I have such dreams more often?  ;D

/JG