Hi all my friends,

I have come to the conclusion to join you all and have my own personal journal here. I am trying to increase my arsenal with all possible means at the moment, to always stay one step ahead of the YH.

As of now I have been clean 20 days (tomorrow starts the 21st). At the moment I feel as if an emotional tornado would be raging inside me. I swing from joy to depression every few days, sometimes even only a couple of hours (or less!) apart. This is hopefully only the so-called 'void' and nothing that is here to stay. I have had some very close calls, once I was tempted by something on you-tube, and I was a millimeter away from giving in. B"H I didn't. The next day the same situation, only this time off-line... ... and I found it by accident. I eradicated it.

Now I am aware that searching for videos (just for random ones) on Youtube(or other ones) is a no-go. I only use those that I have book-marked, or add a few to the book-marks by searching for (safe) specific videos.

Even though I am only clean for a short time, I am beginning to feel much more alive: I am more active socially, can look myself more into the eyes, do more sports etc.

Btw, I thought about some of the general reasons I have fallen, and arrogance was most likely the greatest one of them!  Then I started to think about what the the Genesis 1.26 says: "Let us make man..." and I remembered what Rashi had said: that this shows us how humble our Creator is (even though he is Infinite). Is this not the first time something is mentioned of His character traits? And with a very simple mind, I would assume that if it was mentioned first, might it not be one of the most (if not the most) important ones?  And since if we were created in his image, how much more humble should we be? Could this be an important step to not falling?

I know this is something most of you probably just sigh and say "that should be obvious, shouldn't it?", but these are my first baby steps to a better moral and more spiritual life. So please correct, teach and help me on the way I will do everything I can to help you.

Kind Regards,
JG

Welcome "someone" to our ranks!

No one is going to believe that this "someone" is a non-Jew  :D But obviously he has a very special soul....

Fellow Yidden, look at Someone and LEARN from him. If a non-Jew, who is not commanded to be holy wants so much to be clean, how much more so should we be striving for purity and holiness. After all Hashem has chosen us from the nations of the world and commanded us to be a light unto the nations, a Mamleches Kohanim vegoy KADOSH (a nation of preists and a holy nation). Also, Gadol Hametzuvah Ve'Oseh...

Thank you Someone for being an inspiration to us all!

Someone, you're right. The rabbi's tell us (See Tzidkas Hatzadik from R' Tzadok Hacohen #206) that arrogance is the source of all sin.

[Some people have difficulty understanding this, because it can be easily proven that low self-esteem is the chief cause of sin. But the truth is that they are one and the same. I'm not going to explain this here and now, but I hope to discuss it in the near future.]

Ok, I am on my 29th day, and going strong. I had some really busy time, thus wasn't able to post. (As well as waiting for a better time).

There have been some down-sides to life lately though. Last Friday I got to know something that disappointed  me a lot, and I felt quite depressed for sometime. I have gotten over it, but another much worse event followed, and something even a lot worse most likely will happen on this Friday; and I can't do anything against it. It is like a knife being twisted around in my stomach, over and over and over. Till now, things like these have come my way in a single file, not three at once...  I know we all have problems and I do not want to tire you with any of mine - compared to others they are nothing. But still, it is if as I am tested very hard at the moment.

It is good however to remember (for me at least), that "problems" are always relative: I read a story about a man, in Australia (during the Victoria  bush-fires) who came to an open patch of ground, badly burned, holding his daughter (who was quite burned as well) and said: 'Look, I've lost my wife, I've lost my other kid, I just need you to save my daughter." I pray for him and his family.

On a more positive note - I managed to win a battle in my sleep a 3-4 days ago. I was dreaming of being on the computer, watching something inappropriate, with no way to stop. It felt so real, I just remember thinking "Oh no, how can this be happening!"... .... thats when I woke up. I did not fall (though very close to it), neither did any dream bother me after that.

And thank-you Guard for the encouraging words; I do not think I am worthy of them, but I can't do anything more than pray and try my best.
battleworn wrote on 03 Feb 2009 12:23:


I might have an idea at what you are thinking, but I would be very interested to hear it from you!

Another question: I once read (maybe on GUE?) a question about what does G-D do now that he has created everything, and the answer was he matches up partners for marriage. This shows the importance of marriage, but also leads me to a(nother) question: how do we know who is that special one? Or do we need to know? How about those that died unmarried?

If these have been answered somewhere, please tell me where

And I hope you guys don't mind answering some more basic questions 

/JG

All the dificulties we have in life are really for our good, we just don't see it. Hardships are periods of personal and spiritual growth.

Stopping in middle of a dream is indeed a good sign. It means your subconscious is getting used to your purity as well.

We can never know "who the special one" is. Instead, we need to trust in G-d to bring the right one to us. You should look for three things in a potential marriage partner.
1) She should share your goals
2) She should be a good person (kind, good natured, etc..)
3) You should be able to converse on each other's level
If she has these three things and you like her and she likes you, well... you can trust that G-d brought her into your life and that she's the right one :-)

wow. amazing!

Chazak V'Ematz!

On my 33rd day, and with all likelihood I will not fall today either. Thank-you for your advice guard! I will have to keep "looking" through my closed (guarded) eyes 

What had to happen on Friday, happened. It left a really big void in me and I have some hard time filling it; at the moment I am trying to come just with everything as well as focusing on future happier things (which are fewer than before the setbacks). Sadness will still be there, but it is ever so slightly transforming itself into rage, not against things or humans, but against the nothing that is behind all evil. That is why I will ever so more fight to keep from falling, as I know this really hurts the nothing. If I every lay my hands on that nothing that is behind everything bad...

Of course another setback came my way today as well, not so big, but definitely something that annoys me. It seems as if I am not supposed to stop worrying. If the nothing wants to take my life apart in 90 days, it is something I cannot stop. But he will never take apart my will and determination... ... setbacks will just strengthen them.

The next two weeks will be harder than those before that, since I will have to study quite a lot, followed by a week of holiday. I will have to try and keep busy with good things.

Meanwhile strength and blessings to everyone dealing with this addiction(s)...

In anticipation of the Moshiah's coming,
/JG

You are really inspiring!

Evil is not an entity. Evil doesn't exist. Evil is simply a lack of good, just as "darkness" is a "lack of light". If we can learn to walk with G-d in total trust we can bring light into the dark, and all evil will be banished of its own accord - being that it doesn't exist at all on its own.

Just checking in: 35th day... and I won't fall today either ! Seems I survived a little bigger onslaught... hoping to reach 40 days without troubles ! I am more confident already again, and looking back at my previous, rather dark, messages can happily announce: I always (try and) look on the bright side of life! Now that is...

So what is the devil? Is there no such thing as a fallen angle? Is this again some Xtian spin-off I have been brainwashed by?

In general, the YH: an evil inclination of the human (body?), where does it come from? Or was it just given for us to grow on?

Rather basic questions as usual... but I gotta start somewhere

/JG

The devil, evil, the yetzer hara, they are all creations of Hashem - and without Hashem they could not exist for an instant. They were given to us to grow through and to over come, to bring light into the darkness (which is a result of the "lack of G-d", not darkness that has substance on its own) and earn eternal reward.

On my 40th day - one great milestone for me! Had someone told me that I would make it to 40 days, 41 days ago, I would have laughed and told the person to stop giving me false hope. That would have been the response of the negative me, now I strongly believe 90 days is in my reach - with appropriate measures.

A great thanks to You, Guardureyes, and all the others here on the site for pushing/inspiring me this far. Regardlessly of what will happen (if I fall or not), this is a victory nobody will take away from me. Hopefully I have reached my  personal "promised land" now

/JG

someone, thanks for being an inspiration.  We cheered you on for the first 40 days.  We will now cheer you on for the remaining 50 days, and the remainder of your life. 

and let's all thank michelle rappaport of memphis tennessee for being the first one to introduce us to the concept of 90 days. i wonder if she knows what impact she had by saying that.and thanks to elya for supplying us with her expertise.what can i say? these people are among the people that saved my (spiritual) life!

Great job on the 40 day milestone! Keep up the good work!

Isn't life ironical? Just yesterday I was celebrating the milestone of 40 days and everyone was encouraging me... Then I fall not even 24 hours later. As if I was being told: it can be easy, but just not that easy. I hate it, for 40 days I work on it and then in a matter of seconds I destroy every wall, overthrow every principle, forget myself and just "go for it"...  why???

At the same time I am thankful to everyone that gave me the push till 40 days, but also awfully sorry for letting everyone down.

I want to start anew, this time with analyzed reasons  for why I fell:

1) I was home the whole day
2) I watched secular movies to escape from reality. If I were an emotive person I could have cried myself to sleep every night since about two weeks and I needed something to distract me... obviously watching movies was not a substitute for p. - but just lead to it.
3)The aforementioned rather bleak situation.

....So: no more movies for me when I am alone: only with other people watching it at the same time with me. Otherwise, I feel out of control - sure I can try to find a more positive outlook  - but some things are just not forgotten that easily or fast, especially when they meant everything to you. I guess the only thing I can do is pray to G-D and hope for the best.

Regards,
JG