I would add that while I very much identify with what BTBH is describing, I've also seen that Una writes is true. For example, often during niddah times I'll find that we're closer than ever because we take the time to talk, spend time, and actually leave it up to building the relationship in other ways.

And then, I feel like while sex would be nice, I have no need and will feel no Lust, pulls, or anything like that- I'll be happy and content. 



 

markz wrote on 30 May 2016 11:29:

I think that this is indeed a very serious and legitimate question! Perhaps not immediately from the onset of puberty, but certainly from the later teen and pre-marriage years. Likewise, I'd add that the issue is not just "biological," but also (and not less importantly) "emotional."

And I fully accept WG's answer that distinguishes between the "normative" scenario and the "addict" scenario.

I also tend to agree with his assessment that -- although it is indeed a very "strong" built-in urge and desire -- because leaving it unsatisfied will not cause death, it cannot fully be considered a true "need." This is effectively what Rabbi Manis Friedman is saying in that YouTube video.

On the other hand, I think that the serious emotional and psychological damage (albeit not "death") that can potentially result from totally suppressing and ignoring such strong primal urges nevertheless rules out any black-and-white answers to this question.

Well I started acting out well before puberty so what do I know about 'normal' desire?

I did find this thread interesting: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/281983-MY-FIRST-YEMEI-NIDDAH-IN-SOBRIETY

When I was a bochur I truly believed that getting married would solve the problem. In fact getting married caused my disease to progress more rapidly.

And I'm very grateful for that today.

Walks are the best!

Yesodi wrote:


I do agree with Watson's point, because like him I learned this from experience. I also came into marriage thinking it would cure my acting out (which I didn't know to identify at the time as "lust"). As Iv'e written before, this has caused me a lot of heartache over the last few years. My wife and I were caught in a negative cycle of me wanting sex and asking for it (of course, only if you want to Darling...) and then feeling let down by what I felt was her humoring me. Since I joined GYE I came to understand all this better and I have since stopped asking or expecting anything. If it comes from her, wonderful. But I wasn't really thinking about on a regular basis because I knew the only to stay clean was not to lust at all, even for my wife.

That's as far as the physiological angle goes. But I do feel a need from an emotional standpoint as Iv'e felt that the intimacy of being together was extremely nurturing. And I think that the long absence of this since my wife conceived has had a negative affect on our relationship and by extension - on me.

unanumun wrote:


You are spot on, as I wrote above. Thanks for the tip. I actually read an articel recently about the importance of a regular (or at least semi-regular) date night for husband & wife. We'll have to see if it's practical.

WorkingGuy wrote:


That's a fair point, but I think there are 2 critical differences between Niddah times and now:
1) Niddah is only 2 weeks. Pregnancy is many months.
2) Niddah, becuase it's assur to have any physical relationship we are somewhat conditioned to shift the model and focus on building our relationship with quality time spent etc. But with pregnancy everything is muttar, just practically she's too sick at night for anything. I'm still operating in "tahara" mode and am sort of expecting the physical relationship to be there. That's why the lack of it is having more of an affect. It seems I need to shift my mindset and come to treat pregnancy like Niddah times, to kind of expect that nothing physical will be happening.

Thanks everyone for the input!

How naive of me to think that I can just "officially" fall and then immediately get back on track and start my count again. What actually happened is that by making it "official" the floodgates opened and I was consumed by lust like I haven't felt in 6 months (pre GYE) and just went on a 2 day binge. I am embarrassed to say this, but I'm actually having a hard time getting back on track because I'm finding all this porn too sweet to give up...  

But something happened today. I can't elaborate on the details, but suffice it to say that Hashem showed me tremendous chesed in helping me regain some semblance of normalcy in my married life. I take that as a sign from above and I'm ready to truly restart!

Hey  btbh,
  
Thanx for sharing.
Hatzlacha

BenTorah.BaalHabayis wrote on 01 Jun 2016 04:02:


You're an honest man. Not everyone on the forum is so straight up and honest about their slips, falls, or struggles. Your honesty is definitely going to help you.

Baruch Hashem I am back on track. My lusting has subsided and I am focusing on keeping it at bay. 
I think among other things I have gained here is the fact that I was able to bounce back without feeling crushed, devastated or ashamed. Of course I'm not happy that I fell and I will need to do proper Teshuva at some point, but I was able to go on without feeling like a disgusting person inside. In addition, while it was nice to know that I'm able to go 6 months clean, I don't feel like I lost a race or something like that be needing to start my count over.
Thanks everyone for your continued chizuk! 
 

Ditto!!!

I really wanted to enjoy Yom Tov, but it ended up being a bruising 3 days with my eyes all over the place checking out the ladies roaming my neighborhood. Although I didn't act out, I'm not feeling good about myself with all this lusting. Need to get back on track. 

How's things doing???

Sounds like you need an oil change

OR PERHAPS ITS YOUR TIRES??












 

Brother I'm
Really concerned for your welbeing both from a balabatishe perspective and from a bentorahdikke view

Please keep us posted..........

Doing okay B"H. I was just at the Ford Dealership this morning for a battery change... ;-)

 

I attended my brother's wedding on Thursday. I think I did pretty well on the Shmiras Einayim front, even while entering the badekin...