Actually Yesterday and today morning were my hardest time since i started the 90 days. It is always the day after Yom tov when the lust wakes up full force. Above that i felt OK, I did it, now I can take it easy. I felt like acting out, and starting over. It was like an אחטא ואשוב feeling. All kind of reasons justifying me to act out came to my mind. I begged hashem to help. B"h he gave me the strength not to act out.

lomed wrote:


I totally recognise myself in your words. Right after Yamim Tovim + and more than ever after have reached the 90 began my hardest time since I joined and I'm still in.
I think, at least for me, it's due to a problem with the one day at time mindset. Why day 91 would be different to day 1 ? Or 1000 ? One day is one day no matter what, and I'm going to face it now.

May you encounter lot of Hatsalah'a ! Let's do it for today !

Lomed - I just read through your thread beginning to end and was very inspired. Thank you for sharing your experience.

polar bear wrote:


What inspired you???? =which part?

The fact that you started a journey and came out successful. Sharing the journey every step of the way. And that it had a happy ending. Good for you and keep up the good work!

polar bear wrote:


Thanks for those kind words of Chizuk (strength). But please bear in mind that my journey has not yet ended. and the struggle is far from over. It is just one of my first of many destinations in this journey that I have b"h reached. I know that i have a long journey ahead of me that i have to make it through step by step and day by day. For now it seems to me that this is a lifetime journey. And i cannot think so far. So i will rather take it one day at time.

Good advice - Thank you!

Congrats!
Keep it up!

Yesterday I had my hardest challenge since I started this 90 day chart.

I once ordered (most probably about 14 years ago) some inappropriate material. I viewed it then told them to delete my name and address from their mailing list. these companies they have many names, so from time to time i used to get mailings from a different name. I couldn't resist, and viewed them and acted out. After acting out I used to contact them to delete my name from their mailing list. After many times that I have called to delete my name, I have been receiving less and less. I think that for the last over two years I have not received them at all.

Yesterday when I checked the mail, I spotted that I got another package from one of these places. It comes in a double envelope, that on the second there is a warning that I must be 18 before opening and that if I don't want to view explicit content I shouldn't open. When I got it my first reaction was, B"h that this came after being clean for 97 days, now I wont open it and get rid of it. However I needed to cut out the label in order to send them back to delete my name from their list. so I was with one envelope down. The urges were terrible, I was sweating, i Started to feel that I cant resist. I cant through it away anywhere, because i don't want it to come to a different person. I had to keep the closed envelope in my pocket for over an hour till I came to a safe place that i can discard this catalog safely. B"h at the end I got rid of it without viewing inside the envelope.

After all this I was on fire, as never before. I kept on begging heshem please help out of this. This was going on till today noon time. However today at tefilas shachris i felt a closeness to hashem that I don't remember for years feeling like this. I davened with much kavana and clarity that he is the only one that can and will help me.

By now, things eased up, but i am very exhausted and overwhelmed.

Amazing. As hard as we try we are never truly impervious to lust. There come times when we have to give it our best shot and rely on Hashem's help.

After I wrote the last post, I was thinking about my overwhelmed feeling that I have now. i was trying to relate to another time in my life that i had this feeling. I reminded about a small fire that i had in my house years ago. I had to evacuate the whole family. B"h there was no major damage, and everyone evacuated safely. I remember that those 2-3 minutes till everyone was out got me so exhausted. I felt overwhelmed for a day or two. I relate these two feelings together. Last night hour that I was struggling for purity survival, got me very exhausted, similar to what I felt then.

Lomed - That was exhilarating.

And really, who could appreciate it as deeply as we, your friends here on the forum?

Wow!!!!

Reading your post, Reb Lomed,
My heart was beating and I was crying. I felt the fear of your position and cried that HKB"H might test me as well. I beg HKBH not to test me. YiraiShamaim taught me to daven not to be tested because I am too weak to pass the test.
And when you reported that you passed, I started to cry a cry of relief. And then you speak about the corresponding closeness to HKBH that we all want so badly.
I am so afraid of a test. I beg HKBH to protect me from any and all tests.

Thanks for sharing! Keep us posted.