Great stuff!

Is there a reason this thread keeps gettin' switched back to "Prepararion"?

i tried fixing it

Have a question.

We (=i) tend to have lust and get triggered to it even through stupid minimal triggers. sometimes we go in the stores or at a simcha we see women. For us (=me) even a women that is dressed tznius is a trigger for lust. Say we (=I) see this nice lady. Sometimes we (=I) take a second look or more. How would we (=I) consider this a fall, slip, or nothing?

Somethin' that you'd like to fix.
that is called lust, and we would like to avoid.
We don't wanna go thru life takin' second looks.

b'hatzlachah

Yes. you are one hundred percent right.

The question was geared in the terms of the 90 day chart.

It is not clear in the rules.

you'll have to get a response from someone who abides by the rules.

Noticing women and trying not to gaze is for me an ongoing challenge.
Here are some things that I learned(mostly on the forum) that have been very helpful to me.

- Don't be curious and look around even at things that are mutar by controlling yourself in this way it will spill over to not looking at assur things
- think of other women's looks as simply NOT MY BUSINESS - plain and simple
- If you happen to look remmeber there is an unwritten 3 second rule - this limits the issur in your eyes
- Remember Hashem clearly wants us to put in an effort to keep on growing. Perfection may be the direction of our efforts - but true perfection only G-d possesses.
You are doing great - keep smiling and keep going!

Thanks for the comment. Will BE"H work in it.

However you didn't address my question.

Sorry - you bring up an important point, I don't know the answer.

I think the rules are pretty clear. Is there a reason that you need to differentiate between a "slip" and "nothing"? You wouldn't reset in either case. You definitely didn't fall under the chart rules.

Thanks for your reply.

I also thought so.

However, my inner feelings told me that maybe I am convincing myself, but I may not be honest with my self judgment. So I decided to ask and see if other members also think the same.

Maybe between rule 1 and 4 this would be considered as a slip. This may be considered 'inappropriately seeking'.

On another note, today I was working on step 4. The AA Big Book (BB) asks me to look at where my faulty character lead me to be angry at a person. The BB suggests I look at my mistakes, Where was I: selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? In other words just looking at my own behavior I can find why I'm angry and resentful at a person, idea or institution. What comes it is that I'm a selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and/or fearful person; maybe more one than the other. So let me ask you something, is it any wonder I seek escape in the form of lust and fantasy (or in some other form.) What person who is selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and/or frightened wouldn't seek escape? That's why we need to get to the route cause of our anger and resentments to become emotionally sober people. This is probably elementary to many people here. For me it took, many many hours of step work and 20 months in 12-step programs (20 months AA and 6 months SA)to understand. Not that I needed to understand it in order to do it and I'm sure more understanding will come, but it's nice to be able to see how it makes sense.

Why did I write this out here, lomed? When you spoke about looking at women at weddings, I started to think about what to say about that. I mean I don't think anyone will say the 90 chart was violated, but it's lustful behavior. Do we address and quash the lustful behavior? Is that always our focus? Are we obsessed with lust, even when we are recovering? Did I lust, didn't I lust? Did I look 2 seconds or 4 seconds? etc etc. Maybe we can use opportunities like this, not to dwell on if they were a technical violation, but to look at ourselves honestly and say what's causing our lust?

For me in the example of the women at the wedding, maybe I would ask myself. What's lacking in my life, that I have this need to look at this woman? What am I escaping from? Where am I discontent with what I have? I might answer that, I'm afraid my life isn't going so well. I think I could have done better for myself. I'm afraid this world is it, and I'm missing out on the pleasures. I'm afraid that when I'm old, I'll regret how I lived life. Then maybe I will ask Hashem to show me his will and surrender myself to His plan. Maybe I'll be comforted to know that He is with me and has a plan for me. Maybe that will assuage my fears. Maybe I'm still overwhelmed and afraid and I need look more at my relationship with God. Maybe I need to pray. Maybe a review of steps 2 and 3 is in order. Maybe I need to sit down and work on step four and list my fears, so I can see how much fear effects my decisions. I guess that's one way my experience could go. How do you think it might go for you?

Hatzlacha!

Thanks serenity for your post. I am amazed to see how people like you who are working themselves through the 12 step program. As much that the words you wrote may sound like elementary for many here, for me-that has not entered yet Pre-k this sounds like collage. You gave me food for thought, and thanks again.

One thing is for me very hard, that my wife does not know of all this.

Iam very close to her. Don't have anyone closer to me that her. We are life partners. The fact is that I am challenging a battle. This challenge is one that was till now on the side. What ever I wanted I did , more or less. Now that I am struggling this and facing it, it is not easy. I need her support, I need the feeling from her like wow you are doing gr8. On all my and her challenges up to now we support each other. Now to this challenge I am single!!!!!

I get support from some anonymous friends.

I come home and want to tell her: sweetie can you believe it I am at day 49! If I do so, she will be so down that it will take weeks to repair it

lomed wrote:


BTW for your info, it is 3 weeks to lag beomer!!!!

I am looking forward, and plan to fly to Israel for this day.