Yesterday I had my hardest challenge since I started this 90 day chart.

I once ordered (most probably about 14 years ago) some inappropriate material. I viewed it then told them to delete my name and address from their mailing list. these companies they have many names, so from time to time i used to get mailings from a different name. I couldn't resist, and viewed them and acted out. After acting out I used to contact them to delete my name from their mailing list. After many times that I have called to delete my name, I have been receiving less and less. I think that for the last over two years I have not received them at all.

Yesterday when I checked the mail, I spotted that I got another package from one of these places. It comes in a double envelope, that on the second there is a warning that I must be 18 before opening and that if I don't want to view explicit content I shouldn't open. When I got it my first reaction was, B"h that this came after being clean for 97 days, now I wont open it and get rid of it. However I needed to cut out the label in order to send them back to delete my name from their list. so I was with one envelope down. The urges were terrible, I was sweating, i Started to feel that I cant resist. I cant through it away anywhere, because i don't want it to come to a different person. I had to keep the closed envelope in my pocket for over an hour till I came to a safe place that i can discard this catalog safely. B"h at the end I got rid of it without viewing inside the envelope.

After all this I was on fire, as never before. I kept on begging heshem please help out of this. This was going on till today noon time. However today at tefilas shachris i felt a closeness to hashem that I don't remember for years feeling like this. I davened with much kavana and clarity that he is the only one that can and will help me.

By now, things eased up, but i am very exhausted and overwhelmed.

In reference to the last few posts that I posted, I wanted to inform about strike two! Last Friday I received again a catalog from the same company (I haven't yet got to delete my name from their mailing list). B"h after the first episode that happened a few days earlier which shook me up, this one was very smooth. I didn't have major challenge, just did what i had to do in terms of discarding it in a safe place, and sending back the mailing envelope to the sender.