7yipol wrote:

ZemirosShabbos wrote:

Three young boys were walking on the sidewalk arguing over whose Daddy was the greatest.

David said, "My Dad is the greatest because he is rich stock broker on Wall Street."

Michael said, "That’s nothing. My Daddy is a politician and he says he’s the most powerful man around."

Moishie said, "That's nothing, my Dad is a rabbi, and he owns hell.”

“How can you own hell?” asked the other boys.

“Well my Dad came home last night and told my mom that the Shul Board gave it to him!"

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Insights from comedian Steven Wright

• Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.
• When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
• When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child. . .
• For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
• I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a neighbor who said "Cut it out!"
• I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
• I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific. I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
• My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out
• I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".
• I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks - I'm not going that far."
• I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

Saddam Hussein is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if
anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stands up and offers that "If my best friend who lives next
door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him,
that would be a tragedy."
"No," Hussein says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her hand. "If a schoolbus carrying fifty Iraqi children drove
off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Hussein. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room is silent;none of the other children volunteer.
"What?" asks Hussein, "Is there no one here who can give me an example of a
tragedy?" Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice,
he speaks: "If an airplane carrying Yassar Arafat, Colonel Kaddafi, and Saddam Hussein were blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy."
"Wonderful!" Hussein beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would
be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be a accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cellphone
to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let'sgo'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the
valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the
hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get
some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So,
what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'

 
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have
decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an
8 year-old again.

I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star
restaurant.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make
a sidewalk with rocks.

I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can
eat them.

I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with
my friends on a hot summer's day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple; When all you knew
were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that
didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know
and you didn't care.

All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully
unaware of all the things that should make you worried or
upset.

I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good.

I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be oblivious to
the
complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.

I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of
computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news,
how to survive more days in the month than there is money in
the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth,
justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making
angels in the snow.

So . . . here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills
and my RRSP statements. I am officially resigning from
adulthood.

And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me
first, cause.............."Tag! You're it."
 

If you want to know what's good for you, take it from me, do not share these with your mom THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside -- I just
finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION:
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into
the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why!"

My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
"Be sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in an
accident."

My mother taught me IRONY:
"Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA:
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER:
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you,
would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times -- don't
exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY:
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world
who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

I am not a zeidy but am not privy to the teen section

If there's someone that has passed 100 days (no not 100 years) and has rsvp to that exclusive club, could you please reply to the newcomer

FOR TEEN WANNA BEE's

Count all the ones that you remember - not the ones you were told
about! Ratings at the bottom.

1. Double Bubble gum with comic strip
2. Coke bottle-shaped Wax, with colored sugar water you drank
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda machines that dispensed bottles
5. Diners, corner malt shops, etc. with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home delivery of Milk in glass bottles-you separated the cream
off the top for skim milk or shook it up for whole milk
7. Party phone lines (sometimes 1 line was shared by 2 to 8 or more
separate houses
8. Newsreels & cartoons before each movie, & serial cliffhanger
movies-a new chapter each Saturday
9. P. F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers that had 5 numbers & a 2-letter prefix of a
word (Olive = OL-69330)
12. Buster Brown & his dog Tige
13. Howdy Doody TV show
14. 33 1/3 & 45 RPM records; Hi-Fi; LPs
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Ice man, Bread man, Scissors Grinder, Rag Man
17. Slide Rule
18. Mimeograph paper & machines
19. Blue flashbulbs
20. Packard & Studebaker cars. Nash Rambler cars with fold down
seats.
All cars having one long upholstered seat (no bucket seats)
21. Metal roller skates that you put your shoes into, then tightened
with roller skate keys
22. Drive-in Movies & drive up Car-Hop restaurants where you were
served car-side
23. Rope Clotheslines
24. Washing machines with 2 roller wringers.You hand fed the wet
soapy clothes through the rollers, first into 1 rinse tub & then from
that
tub into a 2nd rinse tub & then hung clothes on the line with wooden
clothespins-Remember Rinso Blue in the rinse water?
25. Red Light, Red Rover, Double Dutch Jump Rope, Hopscotch, A
Tisket-A Tasket, Musical Chairs, Spin the Bottle, Hide N' Seek, etc.
26. Before Permanent Press:Boiling/making starch on the stove, then
putting the clothes in the starch, wringing them out & putting them in
the refrigerator until time to iron the clothes
27. Cloth diapers you rinsed out, usually in the toilet-then after washing with Ivory soap, you boiled them on the stove.
28. Sterilizing baby bottles/nipples.
29. Washing dishes by hand-before automatic dishwashers
 

If you remembered
0-05 = You're still young
6-10 = You are getting older
11-20 = Don't tell your age,
20-30 = You're older than dirt!

15
 

Gevura Shebyesod wrote:

Are you the only teen wanna be around?

Or, perhaps most guys are afraid of giving away their age, some are already in diapers

Who wants to be a teen? 

Frankly I'm glad a knew so many 6

I saw number 2 in stores less than five years ago
Unless I totally missed the boat, soda machines still dispense bottles
Some people still use clotheslines (especially in Israel)
Kids still play the games mentioned in number 25
And people still wash dishes by hand