WhenZaidyWasYoung wrote:
Ani Haganav

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. A half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.

After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. A half hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous and angry.

"Do you know WHO I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.

"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and hurried out of the room.

THEORY OF SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST

cordnoy wrote:

This is taught in highschool. If you didn't get it then, you never will

peloni almoni wrote:

markz wrote:


One last post on this topic

Hey if you have a joke to share with me / us for free, please do!!

An unemployed biologist got a new job at the zoo. They offered him to dress up in a gorilla's skin and pretend to be a gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo.

On his first day on the job, the guy puts on the skin and goes into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring.

During one acrobatic attempt, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help!"

The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll both lose our jobs!".

one of the guys wrote:

ELECTRICITY by Dave Barry
===========

Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? And
where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical
question: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach
your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did
you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain? This
teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must nev
-er use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important electrical
lesson.
It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuff your
feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects
that carpet manufacturers weave into carpet so that they will attract
dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your
finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then
travel down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the cir
-cuit.
AMAZING ELECTRONIC FACT: If you scuffed your feet long enough without
touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your finger
would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you have carpet-
ing.
Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios,
mixers, etc. for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have any
of these things, which is just as well because there was no place to plug
them in. Then along came along the first Electrical Pioneer, Benjamin
Franklin, who flew a kite in a lightning storm and received a serious
electrical shock. This proved that lightning was powered by the same
force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely that
he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as, "A penny
saved is a penny earned." Eventually, he ahd to be given a job running
the post office.
After Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names have be-
come part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp,
James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important
electrical experiments. Among them, Galvani discovered-this is the truth-
that when he attached two different kinds of metals to the leg of a frog,
an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it
was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's dis
-covery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine.
Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been serious-
ly injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch
it hop back into the pond -- where it sinks like a stone.
But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who
was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal educa
-tion and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first majore invention in 1877
was the phonograph, which soon could be found in thousands of American
homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was developed.
But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879 when he invented the elec-
tric company. Edison's design was a brilliant adaptation of the simple
electrical circuit: the electric company sends electricity through a wire
to a customer, then immediatley gets the electricity back through another
wire, then (this is the brilliant part) sends it right back to the custom
-er again.
This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch
of electricity thousands times of times a day and never get caught, since
very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely.
In fact, the last year any new electricity was generated was 1937.
Today, thanks to men like Edison and Franklin and frogs like Galvani's,
we receive almost unlimited benefits from electricity. For example, in
the past decade, scientists have developed the laser, an electronic appli
-ance so powerful that it can vaporize a bulldozer 2000 yards away, yet
so precise that doctors can use it to perform delicate operations to the
human eyeball,provided they remember to change the power from "Bulldozer"
to "Eyeball."

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a rabbi, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the Torah more, get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."

After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss the use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Torah diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Abraham had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Moses had long hair...." To which the Rabbi replied, "Yes, and they WALKED everywhere they went!"

(-: T H E S M I L E Y I N D E X :-)

The increasing number of computers and electrical communications
requires new standards. We now bring you one of the most important
necessities; THE SMILEY


:-) the normal smiling face, appended to a sentence or an article
means 'this is a joke' or 'this is supposed to make you laugh'

:-| no expression face, 'that comment doesn't phase me'

:-( Sad or angry face ("unsmiley"), 'that comment makes me sad [mad]'

:-} Fiendish grin

;-) used after a (slightly) sarchastic comment
*or*
A wink
*or*
smiling face gets his lights punched out (could be pirate smiling
face??), submitter is a practical joker who played one too many and got
beat up

;-| no expression face gets his lights punched out, says nothing but still
gets beat up

;-( sad face gets his lights punched out, sad or mad and got beat up, or
'that makes me so mad that if I ever see you I'll punch your lights out'

|-( Smiley sent late at night

:-> Same as #1 except person who submitted it has problems with their lips

:-{) Same as #1 except submitter has mustache

:-} normal smiling face with pretty lips, same as #1 except person that
submitted it is wearing lipstick or some other lip appearance improving
device

:-\ popeye smiling face, for people who look like popeye

;-\ popeye gets his lights punched out

~/~ Stirring up trouble. (I have to admit I don't really understand this one)

:-] biting sarcasm smiling face, used when sarcasm is intended, since we
cannot inflect our voice over the net

:-[ biting criticism smiling face, ditto for criticism

:*) drunk smiling face, for those of us who like get intoxicated before or
while reading netnews

: ) smiling face needs a nose job, no explanation necessary

:>) submitter has a big nose

:<| submitter attends an Ivy League school

:%)% submitter has acne

=:-) submitter is a hosehead

:-(*) submitter is getting sick of most recent netnews articles and is
about to vomit

:-)8 submitter is well dressed

%-) submitter is cross-eyed

#-) submitter partyed all night

:-* submitter just ate a sour pickle

-:-) submitter sports a mohawk and admires Mr. T

(-) submitter likes to scuba dive

:-'| submitter has a cold

:-)' submitter tends to drool

':-) submitter accidentally shaved off one of his eyebrows this morning

(-: submitter is Don Ellis from Tektronix

8:] normal smiling face except that submitter is a gorilla

%-^ submitter is Picasso

(-: submitter is left-handed

0-) submitter is an arc-welder
*or*
submitter is wearing a scuba mask

*:o) submitter is a Bozo

8-) submitter wears glasses

o-) submitter is a cyclops

%-) submitter with long bangs

(-) submitter needing a haircut

*-( Cyclops got poked in the eye

&-) person submitting has been staring at the terminal for 36 hours

B-) person submitting is cool and wearing cheap sunglasses

B-| person submitting is hypercool and wearing cheap sunglasses

P-) person submitting is getting fresh

:^( submitter has had his nose put out of joint. Useful for replying to
flames.

|-) Submitter is asleep

|-( Submitter is asleep (boredom)

.-) Submitter has one eye

'-) Submitter only has a left eye, which is closed

:=) Submitter has two noses

:-D Submitter talks too much

_
:-) Submitter is Prince Charles
-

:-o Submitter is shocked

:-{ submitter has read too many of the toilet paper articles previous to
lunch

:-)= Respondent has beard.

:-)@ Respondent's beard has permanent wave *or* was drawn by Picasso.

:-# Respondent's lips are sealed.

-(:-) Submitter is the pope

8:-) Submitter wears glasses but has them placed on his/her forehead

{(:-) Submitter is wearing toupee.

}(:-( Submitter, wearing toupee in wind.

<|-)= Submitter is Chinese. (sorry bout that)

<|-(= Submitter is Chinese and doesn't like this article.

:-( Submitter has read too many 'smiley' articles.

___
/ \
| RIP | Submitter accidentially died
|_____|

O|-) Submitter is a saint

8:-I Submitter is a Unix-wizard

Z-) Submitter is from the Twilight Zone

X-( Submitter is to perform suicide

:-I hmm ?

E-:-I Submitter operates on net.ham-radio

>:-I The same for net.startrek

3:o[ ... net.pets

:-# Submitter wears braces

:-)X Submitter wears a bow tie

:-Q Submitter is a smoker

<:I Submitter is a dunce

(:I Submitter is an egghead

B-) horn-rims

8:-) submitter wearing his glasses on his forehead

:-8( condescending stare

:-` smiley spitting out its chewing tobacco

:-1 smiley bland face

:-! "

:-@ smiley face screaming

:-#| smiley face with bushy mustache

:-$ smiley face with it's mouth wired shut

:^) smiley with pointy nose (righty)

:-7 smiley after a wry statement

:-s smiley after bizarre statement/comment

:-* smiley after eating something bitter

:-& smiley which is tongue-tied

:-9 smiley licking it's lips

:-0 smiley orator

smiley invisible man

(:-( unsmiley frowning

(:-) smiley big-face

):-) "

):-( unsmiley big-face

)O-) big-face scuba smiley

=:-) punk-rocker smiley

=:-( (real punk rockers don't smile)

=:-#} smiley punk with a mustache....

:-q smiley trying to touch its tongue to its nose

:-e disappointed smiley

:-t cross smiley

:-i semi-smiley

:-o smiley singing national anthem

:-p smiley sticking its tongue out (at you!)

:-[ un-smiley blockhead

:-] smiley blockhead

{:-) smiley with its hair parted in the middle (could be a priest)

}:-) above in an updraft

:-a lefty smilely touching tongue to nose

:-d lefty smiley razzing you

g-) smiley with pince-nez glasses

:-j left smiling smilely

:-k beats me, looks like something, tho.

:-: mutant smiley

: submitter is a robot (or other appropriate AI project)

:-\ undecided smiley

:-| "have an ordinary day" smiley

:-c bummed out smiley

:-v talking head smiley

:v) left-pointing nose smiley

:-b left-pointing tongue smiley

:-/ lefty undecided smiley

:-? smilely smoking a pipe

:-=) older smiley with mustache

:u) smiley with funny-looking left nose

:n) smiley with funny-looking right nose

:> midget smiley

:< midget unsmiley

:-)/2 remark was only

IT IS TOTALY OUT OF MY CONTROL, GYE CHANGES SOME SMILEYS FROM THE SIMPLE CHARACTERS...