shemirateinayim wrote on 27 Dec 2009 18:02:


As far as revealing to a date, see this page: www.guardureyes.com/GUE/RTwerski/Dating.asp

Wow...me, mechavein to R' Yeruchum? The truth is, I was thinking about a piece from R' Dessler (both from Kelm, right?), where he talks about the idea of emes and sheker. It's a dnagerous line he draws, and we have to be careful when we use it. But basically, I think he defines emes as furthering hashem's will, and sheker as the opposite of that - and that's why Yaackov Avinu is called Ish Emes, which on a superficial level, doesn't seem to fit with his dealing with Esev, Yitzchok, and the brachos.

So, when to apply this is difficult, but if it seems that there might be a chillul hashem, then it's worth asking someone wiser than ourselves.

As far as shidduchim, and what to say, I guess I'm lucky - I have a rebbe who understands me and my situation, knows pretty much everything about it - plus, he's in touch with my therapist. So I can ask him what to say, how much, and how.

thanks guard. i read it as one of the responses to a thread i started on shidduchim for addicts.

to tell you the truth, if the girl has unrestricted access, i can't believe that she never did anything wrong. I know they desire real love and meaningful relationships. but c'mon they never wondered about 'human anatomy'? they never wanted to test HOW easy it is for 'other people' to see this? they never checked the history on the family computer?  plus who says they had NO y'h to 'further their education' in zera levatalah?  (Tos yevamos 14b, the only reason women can check them selves frewuently is because they are not EASILY 'mitchameim' but the issur is still there according to some rishonim (I only allowed myself to learn the sigya partly halacha lema'aseh.. it has all the birth control shaylos, and the R Akiva Eiger that poskim aren't choshesh for.)

if she has a laptop, I want to know what she does on it, before finalizing anything. If i'm capable of "loving not lusting" I want someone likewise. I don't want messed up kids, with destroyed neshamos! i want kedusha vetahara, and that's why i don't want to see any porn! i know messed up bachurim, and Chas veshalom, it would kill me to have kids like that!

but I will will speak to my rebbe at lenght before revealing it, how to do it, and how to explain it. Under the circumstances, I have a good reputation for being parush me'Arayos (shmiras einayim), so that will definitely help weigh things out.

yes, there are some girls with unrestricted access who never looked at this stuff.
believe me, ok?

some might have looked- but not anywhere near like men

Many girls/women are curious, take a peek and are GROSSED out.

yeah, that's pretty much what happens.
*sigh*
am i allowed to be jelous?

habib613 wrote on 28 Dec 2009 15:58:


Boruch Hashem, my wife has never been interested in this garbage (she knows nothing about deleting history files).

You start appreciating the jewish nation when you see what the nashim are like. That's where you can really see the beauty of klal yisroel. The percentage of non-jewish women who do have a taavoh for it altogether is WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY higher.

I voted on the poll.

I read a few posts.

I found out that I do not have the ability to stay sober whil being actively involved with this thread any more.

I wish you a nice day.

IIIIIIIIIII

Seeing that Option #2 is leading says alot about the type of people that belong to GYE.

dov wrote on 28 Dec 2009 18:03:
R' Dov, those subtle messages...

I'm very confused. First I get an email saying that a post was reported in this thread (but it appears to have been deleted, so I don't know what it said), then Dov says he can't read it. Is there something triggering here?

There was something triggering... First Kedusha edited it, and then I decided to delete it all together, since someone could get ideas about searching to see what he meant  - and in general it was a triggering post. Sorry to the one who wrote it!  :-[

Back to the original topic...I just voted for #2.  Although I understand feeling embarrassed, I've heard some shiurim lately that confirmed what I've suspected for a while and help to overcome this initial reaction. 

The solution to this addiction, as has been said many times in many different ways here on GUE, is staying connected and relating properly to yourself, to others and to Hashem.  This is the goal of the 12 steps and if you can do this by whatever method, you're on the right track.  Disconnection from yourself, others and Hashem is fertile soil for the Y"H and leads to all sorts of addictions and negative behaviors, including addiction to lust.  As the frum community becomes more open and honest and willing to acknowledge shortcomings and discuss ways to address them, it's clear that MANY people do not FEEL Yiddishkeit - ie to some extent, they are missing one or more of the essential connections for proper living.  There are more and more articles on kids at risk, adults at risk and behaviors that are inconsistent with Torah values within the "frum" community.  Although not all of these people are addicted to lust, they share the same lack that led us to addiction...and they need the same medicine.  Viewed in this way, the universe of "fellow warriors" is unfortunately quite large.  In my opinion, this is the challenge of our generation, not just of those on this forum.  So if we're here tackling this, we're in the top echelon!  We're working on EXACTLY what EVERYONE should be working on.  Not only shouldn't we be embarrassed, we're leaders!

Hence my vote.

aaron4 wrote on 28 Dec 2009 19:26:


You hit the nail as squarely on the head as a nail could be hit on the head :D
I could not have written that any better, and that is why I made this poll; I want to see whether other people agree with this view. Apparently, many do not, and I think it's unfortunate because the loneliness which is exacerbated by the other view (that we are all pervs, most people are not like us, and we should be ashamed to share this with anyone) is fertile breeding ground for lust (and other self-destructive behaviors).