BT2001 wrote on 02 Aug 2022 14:07:

Thanks for a great honest question..  i don't recall answering previously so here goes...

I used to struggle with something simliar every year by yom kippur.  on the one hand i was davening sincerely,  i was trying to do teshuva and ask hashem for forgiveness and to be written in the book of good life etc... on the other hand, there was a voice in my head that was constantly telling me "you know that you are going to be doing the same aveiros within a day or two"... (sometimes within an hour or two...) I was embarrassed to even ask for forgiveness.  Truthfully there were years that i actually davened to hashem that he take me from this world before i fell even further... 

So i know very well what it means to know what is right and still want and be pulled in the direction of what is wrong - even on the holiest day of the year!

Ultimately what will probably need to be done, is to separate the voices and understand what it is that You really want, and what it is that the yetzer hara is telling you (using your voice) that you want.  There are various exercises that may work. 

Try to identify the feelings that are coming from the yetzer hara and think of them as if they are coming from someone else.

Try to think about what your long term goal is in life? Envision where you want to be in 20 years.  Then ask yourself what it is you need to get to that place?

Find someone objective to speak these things out with.  Someone you can trust to bare your soul with whom you can be fully honest.  Verbalizing your thoughts often helps you attain a clarity that seemed unattainable.  

Write.  If you don't have someone with whom you can speak openly. Try expressing yourself in writing. Try to reach deep inside and uncover your emotions and feelings.  They are all valid.  Express them.  Hopefully you will discover the truth that may be buried deep inside yourself.

As others have mentioned, a list of reasons you want to stop and the damage inflicted by not stopping should be very helpful.  

Review the above and refer back to them regularly.

For myself, reading a chapter of the book The Battle of the Generation each night is very helpful in keeping my motivation going.  I do believe though that the initial motivation to start this journey needs to come from within using some of the methods mentioned above.

Wishing you much clarity and success.

vehkam

Last night I visited a new Beis Medrash for a few minutes to meet with a friend. On the way out, about to get into my car, I looked across the parking lot and froze. Found myself standing, for the first time in years, directly across from a small parking lot behind a public building. 

I was flooded with a sense of sadness as the images rushed over me.

I saw the moon peeking out, through tattered clouds, over a darkened, quiet town, at 3 AM. Saw a conflicted, confused Yungerman, sitting in the backseat of his own car, parked among the shadows, trying to connect to public Wifi, a wan blankness on face. He paused for a moment to think on just going home, about his learning, and then chose to go into just-not-thinking. A mix of self-loathing and desire making a bitter, metallic, taste in his mouth.... 

Standing next to a brand new Beis Medrash, looking across the bridge of many years and tears - I felt so bad for him. I have so much Rachmanus on him. I don't really understand him so well anymore. I have so many things I want to tell him, so much I want to say. [I also want to do whatever I can to help others like him, too]. I want to free him from that self-loathing and pain.. But I felt so sad.... 

I left, called a friend, and went on and I spent the rest of the evening engaged in productivity and learning.

Disquiet persists.
I am happy that that yungerman is doing so much better. I am glad he has found healing. Sad for what was lost. Proud of what has been gained. This I also know: There, but for the grace of Hashem and His undeserved Rachamim and Chessed go I. 
Gotta go make today count now.   

CBT can be an incredible tool. 

On a simple and practical level: Write a short paragraph listing your motivations, goals, and courses of action to meet your commitments. Put it in your wallet (or Siddur!) and review it a few times a day (helps to read out loud, too). This can be extremely helpful.