I'm still here.  Hard times are only made harder by falls.  I am staying away.  I have a knas-based filter and I intend to increase the knas.  I have unfortunately been imagining if paying the knas is worth it.  (Pro-tip: IT'S NOT.)

What works for me is writing about my experiences here.  I've had more positive results by sharing my thoughts out of the way, rather than as replies to individuals.  Typically chaverim on this website need sympathy and a direct response to their matzav, not the addition of someone else's burden.

The reason why trans-sexual matters bothers me so much is two-fold.  FIrst of all, the way I grew up I was exposed to a lot of hyper-sexualized adult content when I was still younger than ten, which ultimately I found deeply disturbing.  I don't think anyone should be exposed to that.  So-called "French / European" parenting IS UTTERLY STUPID.  I sympathize for the poor kids exposed to this stuff, and it's no surprise to me that they're confused.  They need an advocate, so I speak out against this stuff.

The second reason is more embarrassing.  I'm hoping to share it here in the hope that I can disconnect from it.  I spent more than a decade of my life feeling utterly alone in my intimate life, unworthy, unloved, and without any path forward.  I thought it was my lot in life that I would just have to wait until I was older.  My father was much, much older than my mother.  I was hoping that once I was successful enough, I would also marry someone much younger.  But now, in this generation, so many of the teenage girls are irreversibly maiming themselves or else the twentys-somethings are feminists that are competing with men and employers prefer compliant women than ambitious and energetic young men, or even worse the thirty-somethings use sex to advance their careers, fooling the men and then turning against them.  Once the women are in their forties it's very difficult to have kids, and now it's a shoah again, and this time in slow-motion.  These are my perceptions and I don't think I'm alone.  Is this the punishment in store for those of us with this addiction?  How do I repent?  I don't know.  I don't have answers.  All I know is that I'M NOT TURNING BACK.  For now, that has to be enough.  If there is a positive action that I can take, I will take it.  I will pray for guidance and many miracles.

Be well, be strong and of good courage.  HAZAK V'EMATZ

PS: If you want world peace, start by treating yourself with dignity and respect, and then love your neighbor.

I feel bad about my last post.

Everyone has someone special intended for them.  G-d willing, you will find yours and you will live happily with them.  I hope that whatever challenges you face, either if you are single or you are married, that you can overcome them and go on to do avodah, mitzvot  and gemilut chasidim.

Implied in my last message is that women are inter-changeable.  They are not.  It would be better to say that I think even nice people can get absorbed into bowing to this cult.  I fear that it is distracting people from their true purpose.  I know that giving energy to this topic is dangerous.  It would be even more dangerous to be surprised by this in your office or in your home, like I was.  Imagine this idea tearing your family apart, even though everything else was beseder, or so it seemed.

Shana Tova to all.

I remember when 9/11 happened.  I felt so lonely and I didn't know how to deal with the emotions.  I turned to p & m, and it was a horrible decision.

I'm not doing that now, glory be to G-d.  I'm very grateful that GYE exists.  In addition to GYE, I've joined a 24-hour tehilim group via a messaging application.  That helps me always redirect my energy to the positive guiding path of Hisratzon, His will.  It keeps me from getting triggered and overwhelmed by a bad piece of news and then spiraling out of control into a delusional pit of self-soothing madness.  I'm constantly receiving notifications from around the world of people reciting Tehilim.  I get to contribute, too, especially if I'm feeling lonely or disconnected.  I trust Ad-nai HaTzevaot completely to deliver Am Israel ultimately from this situation.  I have been doing my part to support my family in Israel, and I will continue to do so.

I found an easy way to simulate the effect of the GenTech screen filter on my computer for free.  I am using it right now and it helps a lot with triggers from news and advertisements.  In Windows 10 I go to Settings then "Ease of Access."  Find the "color filter" setting and turn it on.  Now all images have an inverted color palette.  The images seem unnatural, and so do not trigger me as badly.  That gives me enough time to scroll past, close the advertisement, restrict my filter even further, vegomer.  This works for me, and I hope that it helps you.

The most important thing is to behave in a calm way.  Of course we are all sad and angry.  But we also have a responsibility to show compassion amongst ourselves because that is how we support our family and friends.  This is especially important to teach to young children, that we value love and life.  In the diaspora, our friends in shul are like our extended family, the way that actual extended family is in Israel.  Our communities in our shuls are how we bond and stay together.  We are looking for a sense of purpose among all this chaos and nonsense.  The love that exists between the people of Israel stands athwart the hatred from our enemies that hate us.  It is important for me to remember that I have to do this job, which is mainly to give love to my family, friends, and loved ones like a shield against this present evil.

Please forgive me for making a post in the forum at this late hour.  I wish I could set a better example and not be using computer technology so close to bedtime, which ordinarily would be quite dangerous for me.  I hope this exception in my sleep hygiene discipline helps you.  It's hard to sleep with these thoughts in my mind, and sharing it helps.

I intend to recite all 150 chapters of Tehilim for the zechut of the hayalim and I look forward to reciting Yehi Ratzon.  Am Israel Chai, Am Israel Echad.