Kedusha wrote on 20 Feb 2011 21:53:

I neglected to tell the rest of the story.  This girl got engaged to someone I know about a year later.  However, after the vort, she started getting cold feet, until she broke the engagement.  I am 100% certain that that would have been me, had I gotten engaged to her - but the RBS"O kindly kept me far away from getting to such point.

This is not to say what would happen in your case, which we have no way of knowing.  But, we need to remember that the RBS"O is constantly protecting us from ourselves ("Shomeir pesa'im Hashem").

Hatzlacha, Bracha, and Simchos, dear Chaver!

Staying focused,
How are you holding up? I don't know what kind of circle you are a part of but when I dated for a month and it ended I was devastated so I can not imagine how you feel. I don't understand if the only thing missing is her emotion then why don't you and her continue dating until the right emotions come? Girls tend to follow their emotions instead of their logic and we probably won't understand ever. But if she really means so much to you as you make it sound why are you so easily ready to let her go? Maybe this is the master plan but we have to do our hishtadlus too. You already got so far as 3 and a half months why not continue until she is ready? What ever ends up happening just stay strong and keep on posted. We are here and we will try to take her place to keep you strong! Good luck!

hopeful wrote on 21 Feb 2011 00:35:


Rav Pam, ZT"L, used to discourage people from pushing too hard in Shidduchim - it can lead to undesirable results.  If you're worried about Hishtadlus, Stayingfocused has done more than his share.  He didn't let her go easily.  It seems that the time is not right for this particular Shidduch to take place, and there is no guarantee that it ever will be.

I know this may seem brutal now but i think you have to jump back into dating. It will help you heal, and keep you busy focused on other things. If as Kedusha said there is no going back to that girl, then move on. But if you think you may be able to go back to her, find a way. Do you have someone mutual who can speak to her? If not, go do some guy stuff and hang out with your friends. And as hard as it may seem go out with another girl. How are you doing today?

Hey every1 thanx for all the replies. Once again im stuck lying in bed with no strength or desire to get up, but i am comforted somewhat reading the posts here. I still feel completely numb, and honestly the reality of this situation hasnt really set in yet. I keep waiting to get a call or text saying wats up?, or hey i realized i made a terrible mistake im ready, but that hasnt happened. All ive done today (after goin to shachris) is lay in bed crying reading letters she wrote me, emails i sent her, different texting convos i had saved, and a log of our dating life, until i passed out from exhustion. The true feelings for each other that were expressed in these writings as well as all the memories from the past almost 4 months r stuck in my head, and it doesnt let me believe that we can possibly b over rite now. How can it b that some1 i had spent so much time wit and affects every part of my life be gone in a split sec?? I actually met wit my rav yesterday and spent a lot of time wit him and i plan on continuing our convo at some point today. It was good to speak out my feelings and hopefully he will continue to help me heal. After spending time wit him yest, 2 friends of mine hu also went thru similar situations took me out and we just chilled venting to each other and giving each other chizuk. It was good to get out for a bit, but honestly it only helped for those moments where my mind as off it, but now once again my mind is completely consumed wit this! I know that i have to keep myself busy, but at this point im so not interested in seeing any1 and talking bout it. I did get a lot of chizuk tho from  rising ups post yest. It was truly inspiring for me to know that i affected some1 elses life in sucha big way, and i just burst into tears (something thats been happening pretty often lately). So thanx rising up, it was 1 of the few things that really put a smile on my face yest.
  Also i just wanna respond to another post by hopeful. As kedusha so rightfully said at this point i literally have done everything and more i cud possibly do to make it work. If it was solely up to me i wud love to continue dating her cuz that wud mean i cud spend more time wit my best friend and the person i care about more than any1 else and i know that it prob wud b helpful to get her to where she needs to b. But thats not the case, and at this point in time all factors considered somehow i have to accept that we r not meant to b for each other rite now :-(

Staying Focused,
I can only assure you that time heals all wounds, unless she is your true bashert then it won't heal and she will come back. Try to 'stay focused' on your goal but do not think too much about it. Distract yourself. It will all work out for the best I can promise you that Hashem did not give you this test if He did not think you can pass with flying colors.

Tateleh

We say in davenenig

Harofey lishvoorei lev. Ubichabesh li-atzvosom

I have no magic for u

And I won't tell u anything u don't know already

All I can say is I feel for you and for her

May u see a clear picture one day

May u be zoche to stand under the chuppa with your true bashert and build a life based on happinnes and not based on any guilt

Yes u loved this girl. Yes u have feelings for her

That's perfectly normal

In my simplistic reality test

Staying focused! Are u driving your truck in drive or in reverse

Well if u wanna gt somewhere u gotta be in drive

I will tell u some advice : its gonna hurt. Its not meant to hurt

Delete all the txts

Just delete em

Or get a new phone

U will make urself miserable

U can't go back in reverse


May u see bracha and happiness

Get out of bed

I know it hurts

Read garden of emunah u won't regret it

I'm here for u

B

The Rebbes dont need support for their words,

but in response to Reb Bards, i have what to say.

I had terrible shidduchim.
My parents stopped everything my rabbeim had, and instead were mishadeich me to porpoises.

Once, i landed a shidduch reaaal chashuv-her close kin is on cover of a well known artscroll book we all love. (ARTSCROLL=chashuv)
We went out many times. Each time she "didn't know"
Then she had to return to shmutza la-aretz for some college test.

No problem-all the kings horses and all the kings men told meto fly out to her city and continue.

I was young. I shouldve asked more questions. I mean, why cont. to go out w/ a girl that after so long Doesnt know.

It means in my story that she doesnt know she doesnt want.
So im a smart guy (i love complimenting myself!)
i decided im gonna tell her she doesnt like me and wrap it all up.

we went out and i broke her the news "if u still go back and forth then you probably mean to say no? She said "tzaddik, thats brilliant. Get outa my life".

this story took like 5 weeks.

during the whole time, i listened again and again to her message she left on my travelcell.
i saved a sucking candy she offered me and looked at it.

I waited each day in a town not my own, alone, waiting waiting.

I too couldnt get outa bed.

i read star wars books and finished two in a week.
i forgot the name of the parsha.
i began to watch tv to pass time, and somehow almost did an aveirah w/ a single other person nearby.

Why did i do all that.

then, i came back to ey and was reddd to another girl, whose tatty is knows bichul ktzos hateivel. chashuv. Here it is!
and then at last minute after a date was set, they said she'd rather go out first w/ a boy her family knows more.

Fair and square, i said, to the shadchan who wrote ARTSCROLL books.
That night my roommate went on his first date, gets engaged to this girl, and i wanted to poke out my eyes with a pen.

And.....guess what....im married now w/ a bunch of kids and i have an orange beard, and my wifes the best for me God cld find.

I put myself through so much grief for what?! Anyways i got my bashert in the right time.

My friend-listen to the gedoilim here.

BARDS STYLE CAPS LOCK-LISTEN TZADDIK

YOU DID YOUR'E HISHTADLUS, RIGHT?

yOUR'E GETTING MRRIED FOR GOD, RIGHT?

GOD WANTS YOU TO GET MARRIED TOO, RIGHT?

SO NOW LOOSEN UP AND DANCE, LEARN SOME FUN PURIM VERTLACH

WRITE A CHABURA ABOUT DRINKING ON PURIM

BUY BALOONS GOTO HOSPITAL AND BLOW EM UP FOR SICK KIDS

ITLL WORK OUT

BUT YOU GOTTA HOLD YOURSELF TOGETHER IN ONE PIECE

YOULL ALSO HAVE AN ORANGE BEARD

YOU'LL POST AGAIN THE DAY BEFORE YOUR CHUPPAH

GOD IS THE MAN AND HE'S IN CHARGE

LET HIM DO YOUR WORK SO YOU HAVE TIME TO WRITE THAT CHABURAH

AND THEN POST IT IN THE BEIS MEDRASH HERE ON GYE

GOD KNOWS ITLL BE GOOD
WE KNOW TOO
YOU ALSO KNOW
IN EY YOU'D SAY TO YOURSELF yiyyeh tov-itll be good

love, a gye friend

btw dont forget how amazing you are for going this far in the first place-nisyonos like these are reserved for people like you
i'll daven!
tzaddik90

Staying Focused,
How are you doing? Are you starting to have a little solace and relief? Do you see a light at the end of the tunnel? We are all thinking about you and waiting to hear from you. I hope you are able to stay strong through all this we are rooting for you!

TZADDIK

YOU ARE FLAKIN CRAZY

YOU ARE THE BEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I KNEW ALL ALONG YOU HAD A ORANGE BEARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I HAVE A PURPLE BEARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CAN WE ALL GO BLOW BALOONS FOR KIDS IN THE HOSPITAL

WHO JUST WISH THEY CAN TAKE ONE BREATH OF FRESH AIR AND FLY A KITE OVER A LAKE

YOISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


SF

LISTEN TO THE CRAZY TZADDIK!!!!!!!!!


THANK TATTY U DIDNT MARRY THE ARTSCROLL SIDDUR

YOU WOULD BE BENDING AT THE FOREFATHERS AND TAKING THREE LITTLE STEPS BACKWARDS

WITHOUT A BACKUP SIREN

EEEET EEEET EEEET

LIKE I HAVE ON MY BIGGG TRUCKKK


COME TO BARDS TOWN

ILL PULL YOUR ORANGE MANDARINA BEARD BATATZ HECHSHER

U CAN PULL MY PRUPLE BEARD

JUST PLAIN SHAE-ARIS

b

Bards is crazy, but i didnt kno he was this crazy.

All that i eke out of simcha is because of him.

Staying Focused,
How are you? Have you gotten out of bed yet? We are all thinking about you... please let us know how you are doing.

tzaddik90 wrote on 24 Feb 2011 17:11:

Hey every1 sorry I haven't posted in a while, honestly I don't really have a good excuse for it. These posts take me time to write and I cudnt sit down wit a clear head and write em. Since the last time I posted lots has happened, and I'm a bit nervous for the reactions ill get. So first off ill start by saying I have made it outta bed and am finally bak in yeshiva. It feels good to b learning again, and its an escape for my mind. As great as it is tho, its still really hard to make it thru full sedarim. At the moment I only have a chavrusa for first seder, second and nite seder and kinda roughing alone. Even wen I'm learning wit my chavrusa its hard to stay fully focused witout my mind wandering...second and nite seder tho is where its extremely tough. Sitting there alone is not good for me, as my brain constantly wanders to my predicament, altho at the end of the day I'm happy to b out and about in yeshiva; it sure beats crying all day in bed. Keeping busy and trying to take my mind off my whole mess is working to a degree, but the pain is still enormous and I still feel like I'm missing a big part of me :-(  but now here's where it gets a lil interesting...my good friend is newly married to my girlfriends best friend. Over the past week I hung out wit them a bunch so I cud hear wat was happening on the other end. I was itching to know how she was doing, just cuz I knwo how rough its been for me and I felt even worse to know that she was in pain too. The feedback I heard was that she was terribly distraught and it wasn't getting any easier as time passed. I know this sounds bad, but I was a bit happy to hear that cuz it gave me hope that she wud realize she needs me and is making a pretty bad mistake. Being semi in touch wit her has kinda put me more in denial that were over, which I guess isn't really such a good thing. But anyways, I knew that she was still very confused and was still goin bak and forth, so I wrote her an email suggesting that she spk to a certain rabbi to give her some guidance and help her allieviate her confusion. Being that we weren't in direct contact I had my friend forward her the email. That nite (last wed) I got a response directly from her. To make a long story short for the past few days we were emailing a bunch, and then last nite it escalated into goin bak to texting. Basically we ended up texting each other till 8 am this morn!! I can't even begin to describe how incredible it was talkin to her again last nite. I really felt so excited to talk to her, somethin that had been missing for quite some time, and b"h that was her feelings too! We both came out of our convo this morn on a high, I really felt our spark had been rekindled. We've continued talkin throughout the day today, altho she feels a lilk guilty talking the whole day cuz were not really tog anymore. No1 knows that we've "gotten bak tog", and I don't think we can really say anything to any1. This has obviously brought the denial levels to altime highs, but I can't help it I seriouslky just love talking to her!! She still feels a need to talk to the rabbi I told her to speak to and a therapist she's been seeing, but my heart is just not letting me believe that they'll say not to go for it. Everything just seems to b comin bak, but she still seems to b pretty confused...she plans on speaking to them within the next few days I hope hashems plan is for everything to work out for us tog, cuz I really think we both need each other. But hey, wat do I know.

the best thing you can do is get yourself a 2nd seder chavrusa and let Hashem handle his side of things.