Dearest SF,

I recently had a similar experience and nearly got engaged to a girl who was also my best  friend. when the pressure came on, I was going through similar crazy experiences and feelings.... I found myself doing crazy things for her and crying and tearing kriah......what is most important is that you realize the situation is not in your hands and that you have done all that is asked of you.... whatever happens is for the best and is part of a Master plan.

Even though right now it hurts so so so much and the thought of losing her tastes like death, it is only temporary. If she is destined for you, then no matter what happens, Hashem will see that she return - even if it is not right now. If she is not destined for you - then you must know with all of your heart that there exists someone even better for you.

Now i know that me saying this is just a bunch of words to you right now, but as someone who has expereinced what you are going through - you must know that this is for your best. whether she be your beshert or someone else, you have no need to worry. in fact, for all you know, this current test of emunah might be a deciding factor in how the situation plays out. Even though it seems as though time has frozen for the moment and living seems like a firey hell, you must know that surviving this with a smile is your job right now.........NO MATTER WHAT THE OUTCOME.

I bless you my holy yid that H' make it easy for you to trust His plan and realize that all of life is a blessing. may you merit long life with the girl of your true destiny and continue to build both yourself and a bayis neeman beyisroel

bardichev wrote on 14 Jan 2011 17:12:



How about espacialy you ,maybe this nisoyen isn't given to everyone (Kol me'chaeirow...)

What a beautiful Beracha!!!
What a beautiful post!!!
What a beautiful site!!!
Nice job Confidence. I know you've earned mine!!

Feeling for you, Chaver.  I dated two different girls "long term" (about 2 months), and both rejected me in the end.  In both cases, I was very very upset.  But, Boruch Hashem, I got over it, and I met my Bashert after dating around 20 girls over about 2.5 years.  In restrospect, I am very very happy that the earlier girls rejected me, because I didn't have the experience (or seichel) to reject them. 

Not that everything is so perfect now that I'm married - the reality is, as Rav Avigdor Miller, ZT"L, has said many times, that romantic love is an illusion promoted by Hollywood, and it basically ends with marriage (my apologies to anyone who is still under the illusion!).  The romance and infatuation are necessary to get us married - otherwise, no man would give up his freedom for all the obligations of the Kesuba.  After marriage it's a very different relationship.  Hopefully better, but very different.  As Rabbi Shafier of The Shmuz puts it: "When a couple is engaged, and the man trips, the woman asks anxiously - "are you OK?"  Fast forward two years into their marriage, and the same woman says "You're such a klutz!" 

Anyway, continued Hatzlacha, and HKB"H should answer all your Tefilos for the good!

Logically I understand that obviously wtvr ends up happening is ultimately for the best, and that somehow in hashems infinite wisdom it will all b for my good. BUT it will still b extremely difficult for me to accept the reality if the answer is no. I have a friend hu also recently went thru a similar situation where things dragged on and on and just last week she ended it. He was and is completely devastated, though hes slowly coming to accept the reality of the situation. i know how devastating itll b for me if the answer i get is a no, as much as i know its somehow for my best. Every1 in their situation probably says this, but i really think my situation is a bit different then others. My relationship is really built on way more than just hollywood feelings of romance and all that stuff. At the time we were ready to get engaged thats probably wat it was. But we went thru tremendous downfalls and struggles and somehow we were able to get bak up and slowly rebuild our relationship and i truly believe  that made it even stronger. I really feel that goin thru those difficulties and building on them has made us way more deeply connected than we were before. Weve been told that the challenges we faced brought us into reality, and the relationship weve been living has been more like a married couples' than a regular dating couples'. Wit that being said, the prospect of losing some1 hu im so deeply connected to based on ALL the things weve been thru and built upon, is terribly heartbreaking. This week of no speaking and just waiting has been hard enough, and i still have 2 more days left!! I know how hard this week was/is for me and how it affected me, and im dying to know how shes doin on the other end. I know its difficult for her too, and honestly i just wanna know that shes doin ok. I keep wanting to call/text her to c how shes doing, but i know that rite now thats not an option for me. The thought of never talkin to her again and losing some1 hu ive become closer to in 3 and a half months than to any1 else is too overbearing for me. Purim kattan is a trmendous eis ratzon to daven for anything, and im davening that things shud work out for the best which shud b wat i think is the best. But if somehow its not, then i hope i can accept this nisayon from hashem wholeheartedly and pull myself tog and try to move on as hard as that will b.

your words are mamish heartfelt and inspiring.....they remind me strongly of my recent experience. I feel your pain....

may your words of chizuk and emunah continue to inspire all who read them -- including both the author and  the Author

hello stayingfocused,
i recently have been through a similar situation and i can relate to u. i understand how u feel, as my heart has also been broken, one think i can tell u however is not to despair on wat u have been working so hard on. please do not give in to ur lust as i have and i feel like an idiot. not only is my heart broken by being dumped from the girl of my dreams, i also gave in to my addiction. keep us posted wat is going on. we r all thinking of u and hoping for the best

Says it better than anything I can come with.
May HKBH help you heal.

As implied in my post above, I am eternally grateful to the RBS"O for every girl who turned me down, including the handful that I was very interested in.

Healing takes time, dear Chaver, but, b'Ezras Hashem, it won't be too long.  During this time, it is more important than ever to take good care of yourself, getting sufficient sleep, exercise, and optimal nutrition (food and appropriate supplements).  Most important is staying clean.  Keep up your Sedarim in learning, and Daven regularly with a Minyan.

In summary, by being the best person you can be, both b'Ruchniyus and b'Gashmiyus, you will, b'Ezras Hashem, merit finding your true Zivug - someone who will both appreciate you and be worthy of you.

Chazak v'Ematz!

I regret to inform every1 of the terrible news, she ended up saying no. im literally numb to the core rite now, it feels like im in a nightmare and i keep pinching myself to c if this really happend. By some miracle i was able to get out of bed for shachris where i poured out my heart to hashem to pls just make this work. Pls help her realize that shes making the worst mistake of her life and she shud feel wtvr it is that she needs to feel to go thru wit this. For the past almost 6 hours after shachris ive been stuck in bed paralyzed from this whole thing. I really feel like a piece of me was taken away, and i cant move on. This reminds me of wen my grandma was really sick and i was davening by her bedside crying that she needs to recover cuz i need her, and at that point every1 was sayin i have to stop its over and as hard as it is pls just let go, but i cudnt do it. I cant let go of this either! This girl has been the greatest thing that happened to my life, and these last 3 and a half months have been truly surreal! I have learned a tremendous amount from her and i really do feel like a better person cuz of her. Shes an extremely integral part in my road to recovery, and a big reason y ive been able to stay strong is cuz i cant let her down. Throughout this whole dating process i literally gained a new best friend in her. She was some1 that i cud share anything wit and i knew that shed b rite by my side helping me along. She prodded me along in areas of ruchniyos, making me constatantly want to b better, and i owe her a tremendous amount for that. But now that its over, i feel like ive lost it all. Ive lost a partner in life hu wud help me grow in all areas of life, i lost my best friend in the whole world, some1 hu knows me thru and thru better than any1 else on the planet, some1 i can share anything wit and not b afraid of the reaction!! Wat am i goin to do now?? Weve been thru sooo much tog from all the good times to all the bad times, which were equally imp in helping us build our relationship, and now i just feel lost. I pleaded wit her for hours last nite explaining to her that shes making a really big mistake. In a situation where u have to trust ur heart vs ur brain u have to go wit the brain, cuz the brain isnt biased by any of these feelings rather it makes a clear cut decision if something is rite or wrong. In our situation we share so much and have built a relationship on very real things and that makes it very unique, and also gives me confidence that even tho her heart doesnt feel it fully now, wit engagement (which is the next level) those feelings WILL come.  But all this pleading fell on deaf ears, its almost as if she made up her mind already and nothing in the world cud change that, even if it made logical sense. So now here i am, missing a part of myself and not sure how im going to move on. I care so much about her and i really hope shell b happy, and its gonna drive me nuts that i wont b able to know wats goin wit her life. Shes a really special girl, and i im still davening that she change her mind, but if not whoever finds her will b 1 lucky man. I owe her a lot for the past 3 and a half months and i really cant thank her enough. I need a lot of chizuk to b able to move, and i hope hashem will help me wit this. As hard as this is to believe, somehow this is for my best and at this very moment were not meant to b. Theres always a possibility that down the line things will change and we can get bak tog, but if thats not meant to b than somehow i have to convince myself that were not meant to marry each other and i have to stay strong and try to pick myself up. Pls hashem give me the strength and siyata dishmaya for this.

I'm not going to try to cheer you up, time heals all wounds, but time takes time (how profound).
But it will not be productive for you to obsess about how to convince her that she's wrong. It's much more productive to continue your life. If Hashem wants this shidduch, then at some point she will decide she is for you.  THe best thing is to come out of this a better person and to retain all the growth you have attained through this relationship.

All the best.

I know this sound cruel but gam zeh yaavor. In a month you will look at this post and laugh.  May you find your zivug bkarov

Please see my post above.

It is true that the two of you might want to try again sometime down the line.  But, please don't put your life on hold because of that.  One girl who I was very interested in, but had broken off after a couple of dates, sent a message through the grapevine a couple of years later that she would be willing to go out with me again.  But, it was too late - I got engaged to my wife only days later.

When things are going very well, such as at a Simcha, we can let our emotions take over.  But, at times of difficulty, it helps to try to think rationally and not emotionally.  Take time to heal - following the tips that I suggested above.  May the healing come quickly, and may you find your Bashert very soon!

      I am in no position to understand the gravity of your situation .  However, I would like to emphasize a few certain points that you can perhaps draw some inspiration from.  If you read my own my posts and specifically this one you will understand what I mean when I say that I have to give you the ultimate thanks for my progress over the past 3 weeks.  It was this sentence 
Stayingfocused wrote on 14 Jan 2011 04:07:

that you wrote on this forum that gave me the advice needed.  Out of all the very helpful advice that I received on this matter, I chose to heed this one.  I have to announce that bli ayin hara I have not, for the very first time in my life, suffered from this problem for over a month.  Thank You! 
      Never before did I have the comfort going to bed each night knowing that I had extra Shmirah.  To be truthful I did not even remember that I had seen it on this forum.  It was only after you posted this afternoon did I decide to go back and read your original posts  so that perhaps I can glean something to give you some comforting words.  I did not expect to see this sentence once again when I went back to read your posts.  Thank you so very much.
      Perhaps it is was this conversation that you can point to and say; "Here was where the end of my relationship with her started to end."  Me,  what do I say?  "Thank you Stayingfocused for giving me the opportunity to begin my life anew, every single day." 
      My blessing to you is that one day you shall look back upon this point in your life, and view it with the same measure of blessing as I do.
                  Rising Up

I feel for you my friend.

But b"h you got out of bed and davened shacharis -good for you.

Just remember, that all the growth that you've experienced over the past three and a half months is yours -and it's for real.

On the other hand -even if she was a big part of that growth -you will have to accept the fact that if she is not your basherte, as much as she was part of your life, she is not anymore. Any thoughts of what could have/would have been are not reality. You have to be very careful with this, because by dwelling on these kind of thoughts you will chalilah be silly-putty in the YH's hands.

I know that this is abrupt and may sound coarse, but you can't let the healing hurt you more than the hurt itself.

When we have a sense of loss, the YH tries to use that to his advantage and convince us that we can fill the void his way.

But you -yes you -know better, you can fill the loss His way...

May Hashem give you the strength and wisdom to pull through this, as difficult as it is -He creates the nisayon, He can give you the strength to pull through.

You have my sympathy (even though this post might sound a bit callous),

E.ben Durdayah