hey everyone, long time no post for me but ive come to realize that its time that i become much more consistent. unfortunately just a few minutes ago i had a pretty bad fall, and i think a big part of it is cuz ive been too much to myself lately. in my last post i wrote how i had a terrible fall after being clean for more than a half a year, and i thought i wud easily b able to pick up the pieces and move forward putting the fall behind me and continue to stay strong. for the past 2 weeks since that fall it wasnt too hard since it was yom tov and there really wasnt too much time for it. and even today i was actually pretty busy wit other stuff and then suddenly i got caught up in the y'h trap and before i knew it i was finished. im still in a bit of a shock at how quickly it all went, but as ive come to learn that y'h is pretty good at wat he does and i gotta constantly b on guard ready for him cuz HE WILL COME!!! so once again i will pick myself and get bak on the horse and keep on fighting. iy'h i plan on being a bit more active here cuz i think thatll really help me get bak on track. thanx for listening

Stayingfocused wrote on 28 Apr 2011 20:00:


You're definitely on the right track!  Post post post.  Even if you don't have anything to say.  "Hi, I'm just posting today and I have nothing to say."  At least half the time, you realize there is something you do need to say.

--Eye.

Boy do I wish I posted earlier to reach out to u guys here. after I fell earlier today I felt the lust cool down and i wasn't pulled to act out again cuz I felt pretty down about the fall. Unfortunately though before goin to bed I got some retarded idea that I wanted to act out and I didn't have the drive to care and stop myself :-( I haven't had that feeling in a while, just acting out looking at p and m and not even caring. To b fair to myself today was a pretty emotional day. It was both my grandparents yartzheit and this happened not too long after we had a seuda at which I spoke and I was a bit of a wreck. This is def not an excuse and I'm not looking for any excuse, I'm more just spewing cuz I'm really disgusted wit myself rite now!! I have to stop using this garbage cuz its gonna ruin my life and I can't afford that. I have to get bak on track and Iyh wit hashems help I will, cuz without him I'm done for. Anyways I gotta get to sleep now its crazy late ( that's usually wat happens after looking at p, the time just flies by) gn to all ill b bak here tom iyh

Just wanted to add.
Posting is great for people who want to "stay focused". (pun was definitely intended!)
The question is: Stay focused on what?!
Obviously, we want to stay focused on why we need to be clean.
Also we need to focus on why we can't afford not to be clean.

But I really believe that with all that focus, we need a real solid plan on how we intend to make sure we remain clean. Without a plan of action, we can not defeat the YH in the trenches by staying focused alone.

Please review your plan. Make sure it can work. Make sure your filters are all functioning and in place. Make sure that when you do decide to post, and keep focused, you will have what to focus on.

And most importantly, don't think too much about what happened. Don't get too down about it. Just pick up the pieces and move on. With a plan.

Hatzlocha Raba!!!

Dear Stayingfocused,

Nice post, clear and open. If you are OK with a bit of another perspective, then read on - if not, at least don't mistake it for a personal attack of come kind:

You are full of yourself. So full of yourself that if you are truly 'stayingfocused' on anything, that thing is you, and only you.

This is not a way to recovery that I am familiar with. Natural, yes. Natural for me, you bet. But it does not work. Maybe it will lead you to madreigos, humility, and even some sobriety. But not for long. I believe most of us need above all other things, to learn how to take our eyes off of ourselves for a change once in a while, and actually make someone or something else our focus a bit.

And it has little to do with how good a guy you are or how much chessed you do for others. It's something else entirely and you know you have it when you do. It is a gift from Hashem to those who are open to it and are ready to ignore themselves a bit once in a while.

You may think you already do this. Nu. Maybe I am dead-wrong. It wouldn't be the first time!

But if I am right, then you need some help, brother. And so do I! One day at a time.

Keep on trucking!

I have not felt so down like I am now in a while. These past few days I acted out and I can't get myself up. Outwardly I seem to b doing ok but inside I'm depressed. There r a few "things" goin on in my life now and its left me in a daze, and wen I get lust attacks I have these feelings that I juts don't care to suppress. I know how dumb it is to give in and how ill feel after but it just doesn't seem to matter. I'm stuck in a rut and I needa get out and bak on my feet!  Reb yid, u said it pretty well, I rly have to review my recovery plan and strengthen many things cuz wat I have now is just not enough. I think that deep down I rly feel I have the ability to just turn it off, even tho just about every time I slip I end up fallin, and therefore if I do the things to keep me away thatll b enough. But that's a plan that isn't rly changing myself, its more of a band aid solution. If I'm rly serious about my recovery, which I'd like to believe I am, then I rly have to come up wit a better plan cuz apparently wat I have now just isn't working!  And dov thanx for the tough love, its always good to get  a wake up call. Like I said, I'm sure I've been deluding myself for the past few months thinking that wat I was doin was good since it working and I was clean for more than a half a year. But as is clear from this site being clean for extended periods of time doesn't prove anything!! The y"h was just waiting for the rite moment and he got me. again and again and again!!  To b honest tho I'm not fully clear on ur post. Wat do u suggest I do to change my focus off myself? Where do u c that I'm so fully focused on myself? I'm rly looking for answers and not just asking to bak myself up, I rly rly wanna change and b better! Life was so much better wen I was clean; I felt much happier and more content wen I was clean so pls perhaps u can elaborate a bit. Thanx 

Hey everyone, I'm Mb Alegria and im new to the forums. Good day and take care of yourself.

I really thought that I'd b much more consistent wit my posting, esp cuz I thought it wud help in my recovery, but unfortunately it hasn't been the case. Honestly, at first I was waiting for responses to my last post which was more than 2 weeks ago, but after a few days of not hearing anything I kinda lost touch wit it. The good news is that I got out of the rut I was stuck and I've been clean for the past 13 days. The bad news is that I rly haven't sat down and tried to figure out a much better plan for the future.  I know that if I'm serious about recovering this is something I have to do and not just talk about, but rite now I find myself in a very difficult place mentally and I'm having a hard time doing anything. In short, next year I'm going to graduate school outta town and the reality of being all alone in some random place coupled wit the fact that my single status doesn't seem to b changing anytime soon is making me feel kinda depressed. I've been getting thru the days just by waiting for them to b over; I just don't have any sense of fulfillment to my days. Don't get me wrong I'm bak in yeshiva and I'm learning shtark 3 sedarim a day, but I don't feel good bout anything. I don't feel very connected at the moment, and I'm sure its cuz I'm not doing anything to get that connection. But I just feel pretty down about everything that's going on lately (there was something else that I happened yest that rly put me down but due to earlier requests I won't talk about it), and cuz of that I don't feel like doing anything about it to change. Outside of seder I sleep or space out, not exactly a very happy exciting day, its more like I'm just trying to survive the day and get it over wit. I don't think its a way to live, but I'm not sure wat to do. I know that If I keep this up it will lead me bak to a path of lust which will make matters worse, but its not helping me. Either way just had to get this off my chest, I've been sitting wit these thoughts for a while, I hope to hear bak. 

The anonymous GYE 12-step phone conferences just began a new cycle yesterday.

Maybe that would be a good move for you to start moving in the right direction.

--Eye.

Stayingfocused wrote on 17 May 2011 04:28:


Not to imply that it is definitely the right thing for you to do, I just want to say that if someone is actually working the steps, this attitude is impossible. It may be natural for you and therefore what I am saying here may feel like sacrilege or as though I am putting you down for your 'choices' of how you feel - but I am not. I am saying that you simply do not know any better way yet - in your brain you may be aware that there is another way, but that is not the way it works, for many. The brain is a very weak organ when it is left on it's own. In fact, it's powerless and cannot move at all.

So, yeah, it comes down to action. And we see clearly that - by itself - learning shtark 3 sdarim a day is not the answer to a happy life and will still eventually lead one to resorting to lust again. Something in ourselves needs fixing, and nothing outside us - even hammering it with the Torah - can do it. Recovery is an inside job that starts with specific outside behaviors that change our insides. And they are not natural. And it is impossible for us to do them. This is not 'self-help', cuz we can't do it.

We need a real G-d for real, here.