I am prepared hot tea for my dear friend, halavey. Please visit soon before it turns cold. And being that you are a brittsiher, iced tea is like blasphemy.
I would like to continue in my quotes of SA, white book. I strongly encourage everyone to get it and read it. There is lots of great insight in the book. While I personally like to see my addiction as a porn/masturbation addiction and not a sex/lust addiction (which I hope to explain later on in my recovery process), the general guidelines of SA 12 steps still offer me great practical insight that I am able to implement my recovery process.
I began discussing above the concept of surrender, which as you may know is a hallmark in SA. It is a very confusing idea. I would like to share with you helpful ideas from the book itself, which gives directed guidance in dealing with porn/masturbation/lust/sex addiction (call it what want).
[quote="SA White Book Page 71]
We had it backwards; before, we always wanted the therapist, spouse, or God to do the stopping for us-to fix us. Now, we stop; and then, in our surrender, the power of God becomes effective in us. [/quote]
The first lesson in surrender is recognizing our power we Jews call, “bechira”. As stated above from page 26, “I didn't realize that the essence of being human is to have free choice”.G-d gave us the power to make decisions, choose right and act on it. Until now, we didn’t realize we had the power to do so. We believed (wanted to believe) that an external force would do it for us (be it G-d, a therapist, a spouse, etc). But we cannot recover until we recognize that our actions (can be) a result of our actions. (I write the phrase “can be” in parenthesis for a reason. There is a subtlety in those words, which I will explain another time). So where does G-d fit into this? After we show we are serious, G-d kicks in with the help. This is what the unwritten, torah shbaal peh of AA/SA, refers to as let go let G-d. First we need to do our part by “letting go” of our actions, and then and only then can we let G-d continue to carry us. But even at that point we do not expect G-d, to do the rest of the work for free. There must be a continued effort on our part. The big book refers to this idea in passing, and vaguely uses the words “let go let G-d”, but not that exact phrase. But the idea is that we are expected in doing our part of letting go first.
A friend of mine once asked me, “What am I supposed to let go of?” I answered him, “simple. You must let go of pornography and masturbation.” He continued to ask me, “How do I do that? I can’t help it” I answered, “Then you have not recognized the essence of surrender” As they tell us in SA, we figure it out on our own. He then asked me, “If it is that simple to let go, then why do I need all the 12 steps? Isn’t letting go recovery already?” I laugh inside and explain politely, “Sobriety is only the prerequisite to recovery. Understanding surrender will enable you to fully recovery, but it is not recovery. It gives you your first taste of freedom.”
I write about this from experience. I saw in my own journey how by first surrendering, G-d did truly kick with help. In terms of why I fell after close to a year, is a story on its own, and I will hopefully address that. But, the brain (y”h, call it what you like, it makes no difference) likes to focus on the negatives. If I focus on why I fell too much, it may get me depressed. So, for now I am focused on how I successfully grew last time. I can do it again, and I can do it better. Having a positive attitude is key for recovery.
