Hi,
I am new to this site.  I recently found your site and I hope this will lift me up into recovery once and for all.
I have been addicted since a young age.  And I am now in my mid 30's.  Who knows how many years that its. But it is a lot.  I recently went through a major success of close to one year, and fell suddenly. I cannot pick myself back up.  This has been one of the worst in my life. It always works that way after a fall. I guess it is because there are suppressed feelings and once you let loose, there is no holding back. Whatever. Who cares? The point is that I have proven to myself once again that I am truly an addict.  I have gone through the typical addictive pattern for so long now since  I can remember. Where I would hit some sort of rock bottom, feel lonely, depressed, attempt suicide, feel hope again, pick myself, work on myself like the 12 steps encourages, but only again to forget about it and fall back into things.  And the depression kicks in hard.  For the past month, I have been so depressed and know one would know it, except my wife who is around me enough to know I am not myself. As far as everyone that I interact with,  I put on a good show. 

I would like to share with you how this crept back into my life.  I have a filter, B"H, and my wife has the password.  I once opened up to her about my issues, and so she wants to help me.  However, I have a hard time telling her every time I have a relapse, because then she gets very down and it is not fair to her. It will only increase anxiety and stress in house.  A while back, I needed to see photos on one of these public photo galleries (I forgot which one), and asked her to lower the filter settings to allow media search.  I never dreamed that this will open up a whole new world to me.  The truth is in the back of my mind I did realize that this can be potentially dangerous, but being the fact that I had good intentions (and I really did) and the fact that I no longer was addicted to porn, there was no problem.  I did promise myself to put the filter back after I am done.  Ready for part II?

Part II:  Many months ago I get a link to watch a very nice video. I had always tried to be strict and not look at these things like u-tube, even for if R' Shtainman in is on u-tube, because I know it could lead to danger.  As time went on, I became more confident and started to watch short kosher clips, knowing that nothing can happen to me. Now this vdeo comes my way. I watched it and finished. And then on the side of the page, I noticed a word, just a word that reminded me of my old porn days.  My brain was triggered and on fire. I suddenly began doing a search for my good old favorites of porn.  I knew I shouldn't be doing, but my fingers had a mind of their own and they just typed and clicked away. My filter was blocking everything.  Later on, when I got home I ran to my wife's comp and got right to work.  (I know I know, we have put a filter on her computer).  That's it, I am hot-wired.  I lost all sanity and I fell down a downwards spiral. I then began using my comp and managed to break through the filter because after all, all I needed was access to media.  I fell quicker than I can climb. My ruchniyus dropped like lead in an ocean.  I began missing davening as I was glued to the screen.  I became depressed withdrawn, irritable, loss of sleep.  OY, I feel so bad.

Last night and today were terrible. I spent my day away from food glued to my screen.

But, B”H, the “healthy” guilt finally kicked in today and I felt rays of hope once again.  I asked my wife to increase the filter options again, so that I cannot access those sites.

My dear friends, I need you help. I am imprisoned.  I took one small step.  Please, I need to know my next step. I am thinking of seeking out a therapist to deal with all my issues and baggage of my life.

Thank you all for listening.
Destructive cycle, ready to self destruct

Let me be the first to welcome you.  I'm sure you'll get a more formal welcome from Guard shortly.  The first thing to know is that there is nothing unusal about your story.  Poke around a little on the site and you will find many similar stories.  So there's hope.  Second, consider yourself lucky that your wife is aware of the problem and wants to help you.  I have had a very hard time telling my wife and it places a huge burden on me.  Third, the depression, the guilt they are all the work of the Yetzer Hara to get you to try and fall deeper.  For one you should listen to an excellent shuir from Rabbi Reisman on this topic.  It helped me alot and I belive you will find it useful.  Here's the link (www.guardureyes.com/GUE/Music/mus/ShiurYesodos.mp3).  Fourth through Eighth read the handbook and the guides, sign-up for the daily chizuk emails, get yourself a partner, post and join the 90-day wall.  The ability to talk with others who are going through the same struggle is invaluable. 
Finally, your post is a little unclear whether you have joined a program like SA.  If you have not you definitely should.  I think you now realize that the passage of sobriety time does not in itself heal the disease.  And yes it is a disease.  Good luck and hatzlacha rabba on this first step.  Feel free to PM me if you need a listening ear.

Thanks for your warm and welcoming responses. It is so good to feel part of a special community like this.
and thanks ur-a-jew for the shiur, I hope t o get around to listening to the shiur. 

Dear DC,

I am the admin of this forum. Welcome to our community!

We get cries for help every day, by e-mail and on the forum. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama    And that is why we created the GYE handbooks (links below). If you read them well, from beginning to end, slowly, and try to implement what you read, you will find the answers within them to enable you to completely turn your life around. You're worth it.

I suggest installing accountability software on top of your filters. This will help not trying to bypass filters. Look into www.webchaver.org or eBlaster.

Also, join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day, and post away on this forum. You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

GuardYourEyes also offers various free anonymous phone conferences, where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See this page for four different options. Our conferences are taking place daily, throughout the week... This would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps - which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but joining the group will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

One of our goals on GYE is to help people "hit bottom while still on top" so they will take recovery seriously. To explain better what I mean, please see this page. If you're here, it means you're already taking serious steps in recovery, so keep up the good work!

Let me tell you a little about the two GuardYourEyes handbooks. The lay down the cornerstone of all our work at GuardYourEyes. Before the GYE handbook people would often get "lost" when coming to our website, not knowing what tips and techniques to try. For example, someone with a low level addiction wouldn't jump straight into therapy or 12-Step groups, while someone whose addiction was more advanced wouldn't be helped by the standard tips of "making fences", putting in filters etc... For the first time ever, this handbook details all the techniques and tools dealing with this addiction in progressive order. Now, anyone can read it through and see what steps they've tried already, and if those steps haven't worked, they can continue on through the handbook to the next tools, as the suggestions become progressively more "addiction-oriented".

We suggest printing out the handbooks and reading it them at least once. Then, we suggest going back and reading them again slowly on the computer, and this time pressing on the many links that are found in the different articles.

And the second handbook, called the "Attitude" handbook, can also help anyone, no matter what level of addiction they may have. Often people write in to us saying that had they only known the proper outlook & attitude that we try and share on the GuardYourEyes network when they were younger, they would have never fallen into an addiction in the first place! So we hope that through this handbook, many addictions will be prevented.

The handbooks are PDF files, set up as eBooks, and they have bookmarks and hyper-links in the Index, to make them easy to navigate.

Right click on the links below and select "Save Link/Target As" to download the handbooks to your computer.

1) The GuardYourEyes Handbook
This Handbook details 18 suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. For the first time, we can gauge our level of addiction and find the appropriate tools for our particular situation. And no matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

2) The GuardYourEyes Attitude
The Attitude Handbook details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth...

May Hashem be with you!

So, you made it here.  How did you get here?  Hashgacha Pratis.  Period.  I have lived a dreadful life, too.  Up, down, "I've got this licked at last", "Just this once, just for a glimpse", and endless self delusions.

And then the secret life.  You are immensely blessed to have such a wife.  Ayshet Chayil!  You don't have to hide from her.  Such segulah.  Mazel tov on such a wise choice.

I could not do it alone.  I'm only 31 days.  but the one thing that changed my life was coming out of isolation with my addiction.  Here I find daily chizuk (I highly recommend signing up for this), support, straight talk, comfort, and very very funny people to take the edge off the seriousness the yh would have us descend into until we're so depressed we start asking ourselves if it's worth any of this struggle at all.

I found that what I look for in the rush of the addiction when I'm acting it out is what I wish my relationship with H" felt like.  Lately my kavonoh has been out the window.  but thanks to help from Guard and 7-up I've been hanging in there.  If the Rebbe asked me to carry his briefcase, and he offered me a few dollars reward, I'd never take it.  Kal v'chomer Do I really need to have the reward to carry His ohl.  So I daven.  How I wish it could be with the joy and the high and the immersion of acting out.  But its not. 

And this is a key for me.  I have learned to live with a "No".  Being entitled and spoiled to have my way with the computer and ogling in the world, has, every single time, taken me to terrible places.  Sometimes for a little while, and sometimes catastrophically (I've been to jail for solicitation, and have suffered much shame and being discredited).

So welcome.  Baruch Habah.  Post, spill your heart out.  We read and respond.  I read your post and am inspired to speak more simply about my addiction, and thank you for that.

You need an ear, pm me.

Thank you Mr. Admin for that nice welcome. I will certainly take part of the various tools you guys have to offer. 

1daat,
Thank you for sharing.  I am sorry to hear about going to jail.  that must be rough.  I am amazed how you were able to move on.



That sounds very deep.  I am not sure how that works.  I wish I could say the same.  My rush for addiction is simply just that: an addiction.  I read that scientists say that this is the most powerful drug in history. And I am addicted to that drug.

I started a new program today over at candeocan.com/ . I will let you guys know how it goes.
Unfortunately, there are no easy fixes. And to break free requires hard work.  And I just don't seem to have the energy anymore. My recent relapse has paralyzed me.  I literally lost my mind.

On another note,
My wife made a comment to me last night that I have not been myself for the past month.  Boy, are these women perceptive.  She notices that I am always in a daze. I cannot seem to concentrate on anything she is saying. She claims that I have been mean and irritable to her. And she is right.  This addiction eats away at our insides. And all I could think about is getting my next fix of my drug. 

Oh and yes, I have already acted out since joining this site despite the fact that I was convinced "no more".  Like I said, I lost my mind. 

ok, enough for now. I am too numb to talk anymore...

Destructive cycle, ready to self destruct

Please someone give me advise.  I am swimming in porn.  My desire has not been this strong in so long.  I can't break free.  I tell myself no more, but I robotically keep going for more.  This morning I acted out with porn and phone sex for over two hours.  I knew what I was doing.  I just could not pull myself away.  OY, MY RISHUS. 

I do not understand myself. I am so confused.  Especially since I thought I was healed. I thought I was done. I was clean for close to a year with no major temptations to act out, and yet once the exposure was released, I was taken in by the monster, to whom I am powerless against. 

What should I do as my first major step out?  I know I just have to stop, but I can't seem to stop. I was told by the experts that this is not about will power, but about reprogramming the brain. And I believe that. I just do not know what to do as my first step in reprogramming my brain. 
Any advise would be helpful.

In the meantime, my life is going down the tubes.  I thought I had so much going for me.  I destroyed every meaningful thing in my life.  I am so glued to this monster, I have no power of concentration.  I have not learned properly in weeks.  I have been falling behind in work in a major way.  I am disconnected from my children and wife. My wife just looks at me and cries.  She knows I am depressed. She feels bad for me more than upset. She knows I am not myself, and I do not want to be this way, but it is very hard for her. I cannot tell her the truth. She will be crushed. She will lose her sanity. 

I am just mindlessly rambling. 

Destructive cycle, ready to self destruct

Dear G-d,

Please do not turn away before I speak. I know I have been an unfaithful servant and I do not deserve an ounce of attention. I know it says in your holy books that you block  my tefillas with your thick cloud.  And how can I, little me, expect to get greater attention that Yirmiyahu did, who called and  called, but no answer.  But, Hashem, it says in your holy books brought down by your faithful servant, Dovid Hamelech, that anyone that calls to you with sincerity, you will draw yourself near. Sincere I am.  And besides, as far as Yimriyahu, somehow your ignoring his calls strengthened his callings to you. But me, I am so weak.  I cannot handle it.  And I want that help. I need that help.  So, please G-d, look at my at what I am this second,  not what I did an hour ago; look at the sincerity of my call for help to you and please listen.  I need your help.

I am aware of the fact that you require us mortals to first work on ourselves and then and only then will you assist.  And so how can I, little me, expect any help from you. I barely put in any effort, I lack almost complete motivation.  I  have gone in the opposite direction for so long.  I do not show proper respect to your laws. I barely daven and learn your holy Torah. 

So, how can I be so audacious to cry for help? What right do I have?  I do not know. But I have no where else to turn.  And you have handed down a tradition to us through the great Rabbis that we should never rely on anything else in the world but you. And so I rely on you solely. And yes, I know I am not perfect in this area, but please please disregard those incidences and look only at that now. Please look at the fact that I rely only on you for this. 

And furthermore, I am here today b'toras chesed.  I ask of you a favor and not because I deserve it.  I have learned from your Holy Rabbis that you have given to us, that we should never daven for things because we deserve it, but always because of chesed. And so, my request is no different than any other request. 

Oh G-d, there is a stone on my heart. The stone that prevents me from feeling.  That stone that prevents me from moving.  You told us the yetzer hara is called a rock.  I feel no ruchniyus. I feel no pain. I feel no guilt or remorse anymore. I am so numb.  I lack motivation to move. The stone is heavy and I cannot move it.  But I know from your holy Torah, that the stone that covered the well, Yaakov Avinu was able to miraculously remove it and reveal the flowing water underneath. So please, in the zechus of Yaakov Avinu ,please allow me to remove the stone miraculously.  But the truth is, I have read in your Holy Books that in future times, YOU YOURSELF will remove the stone. And I understand, my Creator, that in the future times, the stone would be too heavy for man to remove it even with a nes. So please I beg of you to remove that stone. You have told us, through your holy Rabbis, that we are not to be blamed for our actions, because it is YOU who is preventing us from doing good by not removing the rock. And while I realize that this does not remove my responsibility, please recognize that I doing all that I can do at this time: daven a small prayer for help.   

So please remove the rock.  I can't take it anymore. I know that you gave me the rock to test my bechira. But the rock is now stronger than my bechira.  It is preventing me from acting on my real desires. It is not even allowing me to feel my true desires anymore. But underneath, you know, my desires to be close with you are strong. You know that my true bechira is do acts of ratzon hashem.  But my bechira has been hijacked. So, what purpose is there of the rock anymore. Please I cannot handle it any longer.  Please remove the rock. 

I will end my words by recognizing all the great acts of kindness you did for me. And in return, I gave you nothing.  You have taught us though the great Holy Rabbis that our subservience to you is rooted in hakaros Hatov for all the great acts of kindness.  While I recognize my shortcomings in being able to serve you properly, I do recognize the great chesed you do for me.  With you help, Hashem, I will take this to the next level and serve you to my fullest. 

Your servant and son,
destructive cycle, hopefully who will not self destruct

Welcome aboard.

Wow that tefilah was really powerful! I think You should print it and put it on your desk and keep on looking at it.

You are here and you will get through this but you need to get with the program.  Think to yourself- why don't you have a filter??? Download it now, once and for all.  I know and you know we feel very bad after the act is over. But if you wait aroud a few hours the guilt feeling will disappear. Dont wait get active NOW!  You know you need help you want help- you will be helped but start now!

I am once again moved by your honesty and your connection to Hashem. You have a real feeling to hashem and unfortunately its covered often by this crazy drive. As soon as you act out and the drive is gone you see the beauty of your soul shining. Hold on to that feeling you are feeling now and make a real change now.

PM me if you want to talk.  I am around.

Your Brother, David

Thank you david. It is so encouraging to see people that care.  As stated above, I have a filter, and recently had my wife increase the settings.  But, unfortunately, we never installed a filter on my wife's computer, and recently out of desperation for my drugs, I used her computer when she was away to act out.  Of course, my next move will be to install a filter on her computer.  I am just a bit apprehensive bringing it up, because she may put two and two together.  She knows I am depressed and when I ask her about installing a filter, she may get suspicious and realize I had a relapse.  Her sanity is more important than mine. 



Thank you! That was beautiful. I will make a real change now. 

Thank you everyone for reading and giving me hope.  yesterday I shared with you all a prayer to G-d to release me from my addiction.  For those that missed it, scroll up and you will see it.  B"H, the past day has been pretty good and have been asking Hashem for help. I know that I have to put in hishtadlus as well and have not make to think that HE will stop me from acting out. But we are allowed to daven for Hashem to remove the lust from our hearts. 

Today I would like to share with my readers  poem to express my emotions.
Stay tuned...

Over my head darkness begins to hover
My thoughts become obsessed with my secret lover
I retreat to isolation in order to cover
They will not see my actions and discover

The sense of reason begins to sing its song
But the impulses and urges are way too strong
Disillusioned and trapped to do what is wrong
For the compulsive nature persists for so long

The sense of reason raises its voice
To remind me again that I have a choice
The remorse after will be expressed with an oysh
But if I succeed then I will surely rejioce

To the allegiance of lust I have secrectry sworn
But not to reveal my activities of porn
Externally, though, like a frumma I adorn
Between these two worlds I am severely torn

I enagage and indulge to fill the void
All that I accomplished is now destoroyed
With the idea to give up I have sincerely toyed
But only throgh perseverance I will be joyed

Hashem Hashem, please see my pain
remove the lust and unlock the chain
Return my heart to again be sane
On your track I hope forever to remain

GevaldiGggggggg!!!

Keep on truckin!!

B

bardichev ,

Thank you for stopping in here to keep me company.
What does  Keep on truckin!! mean? I heard many AA slogans in my travels, but this is a new one to me.

Thanks,
destructive

Keep on trucking

Is the attitude

Of balance

And optimism

If you fall

You say fell shmell pick urself up and keep on truckin

If you have a clean day or week or even a full 90.

Don't get heady or overconfident

Just truck along as if it were day number one

Now!!

Keep on truckin!!!

Bards