destructive cycle,

your taking the next right step. Yasher Koach!!!

Just reading your poetry tells me your on a good track, bumpy as it may be.  I know when I'm in the low of the lows I wouldn't even be able to sit still for 2 minutes to put pen to paper like that.

Destructive,

You are a very emotional guy. It comes with ups however it makes the fall feel devastating. 

Focus on the positive and let your emotions take you to great places.

You poem is beautiful.  You should make a folder of your writings and when u feel week take a peek.


D,

very teef

u will make it resolve to stay here!!!

b

david712 and Jooboy,
Thank you for reading my poem and my prayer and responding by giving me chizuk.
If anyone missed it, go to  page one and scroll down.

Bards,
Thanks for that new slogan.  My issue is this.  I had a major success of sobriety close to a year. I then suddenly fell, as described in my first post.  I think I tried to just "keep on truckin", "and fell shmell", like you suggest.  But it kept coming back.  The issue was not my guilt as much as a real addiction that was in hibernation and suppressed for a year.  And now that it attacked I cannot get rid of it again.  I keep saying today will be number one, and hope for tomorrow to be day 2, and guess what? The next day is also day number one.  This was how it was for the past month or so since my relapse.

Well, B"H, today competes day #2.  I feel strong impulses inside me already.  I know I can't fight them and I can't give in to them either.  They say to surrender to G-d.  My question is what are we supposed to do on long term basis to remove the "wires" in the brain? Also, what should I be doing a day to day basis to deal with my addiction.  I tried 12 steps in the past, which was great, but now I am bored of it and need something new.  Unfortunately, I was severely addicted, and I need major help.

Thanks all for listening.

Destructive Cycle, I think I am gonna make it without self-destruct

An addiction is like an allergy. You may have been clean from "peanuts" for a year, but as soon as you taste peanuts again, the allergy kicks in and your face blows up and you can't breath, etc...  You have an addiction. And I strongly suggest reading the entire GYE HANDBOOK to find the tools that work for addictions, instead of continuing this destructive cycle of acting out, praying, thinking you are a "rasha", trying to do Teshuvah, and falling again... We all know this cycle. You are not "bad" trying to get "good", you are "sick" trying to get "well".

Read the handbook.

Thank you Mr. Admin for stopping in here.
Unfortunately, I know all too well this idea that you guys call an "allergy".  My first post on the site was about that.  You can view it by clicking this link. 

I stated reading the handbooks. Thanks. 

I know that I am sick.  In fact I am very sick.  But this leads to major self esteem issues, depression, lack of motivation, loss of purpose in life.  This eats me at the core.  Yes, partially because my Jewish obligation. But right now that is my big picture issue right now.  I have thoughts that haunt me day and night.  I am in high stress and anxiety problems.  It is very difficult to feel good about oneself after a major relapse and fall after fall after fall.  I am so distant from society. And this was all a matter of weeks where I spiraled down like crazy.  Most of my day I feel like doing nothing else but indulging in porn and phone sex.  I don't feel like a human being anymore. I have become so unproductive.  Like i mentioned above, there is a heavy rock sitting on my heart that is paralyzing me.  And my wife is worried. 

I will continue to read the handbooks. 

Thanks for caring.

Good morning to all my Israeli chevra. And to my American chevra, I hope you are shluffing nicely.

Today is my third clean day. I am just at the start of the day. Wish me hatzlacha in remaining clean.

There is slogan in AA that I learned in 12 steps called "One Day at a Time".  I am sure the chevra here heard about it. It just means to not always focus on the big picture of recovery (at least in the initial stages of recovery) and just focus on today as your goal.  Firstly, this means in terms of sobriety. I am going to remain clean today.  That does not mean that I have in my head that tomorrow I won;t be clean. In fact, if you try to tell yourself just today stay clean, well then, at least for me, We tend to fall right back into tomorrow. And that is what happened to me over and over again.    Rather, we don;t focus at all on tomorrow. We will focus on tomorrow, tomorrow.  Tomorrow has its set of goals, which happen to be the same as today.  This takes the heavy weight off. 

Another application of "One Day at a Time" is terms of accomplishments. It is important in recovery to not only focus on what we Jews call "sur merah", staying away from negative behavior, but we need to implement "Aseh Tov".  Practically, we can;t make our only goal day to day simply to remain sober. There needs to be goals outside of that that will enable a big picture recovery.  For some that would be to read through the big book, a fine read for anyone trying to recovery.  Or, you can find tons of books on porn addiction out in the bookstores and amazon. I just started reading the Guardyoiureyes handbooks. Also a good choice.  Thank you guardyoureyes for this simple and organized material. I also started a new program for myself over candeocan.com. They have a great program. It is based on science. They see this addiction as a biochemical issue.  It gives me great insight into my own behavior.  This takes the edge of self confusion and can boost self esteem.  With "One day at a time" we make each day a new goal in terms of what we accomplish in this reading.

OK, so today is day number 3.  Please Hashem, help me through this day.  I take upon myself that whenever I feel weak today, I will turn to this site and forum as my saving grace.  Thanks for creating this safe haven.  I also take upon myself not to open wife's computer at least for today. 

"One Day at a Time"

destructive cycle, seeing the wheels of destruction begin to slow down

Hello all,

So far, Day #3 is going well.  I easily could have given in to the sexual and lustful impulses for porn, masturbation and phone sex.  I had all the opportunity in the world.  I am resolved to break free.  I try not to let the thought that I failed in the past, bog me down.  Bottom line is that I was free for close to a year, and I need to look at mu success as my potential for eternity, not as proof that if it didn't work the first time, it won;t work again.  The problem was that I just never took things to the next level.  And I hope to get that plateau again and begin searching for the next peek. Because as long as we are living, there is always more climbing to do.

I have been reading through the SA white book. I have skimmed it in the past, and this time I am going through it more carefully.  There is lots of great insight in the book, which I hope t share with my readership.

Allow me to quote a bit:

[quote="SA white book, page 8]
Like alcoholics, we can be "dry" without being sober in a deeper sense. We don't even claim that sexual sobriety will make one feel better immediately. We, like other addicts, can go through withdrawal symptoms when we give up our "drug." Nonetheless, in spite of the questions, struggles, and confusion that we have gone through, we find that sexual sobriety is truly "the key to a happy and joyous freedom we could otherwise never know."[/quote]
Herein lyes the secret to my success the first time, last year, and I hope this attitude will once again jolt me into full recovery. The idea is simple.  There are fantasies we all expect from sobriety.  We tend to think that all the problems of our lives stem from our addiction; be it depression, lack of concentration, irritability, finance issues, social issues, etc... You name it.  Firstly, we should realize that it is probably the above that fueled the addiction.  So removing the addiction will not remove those things.  And it is true that addiction was probably a catalyst for the above, but once it there, it doesn't go away from the removal of addiction.  But...an honest look at things will tell us that having the addiction will make it much harder to deal with the above.  And once we remove the addiction, then and only have we begun to pave the path to work on those issues. But it will come with hard work.

More to come. In a bit

[quote="SA white book, page 26]
I see now that in all my religious striving and psychotherapy I was waiting for the miracle to happen first, that I should somehow be zapped or "fixed," unable ever to fall or be tempted again. I thought that if a person just had the right religious belief, he was automatically "a new creature; old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new." That all thought of lust would be removed, much as a tumor would be excised by a surgeon. The "religious solution" was one of the subtlest strategies in my arsenal of denial.

I didn't realize that the essence of being human is to have free choice. God doesn't want to remove from me the possibility of falling; he wants me to have the freedom to choose not to fall. I'd been praying self-righteously all along, "Please God, take it away!" not realizing my inner heart was piteously whining, ". . . so I won't have to give it up." There was belief in God without surrender. That belief availed nothing! I had never died to lust.[/quote]
This was another driving principle for my sobriety.  The quote speaks for itself.  I know for myself that I was looking for that magical moment.  We will daven enough and it will gone. But it only goes away when WE DECIDE to make it go away. This means that we make a conscious  to STOP LOOKING AT PORN. We have to believe that it is possible. And like the quote says, we won;t die.  Hashem does not simply remove it from us.  If you look at my prayer above, you will see me struggling with this principle. I know it to be true.  I know that surrendering to Hashem does not mean to allow Hashem to remove my lust, but for me to decide to do his will and decide on my own to stop looking for porn.  The fascinating thing is that Chovos Halevavos in Shaar Habitachon discusses this principle.  He discusses how people put bitachon in Hashem to help them decide to do mitzvos. And it does not work that way. The decision must come from within.  However, the strength will ultimately come from G-d. So we need to daven for that strength.

OK, enough for now. 

Please, my dear friends, wish me hatzlacha in continued growth.  The journey is still young. I am still close to start line and I never want to trick myself into thinking I am free.  One step at a time, One day at a time. And we will all get there. 

Beginning My fourth day of sobriety.

I hereby Reaffirm my strong commitment to remain clean for today (and for the rest of my life, but we need to focus one day at a time, at least at the start of the journey).  It makes no difference what challenges come my way, Porn is never the answer. It offers me nothing but death. Death in this world and death in the next world.  It makes no differences what impulses and urges I get. I must remain clean. 

But, on top of that, I must continue to grow one day at a time.  I will continue to read SA literature. 

I do not have much time to write, I need to run. But here are a few quotes from SA white book.

[quote="SA White Book, page 3]
The sexaholic has taken himself or herself out of the whole context of what is right or wrong. He or she has lost control, no longer has the power of choice, and is not free to stop.[/quote]
This for me, defined perfectly my problem.  It is plain and simple: A lack of self control. And at its base, that is what addiction is.  I know this sounds so simplistic, but for me to define my problem in this simplistic way is what I need to break free.  It helps put a definition of "the sickness".  Later on in the white book, the author goes in depth in defining lust and TRULY understanding the behind-the-scenes of our problem. I am having a very difficult understanding those chapters. I hope after I absorb it, to write a bit about it.

[quote="SA White Book, page 18]
What I needed was not more knowledge about my psychology or God, but power to stop what I was powerless over and obey the little light I already had.
[/quote]
And here defines the goal: The get (back) my power back. I know what is right and what is wrong. And for many reasons (including religious, social, work ethics, sanity, etc...You name it) this is wrong.  But, the knowledge of right and wrong is not what we need. However, a good friendly reminder to ourselves on a daily basis is important, because it is our MOTIVATION to break free. But the tools to break free is something else. Our goal is get our power back, and "obey the little light I already had".

That is all for now.  I wish you all a wonderful day. I hope to return in the next few hours.

Oh, and by the way, feel free to comment.

DC,

Know this:

Despite your troubles and your pain
You are here and CAN refrain
from all the shmutz and ghastly stain
and then you will be clean again

Like us , you've had a troubled life
the shame can cut just like a knife
but for freedom from this strife
look no further than your wife!

Turn your focus to her - see
thats the greatest way to be
she'll help you from the drek to flee
I pray that this will work for me!

For G-d has put us in this place
to learn precisely not to chase
those empty images with no face
and save us from complete disgrace

The salvation - here is close at hand
give and take with our merry band
use the forum to expand
on feelings that you cannot stand

we in turn, we do our bit
try to lift you with our wit
but mostly encourage you not to sit
and wallow in a ghastly pit

We are all in this with you
each and every saintly Jew
lest we forget where we're going to
Moshiach's coming soon - Phew

some may say my rhyme is cool
but between the lines - there is no fool
as one who will ignore this rule:
"watch out the Y"H wants to make you fall"

DC, I think you're a real gem
we could be 2 thorns from a single stem
so my words - if you appreciate them
why not send me a short PM?

Halavey,

Thanks so much. That poem was beautiful. I read it three times. Please visit again.  I will prepare some tea for you next time.
Did you get a chance to read my poem, it is on page 1 of this thread.  Scroll back and read it.

-DC

DC, Shalom uvracha.  You just went from unmanageable, chaotic, and helplessness to 3, maybe by now 4, Bezras "H, days clean.  This is a gigantic step.  Listen to bard, "fell shmell". You picked yourself and did the nearly impossible.  Do you think your prayers go unheard, unanswered?  Mazel Tov.

If you look around, you'll see plenty of stories about guys struggling with the issue of whether or not to tell their wives.  If I can find one, I send it to you.  You might think about going over to the "Breaking Free" forum and starting a thread asking guys to post about telling or not telling their wives.

Filter.  Period.  You could tell your wife you're feeling urges (which is true), and want to protect yourself from the yetzer.

Ask some guys for their phone numbers.  They'll pm you with it.  Your getting clean matters to all of us, to "H, and to all klal Yisroel.  Getting out of isolation is critical.  You will find that we're all in the same boat.  Posting to your thread helps us too.

You and Halaivi76 are peas in a pod.  Haleivi's a powerful man.  From the last stanza of his poem, he sends to you an amazing invitation.  Take it.

At the end of the day, as you well know, it's you and "H and people who care about you.  I have found it very helpful to follow Rebbe Nachman's urging to spend time alone, outside of davening, to just sit and talk to "H.  Quietly have a good talk.  7up, the "mother" of this site suggested having such conversations frequently during the day.  It has become important to me.  Maybe it will be helpful to you too.

So, as the bard says, "keep on truckin".  "fell shmell".  day one...fellshmell.  today do something from the handbook.  post.  day one again.  fell shmell.  do something today from the handbook. post....day one again.  fell shmell.  do something from the handbook  post. ....day one...day two AHAA!! mazeltov.  and Yshcoiach because we all rejoice at your victory. ...day three. Hoo Hah.  don't think about tomorrow.  Just keep the blinders on and finish today.  You Gadol!  Do something from the handbook.  post.

Hi again.  I found a thread about the telling your wife issue.  Go to the Breaking free forum.  there's a thread there, "Is it necessary to tell our wives". 

1daat,
Thanks so much for your post.  I will address your helpful points one at a time.
Wife: In SA, they suggest not telling ones spouse at the initial stages of recovery.  They say it is detrimental to recovery.  As I mentioned, my wife knows I used to be an addict.  It was a very painful experience for her.  I do not see any advantage right now of telling her about my relapse.  It will derail my sobriety and recovery process. Currently, there is lots of junk filled in me that needs to get cleaned out.  This is what SA 12 steps is all about - clean house.  I need to focus on my sobriety and recovery as it affects me, and at the same time try to maintain a very calm atmosphere at home.  As it is, things have been very difficult as my wife knows I have been going through depression and anxiety.  I have ADHD which contributes greatly to the general picture and has always been a piece in the puzzle of my addiction.  I did open up to my wife about some of the crazy things that go on in my head, regarding my incapability of dealing with frustration.  She knows that sexuality is amongst the most difficult things for me, as well. At this point she does not need to know about the relapse.  She finally said to me yesterday that she sees that I need a therapist/psychologist to help me deal with my issues and she is willing to help me find the right person.

Filters, filters. Yes, I know I have to encourage my wife to install the filters. I can't be impulsive about it. Feel free to kindly remind me to install one on my wife's comp. As far as my computer goes, B"H, I am completely protected. 

I PM'ed Halevy. Did not hear back from him yet. 

Thanks for your advice from Rav Nachman.  This is very important, but in the long run this will not remove you from your addiction.  At least for me, my addiction is rooted in detrimental behavior patterns programmed in the psyche in the brain.  We can fool ourselves that we are recovering by being "close to G-d" and in the end we are still sick addicts.  So while I think this is a great thing to do anyway, in the scheme of the addiction, this is not where the recovery rests.     

Thanks for the encouragement about fell shmell.  B"H, I am up to five days nows.  I had mentioned in the prev posts, that prior to my relapse, over a month ago, I had close to one year clean.  The relapse brought devastation to me and since that point, this is is the longest I have gone. B"H, I am feeling my old muscles of "surrender" come back to me. "surrender" is an SA/AA term. It means the capability of exercising control over the powerful addiction to whom you are powerless. It is a very strange notion.  But basically, as the book describes and as I have been taught it recognizing the true bechira within us. Recognizing we have a choice. Sex is a choice. Porn is a choice.  We will not die if we do not have porn.  It is not about the struggle. We do not struggle with it anymore, we just surrender it.  We kindly refuse the offer, as I like to say.  SA encourages calling a sponsor, which I have none now. But I should get one.  Anyway, I hope in the coming days to elaborate more on the SA white book as I have been  doing, and soon I will get into the steps themselves.  IT is a very insightful book.

Once again, thanks for stopping in here and keeping me company.

Destructive Cycle, the cycle is almost to a halt