Inspiring story!  Thank you for sharing it.  Now your efforts to overcome the YH is leveraged by dozens who read it - and I am grateful to be one of them.

BD

That is awesome, I'm really glad to hear it!

So, here I am in the midst of my third week since joining this site and being clean and I feel like I am beginning my usual cycle --- clean for a while, slip ups, fall, regret....... around and around we go. Recently, my davening hasn't been as strong. I feel that I just don't have the passion that I had to break this addiction. I feel a bit lost as to where to proceed. I feel that I constantly playing Defense against the addiction but I know I need to be playing some better offense. I keep on reminding myself to take it one day at a time. But I am still scared, like walking on egg shells. Oyyy

Another idea: I realized tonight that success in dating has a lot in common with recovery. For instance, I find that elements such as patience, dedication, giving and taking things slowly are key for developing relationships. Now that I think about it I guess even building our relationship with Hashem shares all of these elements as well. I think part of my struggles with dating is that I think things should click right away and there should be no bumps along the way. I lack the patience needed and the attitude that I just want to get to know the person better, day by day. And then just to see where Hashem takes it. I love Hashem. 

Good insight...

I agree with your second-to-last post, by the way. You definitely need to plan ahead, figure out what you'll do when the urge strikes. And do things to make sure that you're living life!

Ok, so today I was in mid town and I don't know how it is possible to gye there!. Every woman walking down the street is another nisayon. Seriously, it's almost impossible. Help. Thank G-d I have glasses so I can take them off, but seriously I almost went down today. I made it out alive and breathing but sheesh i'm exhausted.

I understand what you mean, chaver, having been there a bunch of times in the past few weeks. But even so, there is a fine line between failing at watching your eyes vs. running after it.  If I do what I consider "poorly" one day in the GYE category, I can make calls to admit that, regain at least some humility and sanity, and let the garbage slide off my back so that it does not build up, c"v.
If I don't do that, then the only alternative is for me to hold onto it and guard the memories! Letting it go is much smarter.

Something else, too - you feel exhausted, but picture yourself at the end of a great workout, or a long jog. You're exhausted, but also happy, because you know you've accomplished something.

Now, before Dov has an apoplectic fit,  I'm not saying that we should try to fight - we're powerless, and as such, our goal is to avoid fights. However, there will be times when we get into fights, and there's a struggle to get away (like taking off glasses). And passing those tests, winning those fights, is very important, because it gives us the space, the clarity, that we need to keep growing.

Ouch! Who put that spoon in my mouth?!

Well, the fit is over, thank goodness.

OK, no arguments at all - I fight many times, too. It's just that I refuse to believe that I had the power to succeed and made it happen. Instead, I really try to give all the credit to Hashem when I succeeded. Am I an idiot? Maybe. But Iv'e been an idiot long enough for lust, I figure it's my turn to be a moron for sobriety now.

For the past week, I have been feeling a bit down. Some stressful things in my life are going on and that leads me down a path of negativity, pessimism etc... Ironically, my struggles in shmiras machshava/einayim this week has been insanely challenging. I feel like any second I will turn on the TV and then... Why does these addictive feelings arise davka when I am feeling down or stressed? I just feel so guilty afterwards and nothing good comes from acting out ?

truth11 wrote on 13 May 2010 14:49:


Because these feelings are the root cause of the addiction. We cant figure out a way to deal with our stresses so this is the only way our bodies and minds know how to actually deal with it. The main goal in recovery is teaching your mind and body that you dont need to watch shmutz in order to relieve stress. Teach them to do other things. Excersizing is a big one.

Hatzlocha!

-Yiddle

Consider that you are acclimating your mind to better coping mechanisms than turning to negative images. It may be that you are facing the fiercest battles now because your mind wants to relax into a bad habit again. Isn't this the best time to hang tough? Consider that you are breaking new ground and, though the going won't be easy, you will be continually rewarded with a healthier mind (the gift that keeps on giving). Keep your head up. Everyone is rooting for ya!

Unfortunately, today I fell hard. First time this has happened since I joined this site and started posting. I feel like garbage, feel worthless, incredibly disappointed at myself...but reluctantly ready to start again. I don't know how I am going to do this. I was at 35 days!!!

Today I was very stressed, feeling depressed and then I started getting those good ole' feelings and then bam I was done. Rest of the day was finished. 

I know there's something that goes on in my head when I start feeling depressed, Its like I NEED this. Its weird. Its annoying. It's me.

truth11 wrote on 14 May 2010 05:16:

Gee, is there even one guy on this forum who can't relate? That must mean you're normal. Okay, no, that must mean you're normal within the group of guys who made it here. But whatever the case, you must already know that you're not alone in this.

So, you're looking for some comforting words? All I can try is to point out that you're battling something biophysical and not "just" emotional. The adrenaline rush of sexual pleasure is an effective treatment for depression, for anxiety, for lots of other human conditions and emotions. When the body gets accustomed to having that around, the body will start screaming for more. And when the depressive thoughts get stronger, the screaming gets stronger. That's not your body doing something "bad," it's your body doing something very, very smart -- crying out for the medicine that healed things up (for a NY-minute, never longer) in the past.

While your brain synapses are rewiring, and your body is adjusting to this new reality, you're going to go nuts. No surprise. Maybe helping it to find substitute treatments (jogging, volunteering, learning, posting here, whatever) will help speed things along, but it's not gonna cheat your body out of wanting what worked in the past.

And besides, doesn't it feel like an amazing accomplishment to do this for ove a month? Or put another way, at this pace you'd be acting out like, 10 times per YEAR. I bet that without these efforts you'd be in a different count per year.  Celebrate; recharge; re-start; go.

A share to Briut and Truth11:
Happy Rosh Chodesh and Good Shabbos (oyoyoy)!

We count days in s'firah because we are waiting. Waiting for kabolas haTorah. The excitement is supposed to build up a bit, no? "We made it!"

I believe that there are many of us who are not working a Program, but are just trying really, really hard to control themselves. They are certainly good people - probably far gooder than I, and I mean that seriously.  Nevertheless, to me they are sitting ducks, period. But what I am going to say even applies to those of us who are working a Program.

Counting the days we are clean can be wonderful for some, but I hope you realize that it can also be - deep within our hearts - a counting of how long we can actually tolerate the (inevitable) buildup until the next time we act out. I believe this is very frequent. It is exactly like climbing up a ladder. I am afraid of heights. If I look back down as I am climbing, once I get to an impossibly high height, my hands and feet begin to shake. I know that I would fall....so I never climb that high! How high do you want to climb in sobriety? If you are looking back you will not get very high. We all know that being sober 5 years in a row is just plain impossible...for each of us, the last barrier is the "impossible height". Sure it's BS, but our feelings do not care about sechel very much. It's our Reality - why pit ourselves against so powerful an adversary?

Instead, my experience in sobriety is like that of a guy walking across an abyss on a 2x8. Now, I have no trouble at all balancing on a 2x8 if I see it's on the floor! But if I see that it is suspended between two high buildings I will certainly panic, lose my balance, fall, and die. Looking down is just plain ossur. So I don't. And I do not count.

It's a good thing I am not a posek around s'firah-time!