Since I am a newcomer on this site, (but certainly not with these struggles) I figured that I should introduce myself. Too make a long story short, It’s only very recently that I realized that I was trapped and enslaved to some of my desires. When I finally came to this point, I looked back in retrospect and realized that for the past four years or so, my life has been leading this circle of  acting out, guilt, regret, swear I will never even think about doing it again, then falling again and round and around we go. For some reason, I could go a few weeks clean but then out of nowhere I would suddenly become overwhelmed and the clean streak ends. For so long I figured I needed some more mussar or more effort in my avodas Hashem. For so long I tried so many different tactics in order to cut it out, but somehow down the line my mood would get down and back to the ol’ habits. Having these drives and seemingly uncontrollable and demanding needs put me in the worst mental states. I found myself depressed and anxious which just made everything worse. A few weeks ago, I told myself that “I want out of this” – I just can’t handle going through this all the time and I need to get help. Ironically, just saying that to myself, giving up in my own mind helped me out a lot as I felt relieved. Almost for the first time in so long I was being honest to someone, ended up being myself. For the past two weeks I have been doing a lot of reading with the handbooks, forum threads, 90 day charts etc… And I honestly feel better just by being able to associate with people who understand and who have gone through similar challenges. I am trying to take things day to day but I am desperately seeking advice on how to proceed slowly but diligently. I have been trying to take the chizuk e-mails seriously and am trying to make connections here to discuss things with people on this site. I still feel as if any day now I will feel overwhelmed and then I will act out, but I know I can’t think that way. I’m trying to “surrender” and let go but it’s tough. Anyways, just wanted to get out there and say hey. 

Well, HEY!

Looks like you found a good place to start a thread for yourself .
And, yeah, man! This is tough! And you can do it!

Keep Up The Good Work you're doing.
KUTGW!!

Sturggle

I guess there's no need to give you the standard welcoming post, since you seem to know all about the handbooks, chizuk e-mails and 90 day chart  :D

I assume you have a good filter? It will be almost impossible to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away. See this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best - and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"... See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information...

We all know that feeling of being "overwhelmed" with lust. At such times, we need to have people to reach out to. Sometimes this forum is enough, but in tougher times, live people to speak with on the phone is a great help. I suggest you join Duvid Chaim's phone conference now, because they JUST STARTED yesterday to work the 12 steps. Duvid Chaim sent a special worksheet to everyone, to help them. Call in tomorrow. Here's the info. Duvid Chaim set up a "group roster" where everyone shares their phone numbers with each other. You have like 26 guys on it. If you join up, you'll have a great resource of guys to call when feeling weak!

Anyway, you've come to the right place. Welcome home and POST AWAY!

Welcome - glad to have you here!

Most of us here can relate to that feeling of wanting to stop and not being able to. I know for myself that before I came here, I never would have believed that I could truly be clean. The amazing people here showed me what I was capable of.

Posting is great - it connects you with other people, lets you know that you're not alone, and gives you an opportunity to share your thoughts. I know that it helped a LOT for me. You can read some of my thread, if you'd like (click on the link under this post).

As far as your feeling that you'll be overwhelmed any day, that's where "one day at a time" comes in to play. The idea is NOT that you're pushing things off till tomorrow, it's just that tomorrow isn't your problem right now. You're deal with tomorrow when it comes. Right now, you're dealing with today - and today, you can stay clean.

This was especially important to me, as a single guy - I had no idea when I would get married, and that was the hardest thing - who knows when I'll ever have a kosher outlet, or be able to connect with someone on that deep a level? It could be years - there's no way I can stay clean that long?

And if I let myself think like that, I'd definitely fall. Instead, I reminded myself that it's just one day at a time. Otherwise, I have to deal with all the nisyonos of the next five years, in every possible stressful situation, all right now!

Again, welcome, it's always inspirational to see the amazing people that come here to grow.

Dear truth11,

Your post above was such a pleasure to read, it's hard to describe. Please consider taking it slow and taking it easy. As you said, we probably cannot even afford to give those natural worries about falling in the future the time of day. In fact, I'd be just fine living another 50 years with the daily guarantee that "I'll fall tomorrow"  ...as long as it's always today, I'd have nothing to be afraid of! And I'm serious. As far as I am concerned, it's only about living right today, and it's Hashem's business to make tomorrow work out just fine. At least for Him that makes sense, cuz for Him it's already tomorrow! Ahhhhh!!!!! (oy vei)

You are a very fortunate man.

Something I was thinking about today. If someone asked me in the past - hey do you want an addicition to this stuff??? Of course I would say - what the heck are you talking about. Now that I've finally realized that for whatever reasons I have these issues, of course I'm not happy that I have them, but what a zchus that I have now to work on myself. Even in the past few weeks I am beginning to notice some things in my personality that need to be fixed to fill the "void" that I only now realize. I'm totally fine now with just thinking when I walk outside about myself and the opportunies I have every day to build myself up. I saw in a chizuk e-mail last week that when we are climbing up a mountain we get tired - but that's because we're climbing up!.

In any event, please continue to share thoughts and advice. I take the subway in the city every day and it's soo hard not to let the eyes wander around. I try taking a sefer around with me, but let's just say - thank G-d I need glasses, b/c I usually just take them off, but other times I get lazy. Oy tough.
Truth

You asked for thoughts, so here goes:

You are in the subway and having a hard time with the eyes. I understand - was on the subway in NY a bunch a week ago and had the same problem. One essential thing for me to remember is this: Thank G-d the problem on the subway (or anywhere) is not really the stuff that's there to see. It's lust. My lust.

Now, as all of us know, seeing schmutz isn't good for us, and intentionally looking at pritzus will trigger a powerful lust reaction in us - but if we are not doing what we need to to be free of lust and attached to reality (Hashem's Will for us), then even women who are dressed b'tziyus will be an insurmountable problem for us and lead to rotting on the inside and eventually lead us right back to the porn and masturbation.

[This part is not an attack, just rhetorical:]

What do you really want? To "just be able to get to work and back without going crazy"...is that all? Is that really the only thing that needs to go for your life to be manageable? Surely that attitude is why we always stayed in that nasty loop of "falling" for years...we kept reacting to the immediate issue so we'd never have to admit that we had a broad, basic problem that requires broad, basic change.

So, if a guy here says that custody of his eyes doesn't matter to him, I'd say he's a fool. But I pity the cyclical fallers who look at their main issue as an eye-problem. And to them I wish a hearty good-luck!

You don't sound like a purely eye-problem kind of guy, but felt like you'd appreciate this thought anyway. After all, you asked! 

Hatzlocha!!

The fact that you take your glasses off is great, even if you're only doing it some of the time. I find that even just some of the time helps me develop the ability to not focus on things I shouldn't be seeing, even when I do have my glasses on.

thanks for the replies. Dov- so you're saying that my goal in general shouldn't be just to "guard my eyes" or "stay away" but to figure out why it is that i am straying - the deeper meaning as to why I need these other things? Or simply that if my entire goal is to simply guard my eyes on the subway and in the streets than I'm in a loosing battle here?

truth11 wrote on 23 Apr 2010 02:37:



Exactly! Did you see Thursday's chizuk e-mail? (#761)

I think both are true  ;D

After you read the chizuk email, maybe share your thoughts?

On a basic level, you need to effect change in a deeper way, otherwise, you're going to be struggling directly with this issue, and that's not going to end well, because it gets tiring. The goal is to get to the point where you can just walk away, and live life without this issue!

I think...

Look, the experience I have is like this: If I don't do the behavioral things that teach me to be free of these things (like shutting my eyes or removing my glasses when needed, praying caringly for the woman whose image I want to lust with, making the calls I need to make to other guys and admitting the sometimes embarrassing truth about myself, diverting my gaze from the People magazines on the table at work, getting the heck put of Dodge when needed, or whatever...) I'll screw up. Doing these difficult  and sometimes painful kinds of things shows that I am surrendering my "right" to use lust, and goes a very long way toward aiding my recovery.

But if I only do those things, and consider the avodah the recovery itself, I am a fool. I'll screw up for sure, that way. That'd be taking the fight in my own hands all over again, and that's how I got into this mess to begin with! It'd be proof positive that I am still pretending that my problem was the lusting/schmutz/masturbation - but the truth is that my drugs of choice are just my way of dealing with my actual perceptions that: life is unfair and scary, that people are beneath me and no good, and that I am a useless stinker. My lust problem is a symptom of my own brokenness. If I don't learn a new attitude toward life, people and myself, I'm doomed.

Not arguing with anything said, at all, just varfing and I hope it helps someone besides just me.

Right, I hear what you are saying, but it's scary because where the heck do I begin? I know I have some insecurities (who doesn't) but I guess i'm just still trying to figure out what void I have. I know my self-esteem is nil right now but I am trying to find ways to clean my eye sight as to what a good person I probably am and I just don't realize it. 

Just wanted to share a quick story. Last night I was coming home on the train, it was pretty late and there were all of these drunks coming home from parties and such and of course everyone was dressed very modestly. Out of nowhere I felt mamesh trapped in the good ol desires. I tried shaking it off as hard as possible, and the harder I tried the more I was falling...fast. I literally was trying everything I could. I even took a longer path home to free my mind a bit. But as addicts, we all know, that once the desire comes, you need to have the right tools to deal with it. Anyways, I was panicking because It's been about 2 weeks now clean and I really felt that i had been on a role. I was thinking in my head - "ok, why do i need this to feel better, what is this really going to help me for? Yet, still these thoughts weren't going away.

Honestly, for the first time in my life, i felt absolutely trapped...It felt as if I had no choice, zero. Since I recently joined this site, I could only think of one thing to do. Surrender. I closed my eyes, and said, "Hashem, I have absolutely no freedom right now, I hate this and I don't want this at all, get rid of this from me now, because you are the only One that can help me get through this, please please don't leave me here, I am trying so hard and I am nothing without you". To make a short story long, I got out of the subway, my head cleared and went to sleep smiling and so happy that Hashem gave me new life. Here I am beginning my 3rd week clean since joining this site, planning to take it one day at a time, progressively trying to surrender myself to Hashem. Thanks for the advice, keep it coming.

What a gorgeous story! One happy memory for you to carry with you the rest of your life, no matter what happens in the future. I store these successes in my heart and feed off them for a long, long, time. Hodu-laShem ki Tov, ki l'Olam Chasdo!

truth11 wrote on 25 Apr 2010 22:14:



wow!!!!!!

GEVALDIGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!

KOT!!!