Good morning fellow fighters. Just completed 14 days and earned my 'עבד ה badge.
Had a shtickel win yesterday night. I was sitting in a park next to my house where I go sometime in a quiet corner, but its a walkeay, and every few minutes people pass, and its right by someones front door. A few minutes later, a girl, which I didn't look at of course, asked me if it would bother me if she sits on a bench next to me, I don't own the park, who am I to say no? so I told her no problem. The bench next to me was 2 feet to the right and 2 feet behind me, in a way that I wasn't able to see her at all. I thought it's not a problem, and it didn't cause any urges, so I continued sitting for a few minutes. But the presence of a girl next to my was on my mind, and i reminded myself what happened a few weeks ago. So I got up and left, even though it ruined my nightly relaxation. 

Now, to the stroy that happened a few weeks ago. I briefly mentioned it in my first post. One evening, I was on day 38 of no M, feeling very confident that I'm gonna reach my goal of 40 days for the 2'nd time, and break my bad habit,. I was not yet signed up for GYE at the time. I was also sitting in a different park near my house, much more open and public with lots of bachurim hanging out on the benches next to me. Unexpectedly, a motorcycle zooms in to the park and stopped very close to me, of course I turned around to look, and I see an OTD bachur and his girlfriend on the motorcycle, coming to visit his friends hanging out. Maybe he was married, IDK. But anyway, she was wearing a long skirt with which she couldn't sit on the motorcycle, causing her he to be extremely not tzniusdik...
Needles to say that it was extremely triggering having been clean of P for 6 monthes and working on shmiras einiyim for quite a while, and I fell that night, thinking the whole time about Hashems presence and being so close to my goal of 40 days, and set a boundary not to think about woman the whole time only about Hashem, in such a way, that the I did not have an ounce of pleasure and the urge didn't diminish at all...

The next day, I contacted GYE and had a long eye opening (closing?) conversation. I had previously believed that it's impossible for a unmarried individual to reach complete abstinence, my mindset was that of course I'm gonna fall through at some point, but I'll try to reduce the frequency to only once a month or so. I thought that even the greatest tzadikim had to satisfy their bodily needs every once in a while, and Kal v'chomer that 90% of regular bachurim M at least once a week. (I still think so...) The kind representative explained to me that it is indeed possible, and told me he has helped countless bachurim in my situation. One of my first questions was if someone has contacted GYE in the past with a similar situation, asking for help with a struggle to overcome only M after completing 40 days and 38 days and lots of 14 days. I really thought that I'm the first and that he's gonna answer that the program is only for P. I didn't dream in my wildest dream that there are bachurim on here with 500+ days clean, like jewizard21 who I draw tremendous inspiration from.
Anyways, the next few days were very hard, falling multiple times, until i felt that i satisfied the urge. I started the flight to freedom program, learned some techniques, read some posts. Started with a goal of only 3 days. (My favorite method if you've read my previous posts.)
And TYH, here I am, on day 14 again!

Need some chizzuk today. Not about abstination, just in general. I had one of the most stressful, depressing, and anxious day of recent memory. 
While I'm here already, let me ask you guys, I know what I'm doing is right, and I'm sure that Hashem has immense nachas ruach, but for some reason I don't feel close to him at all! Can anyone relate?

(also, just wondering, how come Noone has responded to my previous post? I see quite a few thank you's)

Hey Yosefthetzadik!

I hope you feel good some time soon . It's great you are on this platform. I can try and give you chizzuk. Words of chizuk: "I've got your back". I didn't read all your post. I've read your most recent one. The way I think, is that happiness is more valuable than always guarding your eyes. As a friend I try to make people happy. It's great to hear you.

Sincerely
Avi

Sometimes we feel close to hashem sometimes we don't not neccesarally because of what we're doing whether good or bad will affect our feeling of shaich us to hashem , the seforim hakdoishim bring down the idea of yimay ahava and yimey sinah.
     Keep trucking my friend 

maybe listen to this episode which mite give great chizuk if you understand Yiddish

Check out episode: הצלחת האדם בעלם הזה נמדד האם הוא מתמודד כראוי בכל המצבים @@Havineini‏
http://lomdotchasidut.libsyn.com/32pamu65956o

Hey yosef,

I can definitely relate to both your previous post and the post beforehand. I am sorry that I couldn't respond. Something that I had and still have a difficult time with is when people don't respond, but we have to realize that we may have time for GYE sometimes (I don't right now but I am procrastinating and feel that this is very important) but most of the other people, especially the ones that respond, have very busy and full lives. Juggling work, kids, a relationship, and our own daily nisyonos, which are very time consuming. 

Something that is very hard to realize in the moment is that when we are experiencing stress, depression, and anxiety if we run to porn and masturbation then we just end up adding more emotions like guilt and lack of self worth on top of all of those emotions. 
Once we get the instinct to use porn and masturbation to numb our emotions out of our system, aka rewire our brains, we start to gain the tools to deal with emotions. 
I can guarantee that life is way more enjoyable without porn and masturbation. Every day there is a calm sense of peace that and a higher sense of self worth that is irreplaceable.

With regards to connecting to Hashem, when we are in the clutches of Lust it is very difficult to connect to anyone. We tend to draw into ourselves and subconsciously we block out others out of fear that they would find out what we do or out of the feeling that we arent worthy to connect. Their is also a fear of loosing our companion that we thought was our friend. We learn to rely on lust and it appears as if it is always there for us. We need to change our perspective and acknowledge that this was never something that helped us but rather it drained us and left us out to dry. 
Here is a post (that nobody responded to ) :
guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/413816-A-Friend#413816

I hope that this helps and I would try type more but I have to get back to class to finish about 15 assignments and study for an exam  
 Again, without porn and masturbation numbing my emotions I am able to push through this stress and anxiety without a huge weight on my whole body that I use to feel. It ain't easy but its 1000% easier!!

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

yosefthetzadik wrote on 02 Jul 2025 18:00:

Yosef, you're a real inspiration! Your win of last night isn't just a "shtikel win" - it's MAJOR! It's so so special! You gave up on your relaxation for the sake of Hashem and your sanity. It's these seemingly little decisions that are slowly but surely showing the YH who is the real boss! Keep it up my friend!

I strongly recommend reading the book "The Battle of the Generation" (see link for download in my signature). A lot of the book is about creating a connection with Hashem through these challenges. It has helped me tremendously in my journey.

Keep us posted... and even if nobody responds we're here listening and routing for you!!

Welcome Aboard! 

We're all here because we're trying to get better. Stick around, share with the oilam, and good luck!

here is another good one from R' Meilech www.youtube.com/shorts/B7kRe3kVD-w

Hi, day number 15 passed. Had another stressfull day B"H. Feel like my head is about to explode! Not giving in to the YH though. I'm rather gonna have stress than have guilt too. YH, if you're reading this, I quit! No more just, that's it! I'm done with you!

Thank you Eerie for setting me up with a great mentor. And thank you anonymous mentor of course!

My newest favorite procrastination method is the GYE forum and website. Wasted too many hours on it lately. Been pushing of everything important for days already. Having to do all my daily chores late at night. Which only adds to the stress. But, I guess, to overcome lust, stress is better than being bored. No?!?

Whatever, keeping inspired by @jewizard. Also the רווק הדר בכרך post gave me some chizzuk. 

Also, for some reason i feel like i was much closer to Hashem in the past. My mentor told me that that's a common theme in sforim. That Hashem gives closeness to people that start out בדרכי העבודה even though they don't deserve it, just to give them a taste. But now I have to learn how to earn that taste myself, a process which can take years.

Anyway, so long fellow ffighters. Gotta go do everything I procrastinated today.... 

Just to chime in. I had noticed the 180 day thing too. I think it's a safeguard put in by the admin to remove "stale" counts. If they haven't posted who says they are clean?

The other thing about the thank you. Is its the community's way of liking the post. I think there is a sensitivity to clogging up a thread with "amazing" and so forth.

BenHashemBH wrote on 02 Jul 2025 11:51:

Lol... I saw it on his signature, loved it, and sent it to my friends....
Later i saw it on my friend chat again, totally forgot and posted it here..
Even after you showed me this, i thought it's a coincidence.
I now bumped in to tzitzis dude acount, and just realized that indeed, I took it from there