B"H, I made it through yesterday just fine. I pray that you're right, that it'll be easier from on out, though seemingly the "magic number" is 90 days, and even after that, it isn't like it stops being a struggle; it just becomes easier. In any case, I just finished biur chametz, and I feel like I can go into Pesach ready and clean. BS"D, I'll continue to stay clean.

Don't focus too much on the big numbers. It takes each day, one day at a time. If we look towards a certain number and think once we get past that life is easier then we're just lying to ourselves. We're fighting for that number instead of changing ourselves so that at that number it gets easier.

Changin how we view women, how we view sex, and how we view this nisoyon is the key to long term success. 

If we have a healthy perspective with regards to these areas and we work on internalizing them then that's true success.

But in the end, yes it gets easier.

Have a wonderful shabbos and a wonderful pesach.

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

I don't disagree with you at all. I understand that my ultimate goal is to rid myself not only of all aveira, but even of hirhur aveira. It's not about hitting some arbitrary number, it's about coming closer to G-d. Hitting numbers does give me some encouragement, but it can in no way replace the actual goal. I have a question though. The Gemara (Sukkah 52b) says "Rabbi Yochanan said: A man has a little organ. If he starves it, it is satiated; if he satiates it, it is hungry." I have noticed some improvement in my disposition, but I still have urges most days. Will it ever come where go weeks without thinking about this? Will it ever come that I will be able to speak to women my age and not have inappropriate feelings?

B"H, the past few days have been going pretty well, but I've been struggling a lot today. I really can't explain what it is, because I haven't done anything different today, but I've had a really strong urge to act out. I would really appreciate some chizuk.

The yetzer hora is nervous that he's losing an easy customer. Staying clean is a massive achievement in and of it itself - this is not just about staying away from garbage......

A tip or 2 can be to a) reach out to an accountability partner, b) make sure you're not triggering yourself (through sight, thought, and touch). 
Do you have any unfiltered devices within sight? Are you seeing more women than usual that you're finding triggering? Definitely Yom Tov has its built in pressures that can make things difficult....

Reach out to one the mentors here than can give you chizuk on the phone.

Just know that Hashem is calling his Angels together and telling them "see my son Sprather, how he wants to come close to Me. He wants to do the right thing and is working towards achievement of control over the beast. How proud I am of him!!!!!!!!"

Be proud of your accomplishments!

Best of luck with all,

Muttel

I haven't changed anything about my environment, but being pent up in my dorm all day is probably not good for me. Previously, bein hazmanim has been a very tamei time for me. I have stayed clean throughout this bein hazmanim, but the fact that I am without much structure, and spending so much time in the dorm, has made this harder than usual. I guess the one thing that probably bears mention is the fact that I often have bad thoughts when waking up. Over bein hazmanim, I have been lying in bed for a while before getting up (I know in Mishlei it says "how long will you lie there, lazybones; when will you wake from your sleep? A bit more sleep, a bit more slumber, a bit more hugging yourself in bed, and poverty will come calling upon you, and want, like a man with a shield.") Sometimes (this was true this morning) I let myself lie there and think these evil thoughts, which doesn't help me for the rest of the day. I guess I really ought to be more diligent and force myself to get out of bed upon awaking; I shouldn't allow myself to lie in bed and fantasize while half asleep. Thank you so much for the support! I have a friend who I sometimes talk to about these things, but I haven't established him as a kavua accountability partner. Maybe I should have a talk with him explicitly about that. (Currently he's in the states, which makes it more tricky, but in general, I think it is good to have a peer that you can talk to about these things.)

I just fell again after the longest "clean streak" I had ever had. I fell back into both P and M, into particularly disgusting stuff. I truly feel so despondent right now; it doesn't feel worth while to do anything. Admittedly, I got drunk, which is what led me to do it (I understand that drunkenness is a sin in and of itself.) It feel so stupid; I just removed myself from holiness for what? Right now I feel awful, and even in the moment, it's not really good; it's just that you think it's going to be good when you start. I don't want to be too explicit, but right now, I just feel terrible about what I just did. I know in principle that I can get back up and start again, but right now, it doesn't seem like there's any hope in anything. I know I definitely need to not drink so much, and I need to have better fail-safes for when the ruach shtut comes over me. I know Hashem always forgives, but I also know that I need to change my ways in order for that to happen, and I don't know if I really can. I had been clean for so long (I know 51 days is not so long in the grand scheme of things, but it was the longest I had ever been clean) that I really thought I was done for good. I might regret this post tomorrow, but right now, I just need to vent. AHHHHHHHHHH!

II feel for you brother, I've been there before. It's okay, and things will get better over time. A thought that I recently found helpful is that if you just got your longest clean streak, that means that it's working. Keep taking the steps you've been taking and keep growing and with hashems help you will find some peace. Feel free to read my story (in my signature) or to reach out. Hatzlacha!

I can feel like I'm on the right track, but sometimes it feels hard to imagine that I'll ever be able to really quit for good. I started this thread after I fell after a 37 day clean streak - at that point my longest ever. Recently, I was able to get up to 51 days, and then I fell again. I am now back up to 5 days. I know that I can do more than 51 days, but then I might just fall after 60, or 70. 90 days is supposed to be the magic number, but it isn't like once you get to 90 days, the Y"H just disappears; people have posted on this thread about having fallen after a year clean. I truly want to be done with this forever. I guess I'd like some chizuk from people that have clean for years, and have largely put this behind them. I remember when I first signed up for GYE and I was clean for 37 days, I thought I was really done forever. I want to really believe that that's true again.

brother, im reading your posts and im blown away by these "streaks" you are mentioning about. those are incredible achievements. each one of them. and the falls in between have nothing to do with the MANY days you were clean. Please, realize that many many people struggle just to be clean a couple days in a row, and when they do its a massive victory. You are a real hero and the fact that you're feeling "down" is a testament to how strong you are. You know, I'm really getting chizuk from your raw authentic honesty. Please keep us in the loop and please know that you are a source of strength to those who need to get past day 1. 
I wish you success in every possible way!
​Hashem loves you, 
DONT EVER GIVE UP

Some quick math,
37+51+5 = 93days clean

Dont loose the amazing fact that youve been clean for over 90 days just with a few bumps.
Streaks are all good and nice but progress is the tachles.
You getting back up is amazing!!

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

sprather wrote on 13 Apr 2025 17:30:

I don't know how I missed this response from a while back.
To answer you,

Urges still come, just less frequent and way easier to deal with because we have the tools to fight and hirhurim are the same.
And yes, with time and work on changing how we look at and perceive women, we can have conversations with women without having to force ourselves to not fantasize.

Please contact if you haven't already some of the great mentors here.

Thank all of you for the kind words of encouragement. While I do worry, ultimately, I know that this is something I can beat: I see many people that have left this behind for many years, and were able to get married (or stay married) have children, and become better adjusted. I know that if I continue to do this, it will make getting married, staying married, and being happy in marriage must harder, but if I quit, I can have a happy marriage with many children that love G-d. I want this, no matter what I might tell myself in hard times. To answer Jewizard's question, I have been in contact with one of the mentors on the GYE forum, which has been good. I also have an accountability partner IRL.

I have continued to struggle. I have gotten up, and fallen again. Erev Shavuot, I fell again. I felt so terrible, worse than I had probably ever felt before. I told myself I was done. Obviously you say that every time, but this time it really felt different. I cried a lot, and I tried to use my learning as a maaseh teshuvah. I really thought it was going to be different; I knew what this leads to, and what it does to me. I could see that this wasn't something I wanted to be involved with anymore. I was done. Not just done for the next few weeks, really done for good. I took solace in the understanding that I had really committed to being done once and for all. That lasted until yesterday; I fell right back in to particularly disgusting stuff. I feel truly despondent. I see that I started my GYE account at the beginning of the year - I leave yeshivah on Sunday, and what have I accomplished? Sure, I have cut back on this a fair bit, but that's not enough. I really told myself Erev Shavuot that this would be different. It didn't seem like I was just going through the motions of falling and doing teshuvah only to last a few weeks. I wrote this in part to get this off my mind, partly to return to that true committment Erev Shavuot, that I am really done for good, and partly to ask, for those of you that have been clean for a long time, one, two, three years, what did it finally take for you to quit, not just for days or weeks or months, but for good?

sprather wrote on 05 Jun 2025 06:07:

Shalom Brother sprather,

Oy, I'm sorry that you feel the frustration of the ups and downs. But look at what you've accomplished. Cutting back a fair bit is a huge bit. AND, you've continued to push, not giving up. You are growing and making progress and BezH it should continue.

What is a potential next step you can take? Is there some way to eliminate or restrict access to this "particular stuff"?

Do you stay connected with any friends and/or mentors? Support and accountability are a tremendous tool for staying strong, especially when the going gets tough. 

Whatever tomorrow brings, you can always be today done for good, and that is Emes. We only despair when we look back and no longer believe that it was true. Keep being 'done for good' today, and BezH you'll continue to be.

Hatzlacha and Kol Tov.