B"H, I made it through yesterday just fine. I pray that you're right, that it'll be easier from on out, though seemingly the "magic number" is 90 days, and even after that, it isn't like it stops being a struggle; it just becomes easier. In any case, I just finished biur chametz, and I feel like I can go into Pesach ready and clean. BS"D, I'll continue to stay clean.

Don't focus too much on the big numbers. It takes each day, one day at a time. If we look towards a certain number and think once we get past that life is easier then we're just lying to ourselves. We're fighting for that number instead of changing ourselves so that at that number it gets easier.

Changin how we view women, how we view sex, and how we view this nisoyon is the key to long term success. 

If we have a healthy perspective with regards to these areas and we work on internalizing them then that's true success.

But in the end, yes it gets easier.

Have a wonderful shabbos and a wonderful pesach.

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

I don't disagree with you at all. I understand that my ultimate goal is to rid myself not only of all aveira, but even of hirhur aveira. It's not about hitting some arbitrary number, it's about coming closer to G-d. Hitting numbers does give me some encouragement, but it can in no way replace the actual goal. I have a question though. The Gemara (Sukkah 52b) says "Rabbi Yochanan said: A man has a little organ. If he starves it, it is satiated; if he satiates it, it is hungry." I have noticed some improvement in my disposition, but I still have urges most days. Will it ever come where go weeks without thinking about this? Will it ever come that I will be able to speak to women my age and not have inappropriate feelings?

B"H, the past few days have been going pretty well, but I've been struggling a lot today. I really can't explain what it is, because I haven't done anything different today, but I've had a really strong urge to act out. I would really appreciate some chizuk.

The yetzer hora is nervous that he's losing an easy customer. Staying clean is a massive achievement in and of it itself - this is not just about staying away from garbage......

A tip or 2 can be to a) reach out to an accountability partner, b) make sure you're not triggering yourself (through sight, thought, and touch). 
Do you have any unfiltered devices within sight? Are you seeing more women than usual that you're finding triggering? Definitely Yom Tov has its built in pressures that can make things difficult....

Reach out to one the mentors here than can give you chizuk on the phone.

Just know that Hashem is calling his Angels together and telling them "see my son Sprather, how he wants to come close to Me. He wants to do the right thing and is working towards achievement of control over the beast. How proud I am of him!!!!!!!!"

Be proud of your accomplishments!

Best of luck with all,

Muttel

I haven't changed anything about my environment, but being pent up in my dorm all day is probably not good for me. Previously, bein hazmanim has been a very tamei time for me. I have stayed clean throughout this bein hazmanim, but the fact that I am without much structure, and spending so much time in the dorm, has made this harder than usual. I guess the one thing that probably bears mention is the fact that I often have bad thoughts when waking up. Over bein hazmanim, I have been lying in bed for a while before getting up (I know in Mishlei it says "how long will you lie there, lazybones; when will you wake from your sleep? A bit more sleep, a bit more slumber, a bit more hugging yourself in bed, and poverty will come calling upon you, and want, like a man with a shield.") Sometimes (this was true this morning) I let myself lie there and think these evil thoughts, which doesn't help me for the rest of the day. I guess I really ought to be more diligent and force myself to get out of bed upon awaking; I shouldn't allow myself to lie in bed and fantasize while half asleep. Thank you so much for the support! I have a friend who I sometimes talk to about these things, but I haven't established him as a kavua accountability partner. Maybe I should have a talk with him explicitly about that. (Currently he's in the states, which makes it more tricky, but in general, I think it is good to have a peer that you can talk to about these things.)

I just fell again after the longest "clean streak" I had ever had. I fell back into both P and M, into particularly disgusting stuff. I truly feel so despondent right now; it doesn't feel worth while to do anything. Admittedly, I got drunk, which is what led me to do it (I understand that drunkenness is a sin in and of itself.) It feel so stupid; I just removed myself from holiness for what? Right now I feel awful, and even in the moment, it's not really good; it's just that you think it's going to be good when you start. I don't want to be too explicit, but right now, I just feel terrible about what I just did. I know in principle that I can get back up and start again, but right now, it doesn't seem like there's any hope in anything. I know I definitely need to not drink so much, and I need to have better fail-safes for when the ruach shtut comes over me. I know Hashem always forgives, but I also know that I need to change my ways in order for that to happen, and I don't know if I really can. I had been clean for so long (I know 51 days is not so long in the grand scheme of things, but it was the longest I had ever been clean) that I really thought I was done for good. I might regret this post tomorrow, but right now, I just need to vent. AHHHHHHHHHH!

II feel for you brother, I've been there before. It's okay, and things will get better over time. A thought that I recently found helpful is that if you just got your longest clean streak, that means that it's working. Keep taking the steps you've been taking and keep growing and with hashems help you will find some peace. Feel free to read my story (in my signature) or to reach out. Hatzlacha!