Inhabited inside, 
Living side by side,
Monsters with the angels wrestle, Hey - 
So here’s to you, friend, 
Learning to defend, 
The thrashing flail of the hero’s play. 

The horizon glows alight,
Still at the edge of night -
Heralding the coming of a Day.
Relax and know that you,
Can fight and still be true, 
‘Tis the growthful human’s Way. 

Those climbing up and down 
Ladder spanning Heaven to Ground 
Will one day, once again, wonder at the sight: 
He who struggled, now’s at peace 
foes vanquished, self at ease, 
A luminescent visage full of Light! 

שלחנו כי עלה השחר !

ואז ישמח לבי גם אני העני 
מאן דבעי חיים 

An update and not such a good one.

On Thursday I received further not such good news in some of the difficulties I am dealing with. I told someone I wanted to go and look and all forbidden things just to escape (not that it is in reality an escape) but I held on. He responded "I knew you would" I told him back "I am glad you are so confident because I am not". The next day I had a very bad day. I did not masterbate or watch  p*** but  definitely looked at somethings that are totally unacceptable and did some other things as well like filter poking. I have no doubt that the only reason I did not watch actual p*** is because I am bh blocked off from these devices.  Then the war began:

I know I am not a failure. (Even though I failed big time looking at improper things)
I feel that I am one.
I know I am not a lost case.
I feel that I am far gone.
I know  I can still beat this.
I feel that I never will and will be in the pits forever.

So what happens when you have a very strong minded person against a very strong feeling (perhaps even stronger)person?
ONE ROYAL MESS.

I was devastated by what I had done but at the same time trying to keep my spirits up.
Shabbos morning, I got hagbah. As I was holding the sefer torah during the haftorah i started getting very depressed. I thought to myself that if the sefer had legs it would for sure run away from me for what I had done. No kedusha by this yid. Then my brain kicked in saying.No! HKBH gave you hagbaha today to tell you just learn some more as it is brought in the sefarim that the best tikkun for these things is limud hatorah. With that I felt a little better until the other side came back saying the opposite. (I did learn more that day because of it)

Hence , it is a constant state of war between my intellect and my emotions.
When I was a bachur in E"Y I wa zoche to have kesher with The mashgiach Harav Shlomo Volbe ZTL. I even spent a part of a shabbos with him in his house. (This was in the last year of his life) I already knew my number back the that I have very strong feelings that do not always (but very often do) align with what is right. The first question I asked him on that memorable Friday night was how can one control his emotions and the raging emotions that run within me. He answered me immediately "with sechel". he told me to learn his sefer called kinyan daas where the whole sefer is on this topic. (He told me some other things that Is too long to type for now) He also warned me that it is a very hard battle.

I am still  fighting that battle today.
I feel really bad about what I did but have to try to keep it in perspective. However perspective means to be truthful. Not to white wash it with things like you tried and that is all that counts. To me that is not being completely truthful. Of course HKBH cherishes all the efforts even if it ends up in a fall and will reward us accordingly. It also does not negate the ability to do teshuva. BUT  I have to be honest and say what I did was unacceptable and wrong. No matter what way you slice it. And just like the fall or slip or whatever terminology is used does not negate the nachas that he gets from the  effort, the effort does not negate the obligation to  recognize that I did wrong and must do tesuvah. Just like the ends does not justify the means the means do not justify the ends.

At this point I do not want to hear things like  look how much you accomplished take it with you. While this may be true, I give the lions share of the credit for what has happened till now to you guys. Particularly the vaad and the many people that have given from their precious time to allow me to build a relationship with them. I do not see my self as having accomplished much. In fact I am at a sort of catch 22. When I refrain I feel bad that I am not enjoying from these forbidden sights and when I fail I feel terrible that I did! Not much internal change here. which is really where the hard work that has to be done by the individual himself.

On another matter a lot has been spoken about people seeing more difficulties in their life as they start to get better. Vehkam posted something last week that he had actually told me in person a few days before. And while it is for sure 100% true I think there is another angle to it as well. (I believe HHM says this to people as well) The satan is nervous that he is losing some of his best costumers. People who have been easy prey for years to do all sorts of sins are now not under his control. He is desperate to get his customers back so he sends troubles to draw us back into his "store". (I want to tell the satan That I do not want to be his costumer any more! Please do not entice me with your "sales".! I shop else where now! I doubt he will get the memo but that is what I want). At the same time people have posted how they wonder where all the great schar is that is promised by chazal for those who refrain. While there are various answers to that I have told myself when such thoughts came up something a little different. It is very chutzpadik of me to ask why things are harder now that I am in the progress of trying to break free. If I did not have a problem when he did not punish me right away when I wa doing all these avairos on a constant basis I certainly can ot ask now why he is not rewarding right away.. (Not to mention that the attitude is never supposed to be about when will reward come.)

Finally a small thought that came to my head over shabbos as I was brooding my failure. (many have probably had this already but as always I am  a little slow on the pick up) The pasuk tells us there cannot be steps at the mizbaiach because as rashi says that causes the Kohens erva to be exposed to the mizbaiach and is a bizoyon for the mizbaiach. (Even though he is wearing pants as well). I started thinking.. when I watch someone on the computer expose themselves, I think that she is disgracing herself but it has nothing to do with me. I am just watching... Rashi is telling us not that way. When An erva is exposed it is a disgrace to the one who sees it as well. I am degrading myself when I look at improper things! Another idea to go into my intellect. But another very long path to my emotions.

I will try to continue to fight and hope never to fall again but no guarantees in life. I feel terrible about what happened but must try to pick myself up and try again (And of course to teshuva)
(just for the record as per HHM I am not resetting my count as I did not actually see P*** or masterbate. As much as I feel otherwise.)

Thank you so  much for all your support!!!

I won’t say any of the things you don’t want to hear.

But I want to share a thought and a feeling: 

The feeling is empathy. The feeling of terrible regret is a sickening one. The feeling of struggling with difficulties in life, of feeling that perhaps things ought to be getting better, and then disappointment… here’s a warm hand, from one who has known some of those bitter feelings… 

The thought is this:
You know that “all-or-nothing” thinking is not correct. You know that your Aveiros don’t negate the value of your Mitzvah’s and Torah learning. You know that different חטאים have different levels of Chomer, same as Mitzvos. But that’s not how you FEEL. You feel that you’re a worthless failure and that encompasses your totality. My thought is this. This emotional response is no less of a Yetzer Hora than the emotion that makes you feel that masturbating would help you feel better about your life challenges. Recognizing all-or-nothing, black-and-white emotions as a challenge may help you deal with your feelings in a different way. 

The sun comes up, every morning. 
Mine eyes are looking, שומרים לבוקר, brother, hope that you can, too

המצפה לחיים, חן , וחסד

Dear, dear Brother Jolly.

Sometimes the most special things are abstract, and it is the unique contrasts that makes the beauty shine forth. 

You have a huge heart and a strong mind. You called it a "royal mess" - and maybe it is messy at times, contradictory and confusing, but it is still royal. 

Like Dovid Hamelech, one of the greatest men, who had a life filled with one challenge after another, and he was super critical and hard on himself.

I can already hear you protesting the comparison, and that's one thing I love about you. Not just saying you don't think it's true, it mamash bothers you and you believe deep down that it's very wrong. To you there is no shaychis if it's not kulo emes. 

So please hear this emes. The power your emotions wield that drags you down is less than the potential that they have to lift you up up up. It's for you to figure out how to rule over them, but the tremendous potential is that of royal greatness. You are a son of the King of all Kings. The fact that you run so relentlessly away from kavod, perhaps that is why others see what you are not willing to. The gadlus of your journey and the very hard battle because you will inherently never accept yourself as good enough. Now this is why I find you so incredibly inspiring. The more you protest, the more real and genuine you become as a mevakesh that I can only hope to emulate. 

Your humbled Brother,
A fellow wanting to live as a Ben Hashem

I don't know if it's right to say I enjoyed this post, but it's always a good experience to read your deep and thought-provoking posts.

Just to throw something out as food for thought. I definitely can relate somewhat to the feeling of "when I refrain I feel bad that I am not enjoying from these forbidden sights and when I fail I feel terrible that I did." I do think that the pleasure of refraining can be learnt. But while you work on that, perhaps there's something else you can try to give yourself a positive feeling from refraining. And I don't mean rewarding yourself. Perhaps doing something positive will help you feel like you're accomplishing something by "refraining". It's not just hammering away at the "sur m'rah" but also getting some "aseh tov" in that makes you feel accomplished.

For me personally, volunteering for the vaad gives me the overall feeling like my struggle is accomplishing something. It's true that I could work for the vaad while I'm not clean, and have done so many times. But feeling like I'm doing something positive with my struggle helps me stay positive about the struggle. It's not as direct as learning to feel good about choosing to not give in, but it's definitely easier to do.

There's definitely many other benefits to giving back to others struggling as well. And you have a lot to offer, and there is much work that needs to be done.

But if you don't feel like you're up to that, there's other things you can do to help give a positive flavor to the struggle. I think it's a personal question you need to think about, but just to throw out some examples off the top of my head: if there's a specific time you struggled filling that time with a special seder; focusing on improving shalom bayis; giving chizzuk through posting, even davening for other strugglers. Whatever. Just finding some positive aseh tov actions in this war to make you feel like you are accomplishing more than just "refraining."

Hey jolly! one little thought that went threw the mirrers kup as he was reading megillas jolly, was that u constantly tell me and others what a inspiration we are (just quoting u brother), and u say that u really really mean it, man alive if i who............................................................................................................................... am still ur inspiration than you dear jolly gotta be your own huge inspiration! keep it up your amazing!

Brother J not much I could comfort you with other than the fact that your a big positive chizik for me personally and please stay in as I need you (and I'm waiting for response on the pm ahem)  just a Shalom bayis tip I heard that the marriage is cemented AFTER THE FIRST FIGHT...     Youv been doing awesome you didn't fall you slipped  now you can prove to yourself that this is the type of person you are your a kadosh and even after a slip your slill gonna continue being a person thats a kadosh.
     Much love from your yedid

An update, a painful cry, a terrified scream, a loud groan, a deep sigh, (or all of the above)

I feel that I still sliding down this terrible slide to the abyss and am trying (so far unsuccessfully) to get off before I hit rock bottom.
as in close proximity to many women in addddition to some if not all of the following
Let me recap:
Life's challenges led me to different places this week that I was barraged by nisyonos.
All these places I had to deal with some or all of the following: Many women in close proximity who may or may not have been dressed appropriately for an extended period of time. TV,dirty magazines, billboards etc. Obviously all this meant I was away from my gemara which is really my only avenue of escape from these issues. Tis was for the majority of last week. B"H I was very matzliach in keeping my eyes off these things. I do not recall one time that I took a second look at anything or took a first look for the sake of looking at something inappropriate. This of course is to the credit of all my GYE friends!

So you would think I felt good after that, no? WRONG!
I felt deflated and weak. Deflated that I kept thinking that I will never be able to fulfill my perceived "needs".(of course we know it is not a real need but you get my drift) Weak that I was so worn out from the constant struggle. and can not see myself ever getting out of it. (It is not like these issues are a davar shayesh loi matiren). having no strength to continue to face the next nisoyon. (By me, practically every women is a trigger). The mental toll it was taking on me was overwhelming!

Soon my mind started playing games with me and started to drift off to imagine things tat I didn't see! I quickly moved my mind to other more ksher things but it kept coming back, again and again. Soon I started  thinking about many of the worst things I had seen in the past. (read: p***n). Again I kept trying to move on but eventually kept coming back. Finally , Shabbos I was having a hard time falling asleep (always a danger zone) and After trying a few times to change thoughts, I succumbed and stred thinking about scenes from the past.I do not know how long but it was definitely longer then it should have been. I simply lacked the mental willpower to keep fighting after such a hard week. It happened again after shabbos. I actually came very close to masturbating from these thoughts. The only reason I did not was because somehow I found the mental strength to keep to my commitment not to move my hand near that area... courtesy of the chizuk I get from you guys on GYE.

Afterward I felt ( and still do ) terrible for my fall. Once again started the think vs feel argument. ( see my last post). I have to figure out a way to maintain the strength and willpower to keep confronting this YH. He is not giving up so I can not back down. The problem is that I find it very difficult to imagine about the great reward and benefits from keeping up when I am in one of these huge urges. It just does not talk to me. All I can think about is how much I desire......

The only thing I was able to come up with was the following: It is true that I can not currently find any joy in this fight. It is one long never ending battle of suppressing my desires. I currently have not managed to internalize TBOTG strategy or any other strategy for that matter. BUt maybe there is another way. That is to find something unrelated to this struggle that I can take pride in. With this it would give me an overall better feeling going in to this fight. I would think something like you are good at that, special at that. You can not fall in these things. Or the very least it would put me a better mood to fight with. This of course would not make the urge any easier but at least put me in a better frame of mind to keep at it.I feel terrible about my second fall (or slip in GYE terms) in a week. (The war of being a failure vs success with a slip is ongoing as usual) Maybe with this mindset I can make amends to preserve the willpower going forward.

If anyone has any other ideas, I would love to hear. ( I know SHEM posted something really insightful earlier about this but would love to hear more eitzos)

Right now I  just feel like screaming HELP ME GET OFFTHIS SLIDE BEFORE I HIT THE BOTTOM!!