Mazel tov mazel tov R' Jolly!!!

You're truly a "Ben Aliya" maybe not as big as Yosef hatzadik, but also not as bad as Acher, you've been such a source of inspiration to me and to everyone who reads your passionate posts, it was an honor to get to know you and I'm looking forward to many more deeply intellectual conversations with you, it's an honor to be your "GYE friend". {Who knows, maybe we both had to struggle, just so we find each other, and form this relationship.}

May you be zoiche to an ever lasting life of kedusha, and help many others achieve lasting freedom. Rooting for you.

With love Akiva 

Mazel tov on 90, the new hergel!!

Just to echo the others here, it’s been amazing getting to know you, with your pure passion and brutal honesty. Bezh we will celebrate 900 and 9000 too and greet Moshiach as those that were able to remain kedoshim in a world gone mad……

Keep giving Hashem the nachas you currently are by staying in this fight…

Muttel

To my Teire Yedid Jolly Kotzker,

I don’t know where to begin. To say that I’m inspired by you, would be the understatement of the year. I blown away by the  גבורת הנפש that you have, by the sheer effort that you’ve put into this fight, and by your exceptional humility. You are a fighter in a league of your own. In football, there’s a position called a running back. It’s one of the most difficult positions to play. His job is to take the ball from the quarterback and run. Simple enough? Not at all. There are a bunch of HUGE goons running at him פון אלע זייטען, grabbing him, trying to Schlep him down. His job is to try to avoid them if possible, and if not, to overpower them and keep on running without letting them drag him down. If there was ever a successful running back, it is you. Your steely determination to stay clean despite the overpowering urges that try to bring you down is astounding to me. I know that there aren’t many people (myself included) that would be able to withstand the onslaught of temptation that you have, and still be clean.

A couple of points I have.  
#1) Kotzk has it’s place, 200 years ago when there were people that were capable of the burning, searing truth. For people in our generation, the unvarnished truth can often hamper our ability to grow. Constantly evaluating and criticizing yourself, on the lust still within you, gives way to much credence to the YH. This is a quote I took from your writings to someone else. “Regarding the thoughts, just try to gently move to other thoughts. Trying to resist them will only make them stronger. You will see that with time you become more accustomed to changing your thought process and it will become somewhat easier.” Give yourself at least as much credit and compassion as you would someone else that was going through the exact same journey as you. You would give him every title, throw every accolade you could think of, and would really believe that he’s an unbelievable hero. Please find it within you, to look at yourself the same way. (For a beautiful post on this topic, see post #415016 in Chaim's Oigen) Take note of the progress you’ve made, and besides for being grateful which you already are, I don’t think that it’s out of place for you to feel a certain amount of pride (I know you’ll disagree, but I’m entitled to my opinion).

#2) Selfish? Bah humbug! I don’t know of a person that despite his urges to give in and just be done with it, spends double the amount of time, getting less pleasure out of the act so his wife can have more. To me, that sounds like the epitome of selflessness, something which I aspire to hopefully attain.

It has been a זכות for me to get to know you and to be counted among your friends. I have gained from you in so many ways. Your ביקוש האמת is Takke a throwback to the olden days in Peshischa, Tomoshov, and Kotzk. Keep on trucking, and being the source of inspiration that you are for all of us here at GYE!

באהבה עזה, Your friend,

Amevakesh

amevakesh wrote on 22 Jan 2025 13:04:

If we are entitled to our own opinion, I agree 100% with Amevakesh's beautiful words.
You are a shining bright and holy star.

Continued hatzlacha and kol tov

I said I would try to post more regularly until things calm down.

Unfortunately, things have not calmed down , dealing multiple diff issues outside of the GYE inyanim which has partially contributed to stronger urges to act out.
The night after I posted my 90 mark I could not sleep. Historically, that would always be a danger zone for me because I thought that acting out would seduce me to sleep.... I was very inclined to act out but I did not because I knew I had to report to you guys. I was thinking ":I just got to 90 and already go back to 0?"   I know  it is not a numbers game but while it is going it can motivate.
 So thank you chevra for holding me accountable!
Hope to keep going

Brother Jolly,

How was your Shabbos?

Jolly jolly went on a train ,  starting his journey fighting his pain ,     he hit the big number(90) and thought he was done ,   but my brother if you fell  the next stop is day one.      ( Ttyo humpty dumbty ).          Dear brother we're in this together.

lamaazavtuni wrote on 27 Jan 2025 19:23:

Hello chevra!

Was kind of away so was not able to connect to my inspiration plug...GYE!

Thank you for the warm words!
B"H I am doing ok but falling really bad. I did not act out or watch anything (porn) but I did fail otherways.
As mentioned, I am going through a very hard time in my life in other matters and it only got harder since the beginning of this week. 
I am ashamed to say (but isn't that the point of posting... to be accountable) that on Sunday night I filter poked for a few min. (around 2-2.5 min). I was only able to stop because I told myself that if I find a weak point in the filter I would for sure act out so better stop while I am ahead. This is good and bad. Good because I have somewhat of a fear of acting out that can be a deterrence at times. Bad because I shouldn't be looking at things inappropriate regardless of if it will lead to acting out or not. (Have to work on that!)
I will b"n keep posting on a more regular basis at least till this rough patch passes. And yes posting means posting failures to though I certainly hope not have to report that!

Thank you to everyone who reached out!

Yesterday was b"h as close to a perfect day regarding kedusha as I have had in a long time.
Does not mean there was no urges. There were, and some pretty tough ones at that, but with s"d and help from some of my friends and mentors I was able to get by.

A thought on the word "Perfect"
Some of my friends and mentors get  very nervous when I use that word. Their reason being that as humans we are not and can not be perfect. They are of course correct in that regard.
I would want to make a distinction between before and after the fact. I must emphasize that this is only my opinion and I would be a fool to think that there is no one who disagrees. I am merely stating for my self why I do not shy away from using that term and why i find that it helps me. To me, I want to set my aspiration to be as close to perfect as possible. I feel that if I started with the mindset of I might fall I am setting myself up for a fall. However, my goal is to look at each test as just an opportunity to do my best. And if c"v I slip or fall then I have to realize that I am human and that falls are part and parcel of  the human experience. So do not beat myself up and just keep going. This is obviously a very fine line to aspire for perfection before the fact but also realizing that it is not always feasible to be so and if c"v a fall happens it is just that....a fall. I realize that many will say that I can be realistic before the fact and still not plan to fail. And good for them. I can not do that..... at this point for sure. I want a fall or a slip to be to me a complete non option the same way I  view eating traif or driving on shabbos as a complete non option. Hence, I use the word perfection as my aspiration but still working on  working on if a c"v a slip or fall occurs not to think it is the end. It is normal and to be expected. It might be expected but I do not want to come to a point where it is accepted as an option.

Again this is just me and for those who can do both sides  without setting perfection as the aspiration.. kudos to them. To me this is the way I have it at this time.

A crooked ladder is perfet, a strate one is not;
A person that has fever evry few munths is perfect, yu dont not beat you self up, you just know that you still perfect;
A person that has urges and slips {sum times c"v falls} is perfect, you dont not beat you self up, you just know that you still perfect.

I not trying to c"v hurting you or giving eitzes, I just saying mines perspective.

I have not posted in a long while as I am very busy trying to take care of different stressful issues going on in life. I have not even been able to get chizuk from others from the forum as much as I would have wanted. I have b"h stayed away from porn and masterbation in that time but feeling like I am sliding down a super slide and can not figure out how to get off before it is too late.

Have a lot to report but I will just relate a few things.

Twice in the last 2 weeks I was stuck in close proximity to women who were not dressed appropriately. The first time I was b"H successful at keeping my eyes of her. The second time , I regretfully took a second look. Though there was a small victory in the fall as I originally intended for it to be a prolonged second look but B"H ripped my eyes away after a few  seconds. In addition, when i pulled away and ran out of the room I had the thought that I should not look at this. It was not only because of a fear of acting out (see a previous post about that). I took that as a good sign that shmiras einayim is now on my radar even without coming to acting out.

Regardless, I felt  really bad after I looked. I started having a discussion with myself about it. (Yes I might be the crazy guy on your corner who you see talking to himself. Actually , to be precise. For sure crazy, might be on your corner.) This conversation sort off went like good cop , bad cop but I think the good cop was actually better.

BC: You know you are a failure.
GC: I know that already. Why are you telling me that now?
BC: Because you just failed in shmiras einayim.
GC: Yes I know but i also have been a lot better recently then in the past. 
BC: Of course you have. The   RBSO is getting immense nachas for the effort and will repay you accordingly. But  the same RBSO  is also disappointed in you for failing this nisayon. Do not whitewash the shortcomings into something acceptable.because of the past efforts!
GC: But it is not my fault! I am having so much stress in my life and the urges are so strong!
BC:Do not start with this! The RBSO gave you these stresses and still gave you this nisoyon. He also gave you the ability to pass this nisoyon even with all the stressful things in life. You failed!
GC: You are right. There are no excuses. I cannot make  believe that nothing happened because of past efforts. I will not whitewash it. I accept that I fell short. But you know what? Next time I am going to be so much better. I will not take a second look at all! I will do teshuva on the fail and show Hashem that I do not want to do that anymore. I will not fail next time!
BC: So now you think you are Yosef Hatazdik? I got news for you... You have are far, far, far away from  Yosef Hatazadik!
GC: You are correct. I am not Yosef Hatzadik and never will be him either. But I have one thing that he did not have!
BC: Oh yea, what is that?
GC: I have all my friends and mentors on GYE!
BC: So what. It won't work.
GC: You said that at the beginning of this journey also. And despite it being extremely difficult I am away from P&M for 112 days because of all the tzadikim on GYE who are literally schlepping me to get clean. You just watch the next time I am in a similar situation!

B"H I was in a doctors office yesterday surrounded by women in the waiting room and did not take one unnecessary look. I chose my seat based on what would have the least problems in my line of sight. Changed my seat one time due to changing situations but that was it. You see what you guys do for me even when I am away from GYE for an extended period of time! 

In any case, I think that was good. I do not want to whitewash the shortcomings. Recognize that they are real and unacceptable. Do not say it is ok because overall I am doing better. But at the same time recognize the improvements as well to build from.  And obviously recognize what you guys do for me! 
Thank you so much!!!

Brother, I'm in awe! Couldn't have said it any better. Please LMK where your good cop lives, so I can be in touch with him.

Speechless....
112!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My have you grown!!!!!!

באהבה עמוקה ועזה,
מאטיל

R jolly your mamash a gadol. You keleachar yad say these tremendously big accomplishment as if most ppl are like that.  Brother most ppl aren't like that even the non p-#+ strugglers   so tell the bad cop that you might very well be the yosef hatsadik of this dor!!      

Hatslacha I hope your life gets less stressful in the meantime keep trucking

Also could you pm me cause I have no clue how to use this complicating forum