vehkam wrote on 14 Oct 2024 20:08:

Vehkam is a LEGEND!!
Consider taking him up on his offer...
(If you didn't read his thread yet, check it out here. It is a must read!)

Hello friends,
I have not posted often but due to many good conversations with such tzadikim here I might start doing it more often. You people are the best! Special shout out to the Vaad led by Proud Yungeman and the second in command that have given me the courage to reach out to anybody!

I wanted to share a kli yakar in this weeks parsha that someone might get chizzuk from (at this point I am unsure if it applies to my situation)
Rashi tells us that ketura was hagar and the change in name is because "her actions were pleasant like ketores" All the meforshim ask , how is that possible since Rashi said in last weeks sedra that she returned to her Avoda zara after being sent away from Avroham Avinu.The Kli Yakar also adds what is the significance of the name ketura?

He answers by saying that chazal tell us that The nevua of Sara emanu was greater then that of Avroham. She saw that Hagar and Yishmoel were leaning towards A"Z so she wanted them out. Avroham did not see that as such he was upset about it until HKB"H told him to ,listen to Sara. He then adds that just like Yishmael did teshuva , so we have to say that so did Hagar. Because if not how can she be called Ketura?
He adds an important point: The torah wanted to publicize that she did teshuva with this name for a very specific reason. It is not just the teshuva that HKBH values/ When a person does teshuva even the actual action of chet is  a nachas ruach to him just like the action of mitzvos and ketores. Just like by Ketores, the Chelbina (an ingredient in the ketores) has a terrible smell but when it reaches hashem it creates a tremendous nachas ruach, so to when a person does aveiros and then does Teshuva the same thing. The aveira it self smells up to the high heaven but once it reaches HKBH with the teshuva it is just like Ketores! Creates a tremendous nachas ruach.

It is  same thing here. Many of us have possibly done things that smell to high heavens. But being here now means we are involved in teshuva. That itself makes that the terrible actions that were done smells like  a tremendous Nachas ruach when it reaches the heavens! The actual action that smell horrible (spiritually speaking) is now like our own ketores and smells wonderful by hashem! 

I thank you for reading and thank you to those who have helped me feel comfortable enough to share!

jollylemur95 wrote on 22 Nov 2024 15:19:



!Ok so now you'll have to write another post explaining how this doesn't apply to you!!!!

You've stepped out of your comfort zone, you've reached out for help because you want to change your life and rid yourself of the sins that are holding you back. 

Explain to me how this isn't the beginning of the steps of the most beautiful teshuva journey?

So happy to see you starting to post more bh.  Please keep it up.  With regards to the kli yakar which is spot on - May I add the following-

 when we say in aleinu- בשמים ממעל ועל הארץ מתחת I often have in mind that the same rbso that created kedusha also created every bit of the opposite. When we use the struggle out of the filth to grow close to hashem we are taking that filth and making it kadosh. 

Not there yet but maybe soon.

This by far my most uncomfortable post I have made since I am really baring my soul here, but It changed me and maybe someone else can benefit as well.

I feel like a ray of light has entered a dark cave that I have been holed up in for years
Since I started this shmutz over a decade ago I didn't think but I knew I was the biggest Rasha, Mushchis, Phony etc. ever. I knew that HKB"H despises me ( and for good reason). I was learning in Kollel and I was sure that my learning is worth nothing. I am still for the most part in Kollel and again knew that I was the biggest failure, Rasha, faker, of the generation. Even after I joined GYE I knew that I was a lost case. I spoke to mentors who claimed I was an Oines but I disagreed. I maintained that I was different then many (but not all) others because I had unfortunately started this when I was already a full Bar Daas. In fact I even told some friends on GYE that part of me wishes I had started as as a kid since I would not have to carry all this baggage with me as I try to get out of this. In fact there are probably a few mentors here whose hair has turned white from fighting with me about this. I was stubborn as a mule that I am not an oines but a worthless piece of trash who learns Torah and does the worst aveiros we can imagine. I refused to even recognize my victories as I was sure it was not anything to be proud of., just fixing a self made problem.
IN SHORT: A TOTAL FAILURE AND FRAUD.   (I was obviously not a very happy person either)

Finally, it was suggested that I ask my question to one of the gedolim of this generation. I was like, no way! He should hear what a Rahsa I am!? Eventually, I agreed to type an email that would be sent to Harav Elya Brudny Shlita. At this point I was in so much pain that I wrote my whole story with graphic details of the some of the aveiros I had done and why I was convinced that I was irredeemable.
I will post the basic questions I asked him but will leave out any graphic details. (I am too ashamed to post them)

Lekovod Harav Brudny ShlitaAt the outset I wish to thank the Rav for his time hearing my story and trying to help me.In addition I ask mechilla in advance if I am a little graphic.I am doing it so the rav will have a complete understanding of how I am where I am now. I am terribly ashamed of what the Rav will read but I must be honest. I thank the rav for his understanding.

( I then proceeded to type my whole life story and how I  reached where I am now crying hysterically of how long gone I am)
The email continues with the questions:I wish to ask the following questions, but before I do I want to emphasize something. While at some point I almost couldn't control myself it is because of my bad choices at the beginning. When I made these choices I was a full Baar Daas.  The first time I encountered pornoghraphy I was 20 or 21. The mz"l after I got married, shortly after that . I fed this Yetzer harah so much that he became an overpowering force. At this point every woman, regardless of how tzenua she is a trigger, because I fed this yetzer hara until he became a monster.
My questions are as follows: (I am  crying as I type this)I believe I am the biggest rasha and phony of this generation. My learning is worthless, same with davening or any good action I may do. Even when I hold myself back from looking at something or someone inappropriate I feel like that is not greatness because I caused myself to be this way. I feel like I am so gone that HKB"H probably despises me. I do not blame him either. I did it to myself with my bad choices when I was truly able to control myself. My mentor says I am an oines. I understand that oines means I am not responsible for all these bad actions. Obviously I am still required to do my very best to rid myself of this shmutz but other then that I am an erlicha yid who Hashem loves, cares for, and values immensely, regardless of what I do, and especially whatever good I do. . I am still in kollel. Am I an erlicah yungarman or a total low life . Is my torah worth anything? Who is right? I desperately want to hear that I am valued.  However that's the method of this generation that everything is soft but not based on  a Torah source. I want real authentic Daas Torah. Am I an oines who Hashem cherishes or so long gone  that I am hopeless. Rabainu Yona at the end of shaar aleph says a person can do teshuva and get a kappara but HKB"H still says I do not want you. Is my current attempt at teshuva valuable to the rebono shel oilam? Or is it a lost case anyway? I must add that I feel that unfortunately, in my current state if I was exposed to an unfiltered device right now, I would fall to my Yetzer Harah in less than a minuteEvery nisoyon that a person faces is an opportunity to become great and closer to him. Is that the case by me with this nisoyon or since I fed it to such an egregious extent, whatever I do is just bringing me back to status quo? Since these nisyonos are much more frequent and much more severe due to my bad choices. Am I drawing close to hashem in a powerful way through this or is just trying to rectify a terrible mistake that does not get me any closer to him then originally?I ask the Rav for real daas torah. How does the torah and the RBS"O view this. Please do not just tell me what I want to hear unless that is the true daas torah.I thank the Rav for taking the time to listen. I am very grateful!I am terribly ashamed about what I have done but I must know if my learning, teshuva, or Maasim Tovim even matters or am I destined to be burning in gehenom with the likes of anshei sedom, dor hamabul and the alike with no or very little chance to become a true  ben Torah.Since I am too ashamed I will just sign with my user name that GYE gave me.I sign (crying like a baby)Jolly (But I assure the rav I am not jolly at all)

I was very tense waiting for an answer as a drop of hope had entered my heart that Hashem still values me.
I finally received an answer this week at was like sunlight that I had not seen in years.

He said to the person I sent in for an answer:
"Tell him that people like  him are  Tzadikem, a tzadik" (He repeated it a few times for good measure) If they are working on improving and speaking to knowledgable mentors, hashem cherishes them. The nachas he gets  from this is incredible!!

The person I sent then asked him about the fact that I had started when I was a full Bar Daas and was not an oines at all.
Rav Brudny answered:
"Shtusim, Shtusim, Shtusim!!" (craziness)

So ended the conversation.

It was  light in my world again! I can go learn knowing that I am making hashem proud. I can feel like I matter by the RBS"O. He did not give up on me! I can mark my victories as small as they may be. (Bli ayin hara 37 days! For me that is only a pipe dream!)
I know the fight is not over. I face a determined enemy who will keep trying to make me fall. I will keep speaking  to  all the malachim on GYE, masquerading as humans who believed in me even  when I did not! Thank you!

But this is not just me. This is for everyone! Straight from Daas Torah!
Those of us here on GYE and speaking to people  to improve are not regular people, they are tzadikim!
Hashem is proud of us! He loves what we are doing ! He cherishes us! Are there any  more beautiful words to hear then that?!
I am sorry for such a long post. I am just so emotional about this. It changed my life!

With immense love for all the warriors on GYE
Jolly

Jolly, Here is a hug!! A big, meaningful, empathetic, understanding hug. 

Welcome to being able to believe and care about your goodness, welcome to being able to have Rachmanus and kindness and care  and love for yourself. Can’t imagine how that feels. Can’t begin to imagine how bad  it felt until now. 

Here’s another one, 
Chaim

Thank you for sharing that

Now you have me crying too, R' Jolly. Thank you for posting this. Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life!

With love,
iwantlife

jollylemur95 wrote on 27 Nov 2024 16:19:

Thats Jolly Amazing!!!

This is something that everyone need to internalize. Even if they weren't as caught up in the despair. 

We are ALL people who are inherently good. Period. ( even those people that invite me to breakfast and than get to  busy for me.)

Halevai people should be as depressed over the aveira of lashon hara.,

i may have some time for breakfast....

jollylemur95 wrote on 27 Nov 2024 16:19:

there is no greater simcha then the knowledge that hashem still wants you.... now you can be truly jolly....

vehkam wrote on 27 Nov 2024 16:49:

Im always down for breakfast

Oh my dear brother R' Jolly, I have no words to explain the immense pleasure this post brought me.

It's close to 3 months already, that I have come to terms with the fact that I am the rasha that I am, but I'll be happy to be a clean rasha, a rasha who going forward knows how to control himself, and stay clean.

Now finally for a change you have given me a true psak halacha that we really are tzadikim, this is something I really wasn't anticipating, you just blew a breath of fresh air into my lungs, you've given me a new positive approach to conquering this beast. Thanks a million for this post.

With love Akiva[spoiler][/spoiler]

Thank you chevra for such a warm response!
I did not realize how much this post would resonate.