"Sheva Yipol Tzaddik Vkam." Or as Joey Newcomb sings, "You fall down, you get back up..." The YH is definitely stronger in this season. He doesn't want us to come away from the Yomim Noraim stronger. 
In regards to your question, about lacking meaning, is it this struggle, that it's making you feel meaningless? If yes, that's understandable. What you need to do, is separate you, yourself, from the struggle. YOU are a ben torah. YOU are a growing person, looking to be better. Your struggle with p/m is not who you are. It's the YH. It's not you. 
I've also found exercising helps me feel more energetic and alive. I try going for a run daily. 

Thanks for the kind words i dont think its the struggle making me feel meaningless, I think just in general.

Did you ever try talking to someone about that feeling? They may be able to help you understand why you feel that way, and what you can do to change that feeling.

To my dear brother empowered owl!!

Your pain and anguish screams such a large testament to how truly חשוב you are. This battle is hard. But don't for a  minute think that this defines you. The fact that you are here trying so hard to grow is amazing. THAT DEFINES YOU!!! I really can't imagine at your age having the courage to open up on this amazing forum. I am jealous of your courage and so happy for you that you can truly reap the benefits of this GYE site and community during your formative years in ישיבה!

I'm rooting for you with all my heart!!! הצלחה רבה צדיק!!!

empoweredowl90 wrote on 06 Oct 2024 13:25:

אל תשיבנו ריקם מלפניך
please don’t let me feel empty

Well today is tg  day1!! I was wondering if streaks are a good thing for me because i sometimes get to caught up and then fail and go for a few bad days(in the past the streak system has gotten me up to day 43).If you tzaddikim have any thoughts of a better system/method, please let me know i really gain from the comments.Thanks a ton



 

empoweredowl90 wrote on 07 Oct 2024 02:13:

Shalom Brother EmpoweredOwl,

The TaPHSiC Method (guardyoureyes.com)
Maybe give this a read and see if the method speaks to you. 

Kol Tov

empoweredowl90 wrote on 06 Oct 2024 13:25:

hey brother thats so painfull to read, for good advice i guess you should be i ncontact with the big tzadikim here like HHM etc. 
But chizuk could definatly help aswell so i must say alot of times the best things come out of the painfull moments.

2 years ago I had a very long clean streak felt great with myself, awarded myself with a trip to isreal for purim meshulish, and than moitzei purim it happened... i was so down and depressed i couldnt pick myself up.
but because i had to prepare my shiur for when i get back to the states i forced myself to open my gemara kidushin, i was completely spaced out wasnt concentrating and found myself on the wrong daf דף מ... (or so i thought) 

after a few minnutes of looking into space i looked into the gemara (wrong daf of course) and my eyes fell on the mammar chazal לעולם יראה אדם עצמו כאילוי חציו חייב חציו זכאי עבר עבירה אחת אוי לו שהכריע את עצמו ואת כל העולם לכף חוב  and i must say this depression brought me to the most precious chizuk vort coming straight from chaza"l.

you see i was thinking to myself look hashem is showing me that, terrible despicable me was just now the one who caused myself along with the whole world to tilt לכף חוב what a terrible person i am.
but than hashem opened my eyes when a lightning burst into my head... "hey wait a minnute how can the gemara say "לעולם" it should have said 25 minutes ago before i fell not now, now i already tilted the scale, its to late ? aha אלא מאי, לעולם means even a second after falling your still considered חציו" חייב "וחציו" זכאי" this mammer chaza"l is talking before the sin to hold you back from falling but after the sin your back to "חציו וחציו" not כולו חייב.

i must say this gave me such chizuk i got back up and started a new long streak till i fell again... but got back up again.
i also repeated it to my talmidim and alot of very chashuva people everyone loved the vort but i havent foud a mekor for it i`d love to find one if anyone knows of one.

thinking of you brother never give up, hashem never considers us the one who tilted the scale, to the contrary hes telling us that even after a fall your still 50 / 50 so it should be easy to get back up

hatzlacha raba on this increadible fight.
with love, rebakiva (who picked himself up at 40 and never gave up)

Just read your through thread for the first time. Wow!!! What a hero! For some streaks are not necessarily the best idea. There might be an added dimension of pressure, which may cause you to think about the struggle more then you would otherwise. Also, if the goal of your streak is to get to a certain point, once you achieve it, you might be subconsciously thinking about how you have this under control because you were able to maintain cleanliness for a certain period of time. This can in turn lead to feelings of "I have this under control", when in reality, even someone with years of cleanliness under his belt (no pun intended) is never really in control of his YH. Also, falls can have a much more devastating effect on your morale if the goal becomes the streak. The goal shouldn't necessarily be the streak, the streak is a means to an end of a long term goal of a life of cleanliness. The long term goal is to learn how to be מסיח דעת from the YH, not to give him to much credence. For some, a streak can be a motivating factor, but if streaks aren't working for you perhaps it's time to rethink your current מהלך.

If I may be so bold to suggest one. You are a hero for opening up on these forums, do you have what it takes to take the next step and picking up the phone to call one of the skilled and understanding people here? There are some amazing people that have a lot of experience in helping people break free. They will understand you so well and will be able to provide you with tools and strategies that will be helpful in taking your journey to the next level. A good place to start would be HHM. There are others as well that have been very helpful. Read through some threads and find one that resonates and please do yourself a favor and reach out!

amevakesh wrote on 07 Oct 2024 02:51:

HHM is reachable at michelgelner@gmail.com
Hatzlacha!

well,i fell yesterday,i have a vey strong urge but im not gonna give in just in this moment.Instead im going to have amunah in hashem,that this moment is just temporary so i could confidently say today is day1!  

Well today is 2 thank hashem!! on a separate note
I feel like I'm in a spiritual coma(my learning is still good thank hashem).
Ik hashem loves me but i just don't feel it at all.
ik hashem listens to teffilah but i just dont feel it .
Ik hashem controls the world and in particular my life,but i dont feel it.
I could go on but im not going to.I need to be waken up  but i dont know were to go or what to do.
This is a scary thought but i find myself wishing/praying i experience something life changing/shattering to wake me up from this spiritual sleep since it is very painful on the other hand I have a good life so I'm not sure i want anything to change.Another  point i dont think this addiction is the reason(or at least the main reason) for this spiritual coma as i have been clean for over a month and still felt the same.  so if  u tzaddikim have any advice that would be greatly appreciated.Thanks 

From a "sleeping" Bochur.

empoweredowl90 wrote on 10 Oct 2024 02:36:

wow i totaly understand you, I alsomthink alot if times, "why is it that you see these otd or irreligious jews have these fascinating stories of a near death situation like a major accident or a illness etc. that cause them to turn around, yet I who keep hashems commandments just i keep on falling with some bad stuff am not worthy of a wake up call? do i need to fall to rock bottom in order to get that awesome wake up call, that i'm so badly craving for {yes that near death situation, so long as i'll end up being a better jew}?"

I dont have a nswer to that, (& please don't tell me that the reason is because i really am good, nooooo i want to be bettttttttter),
but i did happen to come across a sefer {that moreinu harav r` refael shur recommends} its called "darckei noam" from the current slonimer rebbi, where his shmues for rosh hashana is exactly on this topic, he speaks about the "tefilla achas bashana, aka malchius, zicronos, shofros" basically being the solution.

Now to acheive ehat he`s saying there is actually a madreiga, but the bottom line take out from what he`s saying is easily achievable for anyone, basically the point is like lets say a person is driving on a buisy high way and theres traffic, so you try to get off the first exit, while the guy reporting the traffic on the radio is sitting in the helicopter and is laughing at you, cause he sees that the traffic here is just another high way merging, once you pass that your good to go, but if you get off the exit your going to get yourself into much heavier traffic just further down the road.
same thing here when a person really immerses himself in the high holy days and all it has to offer mainly the tefilos which are full of hashems love to jews each and every one baasher hu shum, the main character in the yomim noruim is efraim who is the symbol of the struggling jew as the darckei noam points out there הבן יקיר לי אפרים, אפרים מתנודד, ובאו האובדים בארץ אשור, etc. so therefore he gets a birds eye view of how his year and life should really look like, so he can then strategize with the right kabbullos for the coming year to guide him in the right direction.

now that really is a wake up call, to get a birds eye view and see the full picture of how it should be, and immersing your self and licking and enjoing every second of hashems love to you is better than anything else in the word, its the real "love" we're all so desperatly looking for

whishing you lots of hatzlacha gmar chasima tova and feeeeeel hashems love towards you      

Thanks for the replay Rabbi akiva yesterday,yesterday was day 3

Hey Tzaddik, keep it up!

Gmar Chasimah Tovah!