Berushus all the Tzaddikim and Talmedi Chacham on this forum.I wright this with glimmer of hope maybe this is the end of the road!           
Here is my story......I got involved with these inyanim at the age of 12(Porn, masturbation).I had access to many unfiltered devices for over 4 years were my addiction got worse and worse and worse............I tried everything from kenas to fliters to reaching out to experts but i saw no long term success.
  A little bit about how everyone else viewed me.I was the perfect bochur a very clever mind and in truth a big masmid a budding talmud chachum,I learnt with guys way older then me,Rosh Yeshivis sons,Rabbis.I was the guy that if you have a kasha on the gemera i got asked.A very social guy friends with everyone.
I looked like i had everything,but i feel like i have nothing, on the inside I'm crushed and destroyed.
One of the things that upset me the most is it feel like hashem has giving up on me.The famous gemera in kidushin says someone that goes to purify oneself hashem helps them. I have the strongest kasha on that Gemera I have tried to purify myself countless times just to name a few attempts filtering my phone calling experts throwing out many devices etc......And i dont see the siyata  dismaya the gemera talkes about at all........???!!!
That all being said I know that hashem is still there waiting for me to come to him(even though i think i have tried and got refused).
And that hashem is still my loving father even though i don't feel it..


whishing everyone hatzlacha From a struggling Bochur.

בָּא לִטַּמֵּא — פּוֹתְחִין לוֹ. בָּא לִטָּהֵר — מְסַיְּיעִין אוֹתוֹ. תָּנָא דְּבֵי רַבִּי יִשְׁמָעֵאל: מָשָׁל לְאָדָם שֶׁהָיָה מוֹכֵר נֵפְטְ וַאֲפַרְסְמוֹן,
בָּא לִמְדּוֹד נֵפְטְ, אוֹמֵר לוֹ: מְדוֹד אַתָּה לְעַצְמְךָ. בָּא לִמְדּוֹד אֲפַרְסְמוֹן, אוֹמֵר לוֹ: הַמְתֵּן לִי עַד שֶׁאֶמְדּוֹד עִמְּךָ, כְּדֵי שֶׁנִּתְבַּסֵּם אֲנִי וְאַתָּה.

(www.sefaria.org/Yoma.38b.16?lang=bi&with=all&lang2=en)

Beloved mashal, first read it in Likutei Moharan I:6. Perhaps now that you've joined forces with GYE, where others can share in your success, the waiting is over. (though that doesn't mean the work is over)

OUCH! Even after reading so many stories so much like yours, it still hurts to read. My friend, stick around! There is so much to gain here, but at the core of it all is HOPE. So many of us have come here in situations similar to yours, and we have learned how to beat this monster. Read some threads, check out the F2F program, and beH you'll soon learn the power that lies in this place. 
Looking forward to seeing you trucking!
Eerie

Thanks for the replay, will
definitely check it out.

empoweredowl90 wrote on 16 Sep 2024 16:56:

you did not get refused.  very often, people in your circumstances pasken for themselves that they are a rasha.  This is a trick out of the yetzer hara's playbook and it is not true at all.  As soon as you recognize in yourself that you are really a mevakesh to do ratzon hashem despite your perceived failings, it will become much easier to connect to hashem and resist this yetzer hara.

wishing you tremendous hatzlocha
vehkam

empoweredowl90 wrote on 16 Sep 2024 16:56:

We will all tell you your not a rasha. dont think youll believe us. Reach out to HHM

empoweredowl90 wrote on 16 Sep 2024 16:56:

Hey welcome!

Coming to purify oneself doesn't necessarily mean getting filters and throwing out devices. That's a good thing, but tahara means returning to Hashem. Throwing out devices and demanding G-d remove your yetzer hara is not that. (Check out this post and the replies for a similar discussion on why our tefillos are unanswered).

That's assuming you're right that Hashem didn't help you. I'm inclined to bet you were just not expecting the help you got. Regardless of what happened, right now is a chance to move forward. Hatzlacha!

Stick around. Learn how to fight with chachma and I have no doubts you'll see immense siyatta dishmaya.

Welcome to GYE. Do the F2F program and you will find ways to win this battle. You haven't yet learned the right techniques to win but as you go through the program you will find the help from Hashem that you are seeking. It is also worth reading the book The Battle of the Generation which many on GYE are regularly reading. You can access the book here:
https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation
There is a download button for a pdf of the book at the bottom of the page if you prefer that over the audiobook.

Keep on posting and sharing, read some threads and make friends.

Welcome! 

Your contradictory feelings of how you view yourself and how others viewed you, are very relatable. However, I got to learn that the way I viewed myself, wasn't the real me. It was the wrong actions that I took, but they don't have to define me as a person. And by working through those challenges, you'll eventually be able to embrace your true self along with all the great accomplishments you made in other fields beyond the battle. 

Kol yom bas kol yotzeis mehar chorev... Hakadosh Baruch Hu never gives up on us. We might interpret it as rejection, but he's still waiting for us to give it another sincere shot. It's hard work, but His door remains open. 

Wishing you much hatzlacha on your journey, and yes, this might just be the end of the road! 

- Yiftach'l 

Shalom Brother and welcome!

I read your post yesterday and thought of you while saying אַשְׁרֵי

פּוֹתֵחַ אֶת יָדֶךָ וּמַשְׂבִּיעַ לְכָל חַי רָצוֹן - You open Your hand and satisfy every living thing [with] its desire.

If your רָצוֹן is to get close to Hashem, truly, then קָרוֹב ה' לְכָל קֹרְאָיו לְכֹל אֲשֶׁר יִקְרָאֻהוּ בֶאֱמֶת - Hashem is near to all who call Him, to all who call Him with sincerity. So how can it be that we get rejected?!

צַדִּיק ה' בְּכָל דְּרָכָיו וְחָסִיד בְּכָל-מַעֲשָׂיו - Hashem is righteous in all His ways and kind in all His deeds.
The reason that Hashem doesn't give us what we want is because He is righteous and kind. What he gives us it better than what we want. The way he gives it to us is better than how we wanted it.

We don't stumble through life, tripping and falling purely out of metzius. All of our challenges are for our ultimate betterment. If we seek to overcome a challenge and are met with resistance, then that can mean we have more potential for growth in this area. 

A teacher will apply extra pressure to the student that has the highest potential, because this is what will bring out his latent talent and give him the chance to shine. It is Hashem's kindness that he does not let our opportunity to achieve greatness go to waste. 

Hashem loves you. He loves you to bits. He's not rejecting you or your efforts CV. He's telling you that you are special and that there is a level that you haven't gotten to yet. He wants you to reach higher and knows that you are capable of getting there. Hashem doesn't want you to walk easily through life and never recognize that with some additional effort, you could have learned how to run.

A coal can't become a diamond without applying a lot of pressure. Stay strong, keep trying, and you will emerge precious and brilliant.

​Hatzlacha

Hashgacha, I learned this last night.

If you have a chance, check out Alei Shor cheilek sheini (perek shevii - kas or savlanus) page 217, the 2nd to last paragraph.

He talks about exactly this - feelings of resentment towards Hashem because we tried to do something good and didn't see siyata diShmaya.

Kol Tov

I want to first and foremost thank all the Chevra for responding. The past week has been very rough for me really sinking low to the shmuts of the internet. That being said I'm not throwing in the towel like i have sadly done in the past.Im gonna go strong and with hashems help get my goal that i have been dreaming about for years of 90 days(my personal best is 45 days).Thank hashem today is day 1.
I will keep you guys updated.Im looking forward to hearing from you guys!

From a slightly less struggling Bochur.

Hi,just an update today is day 2 Tg.

empoweredowl90 wrote on 24 Sep 2024 02:36:



Hi, I feel your pain! 

I started a thread called 'Its not fair'! I asked there a very similar question! 
If you want to read it and cry with me, go right ahead. 
I didn't necessarily get any answers but it may take years to get an answer. 
I learned many years ago, that whenever you are learning a sugya or come across a rashi and you don't understand it, put it in the back of your mind, and over the years you will get answers to these questions. 
I have dozens of hashkafa questions that approximately once a year, I'll clap my hands really loudly in the car and say 'YES'. The wife wants to know what's going on and I tell her, "I just thought of an answer to the question on why rashi in kedoshim says.....now it makes sense"

There's nothing wrong with having a question. 
Move on in life and who knows if you will one day maybe find an answer to your question. 

But don't let it stop you from SHTEIGING!!!! 

I hear where you are coming from, but it is so hard to fight every day, when you have questions/doubts.Today is day 3 thanks so much!!!