Totally get that. Did you ever try to talk it out with someone? In general, whe it comes to "bu letaher mesayin lo", it does not mean that we will get a burst of enthusiasm and have it easy. We are going to have to work through the nisayon and there is also kol haschalos kashos as well. In my experience, I would actually have the worst things happen to me whenever I made any significant progress. It would infuriate me to no end. To some extent I realized that this would help concretize and strengthen my commitment at the beginning when it was strongest. When some hiccup came up later, it was much easier to overcome. That doesnt mean its not super frustrating. Sorry your going through this. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and its not the train.

Totally get that. Did you ever try to talk it out with someone? In general, when it comes to "bu letaher mesayin lo", it does not mean that we will get a burst of enthusiasm and have it easy. We are going to have to work through the nisayon and there is also kol haschalos kashos as well. In my experience, I would actually have the worst things happen to me whenever I made any significant progress. It would infuriate me to no end. To some extent I realized that this would help concretize and strengthen my commitment at the beginning when it was strongest. When some hiccup came up later, it was much easier to overcome. That doesnt mean its not super frustrating. Sorry your going through this. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and its not the train.

Hi i do understand, the concept of kol haschalos kashos but its been 4 years Im not in the beginning stage anymore. In addition I have actually spoke to a tremendous talmud chacam and Rav about bu letar oso mesayin lo,he told me he hears and he isn't completely sure,what the answere is.

From a trying bochur. 

empoweredowl90 wrote on 25 Sep 2024 16:50:

Shalom Brother,

Some (many) of our questions don't get answers. Even the ones that do, they aren't always satisfying or helpful.
Why do children die?
Why did the Holocaust happen?
Why do I get smacked in the face every time I push myself to do the right thing?

If your struggles are causing you to doubt G-d, then I don't have answers to your questions. Bu letar oso mesayin lo - if we are doing coming to purify ourselves in the proper way, then we are getting help. It might not be help the way we want it / see it. It is G-d level help.

Some have decades of questions. One breaks free with seemingly little effort and after only a short time, while his friend gets beaten down by it time and again for years, no matter how hard he tries. Perhaps you could reach out to some of the more seasoned members here, those that have seen journeys from start to finish, and they might have something meaningful to share with you from the trenches.

Kol tov and wishing you hatzlacha in figuring this out.


**there is an eerie voice in my head saying "I don't have answers to give you, I wish I did, but I can offer you sympathy, understanding, and hope"

Wow it's sounds really hard. I remember being single in Yeshiva and it was extremely difficult. Most times I didn't feel I had the tools to deal with it. 
I started a thread to discuss it and I didn't really get any concrete solutions. 
Feel free to take a read through it. 

One thing I could recommend is to set yourself a learning goal that you absolutely don't break. 
Meaning, even if you fall in your nisyonos, you will go back to the beis mederash and work on your goal. And even if you go back to your dorm at night and fail another test, it won't stop you from going back to working on your learning goal. 
I did this when I was in yeshiva and although it had no effect on my nisyonos, I still was able to accomplish because in those years, I stayed focused on my learning goals. 


Wishing you tremendous hatzlacha in your journey. 
I don't have answers but feel free to reach out if you need sympathy. 

All the best
ODYOSSEFCHAI

Thanks for the replays it gives me much chizzuk

HI today is day 4 thanks so much everyone. Getting a little harder could use a friend to speak to, feel lonely.And the truth is i feel empty not sure y im doing everthing hashem wants, and still feel a gaping hole inside of me.

My friend, you can email me at the email in my signature. I'll send you my google voice number. Reach out, to someone. Hold on dear friend!

I messaged you in case you need someone to talk with. 
I've found this song to be especially inspiring and holds me up:

mostlymusic.com/products/mendy-worch-chaim-ghoori-yidden-single?srsltid=AfmBOoqqkOMEZX-Ejg8KoG_07fCluNFUcd7ruSdxc_lM7msMvdq09Y8R

I must've listened to it 30 times in the last 2 days!

i really want to give in but i know that's only going to hurt me more, the goal is 90 soooooo.........I need to rant just because I'm really lonely.........what im i supposed to do I'm 18 and marriage is so far away,i have done everthing to find meaning and would love to have a relationship with hashem but i just don't seem to feel anything and i know that he is there and loves me but due to my porn and masturbation addiction ,i think i suppressed and constantly ignored all my emotions, and now i never really feel any real emotions besides sadness, I do get a geshmak from learning gemera but that honestly just doesn't seem to last long after Seider
Im not sure why i cant just be grateful i have a great life amazing family and good friends my learning skills are amazing learn with much older guys .......and do enjoy it. .
But im going to push through or at least die trying.....I know hashem is there and i just need to let him in i know that he only does what's best for me always every minute and every second every day week month and year but emotionally i feel NOTHING NO GREATFULNESS TO HASHEM FOR ALL THE GREAT THINGS HE HAS DONE FOR ME ONLY FRUSTRATION.
I want to end of with a prayer to hashem and ask that i should replace my desires for porn and masturbation to a never-ending love for hashem my amazing father that is rooting for my success.

from a dejected Bochur..  

Thanks for all the replies they honestly mean the world!!!!! my private messages are blocked for the next 21 days #whywatch 
anyway i will stay imyh stay strong especially with you guys responses soooooo keep them coming

Such a heilige rant! 
Rabbi Lawrence Keleman has an amazing story of the miraculmiraculous survival of his than baby son. When he recounts the story, he recalls a poignant moment in the saga, which really describes exactly how you feel.
He stepped into a corner at ShaShaare Tzedek hospital to daven shachris, in midilemma of the battle for his sons life. And all he felt was nothing. He felt like the line was severed. Zero connection. Almost like Hashem didn't care. In retrospect while he was davening everything was actually falling into place to save his child!
He asked his Rebbi about it. 
If I recall correctly his Rebbi answered we dont know much about Hashems infinite ways and why he does things in a specific manner. But we know that Hashem is hidden, and Hashem wants us to daven to him. And Hashem performs his greatest miracles when he is deeply hidden. You went to daven and felt Hashem was completely gone. You felt like he simply closed the doors. But it was that moment that Hashem went into complete hiding in order to perform the greatest miracle of saving your child's life!

Hold on tight! Even if you feel like Hashem is so hidden. He is there, listening to this rant and to our every cry, and Bezras Hashem He is performing miracles for each and every one of us.

Keep strong!

wow wow Thanks so much that story really touched me.For some reason i often dream about having a good shmona esrei and having a heart full prayer.Then i get to shmona esrei and i have no words i cant focus for more then a few seconds and often skip many words,and feel nothing almost as if(it really really upsets and hurts me and hashem should already forgive me but...) im wasting my time CHAS VASHOLOM..........any ways I'm just lost at sea trying to find hashem and build a REAL RELATIONSHIP  .....but at the moment im not succeeding.......but at least trying sooo......HASHEM IS LOOKIND DOWN SMILING AT HIS CHILDREN GRASPING FOR KEDUSHA(at least i hope lol)
anyway good night tzadikiim!

empoweredowl90 wrote on 25 Sep 2024 16:50:

Hey, I am so sorry to hear. That is super rough. If your still in the fight after 4 years you are definitely fighting and helping yourself out, that takes real gvura, maybe that is part of the siyua. I dont know thats really rough. Hashem should help you see the end soon!

I once heard a pshat why moshiach was born on Tisha B'av but I don't remember it.