Tonight is the eve of day 90 of cleanliness for me. It feels like lifetime ago that I started this streak. Not because it went by painfully slow, it didn't, but because I feel like I have lived an entirely different life for the past 90 days.

My first 90 day streak, which I completed around this same time last year, was similar to the effect that I began to live a new life, a life of freedom from lust with all the joys and advantages that freedom gave me. But I was still missing something. I had absolved myself of lust, but I felt it's absence in my life. I didn't need it anymore, but I hadn't moved on from it. We were separated, but not divorced. But this time around, I'm not just living lust free, I am living a full-life. I don't miss porn, I don't miss lusting over woman, I don't miss fantasizing about sexual escapes, but rather I  feel so fortunate and grateful to be able to live  a life of fullness without all of that garbage. 

What changed this time? I'm mulling this over..  I'm not sure, but one thing I am sure about: My dear GYE family as a whole lot to do with it and I have no words to describe my love and appreciation for all of you!!! Thank you so much for everything! You guys picked me up when I fell and led me to a place of such serenity. I can't even begin to thank you enough!!! Hashem should continue to bentch everyone on this amazing site to keep on inspiring, and keep on being inspired! THANK YOU!!!

Tonight is the eve of day 90 of cleanliness for me. It feels like lifetime ago that I started this streak. Not because it went by painfully slow, it didn't, but because I feel like I have lived an entirely different life for the past 90 days.

My first 90 day streak, which I completed around this same time last year, was similar to the effect that I began to live a new life, a life of freedom from lust with all the joys and advantages that freedom gave me. But I was still missing something. I had absolved myself of lust, but I felt it's absence in my life. I didn't need it anymore, but I hadn't moved on from it. We were separated, but not divorced. But this time around, I'm not just living lust free, I am living a full-life. I don't miss porn, I don't miss lusting over woman, I don't miss fantasizing about sexual escapes, but rather I  feel so fortunate and grateful to be able to live  a life of fullness without all of that garbage. 

What changed this time? I'm mulling this over..  I'm not sure, but one thing I am sure about: My dear GYE family as a whole lot to do with it and I have no words to describe my love and appreciation for all of you!!! Thank you so much for everything! You guys picked me up when I fell and led me to a place of such serenity. I can't even begin to thank you enough!!! Hashem should continue to bentch everyone on this amazing site to keep on inspiring, and keep on being inspired! THANK YOU!!!

Tonight is the eve of day 90 of cleanliness for me. It feels like lifetime ago that I started this streak. Not because it went by painfully slow, it didn't, but because I feel like I have lived an entirely different life for the past 90 days.

My first 90 day streak, which I completed around this same time last year, was similar to the effect that I began to live a new life, a life of freedom from lust with all the joys and advantages that freedom gave me. But I was still missing something. I had absolved myself of lust, but I felt it's absence in my life. I didn't need it anymore, but I hadn't moved on from it. We were separated, but not divorced. But this time around, I'm not just living lust free, I am living a full-life. I don't miss porn, I don't miss lusting over woman, I don't miss fantasizing about sexual escapes, but rather I  feel so fortunate and grateful to be able to live  a life of fullness without all of that garbage. 

What changed this time? I'm mulling this over..  I'm not sure, but one thing I am sure about: My dear GYE family has a whole lot to do with it and I have no words to describe my love and appreciation for all of you!!! Thank you so much for everything! You guys picked me up when I fell and led me to a place of such serenity. I can't even begin to thank you enough!!! Hashem should continue to bentch everyone on this amazing site to keep on inspiring, and keep on being inspired! THANK YOU!!!

Until now I have shared MY story. Today I want to focus on the OTHER SIDE of the story.


I entered marriage in a pretty decent place in many areas, but I walked in with a secret teddy bear. This teddy bear (read: porn) would stay hidden, and only be brought out to keep me company if my wife was:


A.  Not available.


B.  Not turning me on for whatever reason (all self-inflicted reasons caused by not realistic expectations for her to be as hot and seductive as a p*** star, while also being as frum and edile as the amazing bas yisrael girl which she is).


C.  Not fulfilling my needy emotional needs which somehow watching porn did, at least for the few minutes of watching, and then somehow magically leave me lonelier than before.





Thankfully this teddy bear has stayed hidden (I hope) but its ramifications have not. This teddy bear I thought was my own problem, but Baruch Hashem through much work I think I can now fully understand that this was actually more my wife's problem than mine. Meaning she was the victim of my problem. I really do think that my wife and I have a beautiful marriage. We care about each other, we support each other, we laugh together, and we cry together. I believe I am a good husband. BUT (and this is a painful thing to admit), my lusting has definitely affected my marriage. And I want to fix it so badly.





Why do I have to get down (and show it, dammit) when I realize that sex is not going to happen tonight?





Why does every hug need to be a full body hug?





Why can't I talk to her like a normal person without my mind thinking about the chances of sex that night?





Why can't I truly focus on only her needs?





BECAUSE I HAVE A PROBLEM! [Feel free to define it, but please give a solution too]!





My DW is perfect, and I have an issue that I want to fix so badly FOR HER SAKE!!





Each year my shortfalls in ענייני קדושה took center stage in my mind and my tefillos during this season. I beat myself up, I cried. I wanted to be clean so badly. But perhaps the focus over MY kedusha was the very problem itself. WHY DIDN"T I EVER THINK ABOUT MY POOR WIFE?!?! Was she not the victim here?!?





Hashem, I have no words to thank you in helping get free from my own biggest enemy. Over the last year and a half I have made great strides. PLEASE, PLEASE, let this be an impetus to become a great husband this next year.

menuchashanefesh9 wrote on 30 Sep 2024 17:06:

I want to update the Oilam on this part of my journey. I will keep it brief as I don't feel it is super appropriate to be sharing all of this but being that its a huge part of the ex-porn watching journey I want to share somewhat of an update.

As much as I believe that lusting affected my marriage in a detrimental way for so many years that's how much it has improved since I stopped being a lust machine.

I do not view my wife as a sex provider any longer, but rather as a life partner in every detail of our lives who often celebrate that closeness with a very intimate act of love and partnership.

Therefore, when she is tired or not in the mood, I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX, as that act of sex is empty and not exciting. Recently, I succumbed and we (read: I) had sex for my sake and it left me feeling yucky for a full day.

I have noticed that I started giving her hugs when SHE needs them, not when I (read my  *****) wants to. She seems happy and loved after I hug her, not desperately gasping for air. 

She seems more relaxed in my presence. As if she could enjoy my company without worrying about any expectation for anything. 

I think the list goes on but I think this is enough as it captures the overall shift. 

One last message for that darn porn industry- thank you for showing me how empty sex could be so I could now appreciate what it actually is supposed to be! And now please get the hell out our lives for good!