I think I may still be nervous to discuss this with my kids. I think I need to worlk more to strenghten myself.



Well....
I need to do that anyway.

138eagle wrote on 30 Jul 2024 18:53:

Love it! Feeling unready and unsure, know I need to do it anyways, so let's go. 
I left the shemiras einayim sefer Enlighten Our Eyes around while I was learning it. My oldest son asked what it was and I explained. He saw me learning from it around the house for a while. As you've conveyed, when we work on ourselves it has an effect on everyone that we're connected to.

Oh Boy!

I got myself a copy of The Battle of The Generation and started reading it.
So far so good.





I had a few talks with Hashem Help Me.
He definetely believes in me. (Maybe more than I believe in myself)
He demands a lot of me.
I get what he is saying. I hear him loud and clear. It resonates with me and makes a lot of sense. I even feel it inside.
However, I do not feel like I can do it.....








Yet.

Why didn’t the eagle cross the road? Because he felt like a chicken.
Terrible joke.
anyway you miss out a lot on life being a chicken furthermore being a chicken means you’re a tasty dinner for other people to snack on metaphorically speaking of course so let the eagle be an eagle and the chicken be dinner. 

It's normal to feel hesitant, unsure, unconfident, skeptical. But as the baby eagle (not chicken) tries to fly it's reluctant, will she be able to do this? Her mom tells her darling, follow my lead, you’ve got this.

HHM and the boys, know that you’ve got this, and you can do this.

Keep plowing forward and NEVER look back because you aren't going that way.

Just read through your thread; 138eagle I felt your pain, and now I feel your hope. Also I have to ask, your streak is a whopping 147 days! Incredible! So what, exactly, do you feel you cannot do?

138eagle wrote on 01 Aug 2024 15:11:

As iwantlife said, what do you feel you cannot do?
And, maybe more importantly, why do you feel you can't do it? 
And what do you think is going to change that made you say "yet"?

"The man who keeps saying it can't be done should stop interrupting the man who is doing it"
           - I don't know where this quote is actually from, but its been generically called a Chinese proverb. Everything comes from China these days.

I sometimes struggle with self-doubt, but honestly the reality of my life experience contradicts the voice in my head that tries to tell me otherwise. I'm getting better at ignoring the insecurity and even when it's hard, I keep doing my thing.

Hatzlacha

So for all those that are concered for me (I think that is all of you here)
I am struggling with the step of owning up to my wife about my behaviour to her in the bedroom and how I will stop it.

So yes, I am having a hard time with this. But I know I need to do this (for me, for her and for my sanity). I think that I can say that I wil be able to do it soon after another few calls with HHM and after I get more clarity on the issue.

Thank you all for caring and encouraging.

I heard an interesting thought yesterday from Rav Ephraim Wachsman. We as Yidden are like strong walls. The פסוק in שיר השירים says אני חומה. A wall keeps things separate. What is inside remains inside and protected, and what is outside remains outside and cannot come in to affect the inside.
The worls we live in is a world where all boundaries are broken and open. (See my earlier post from this past week's פרשה from Rav Chaim Shmulevitz).
The internet is a place that is defined by WWW. It is a World Without Walls.

We need to make sure our walls are strong.

Thank you everyone for reaching out and making the connection to me. Also thank you for the constant chizuk that I am getting from all of you.

To follow up on some chizuk from last week. I appreciate the push from those that chimed in about talking to my kids about the battle that we face each day and not making it a big deal at the moment and not being scared to bring it up.

So with that in mind, I opened it up this week at the table. I spoke about the soldies returning from the war with מדין and giving the jewelry that they took from the women of מדין to the משכן. How they went to war and did not have any improper thoughts even when they were taking jewelery from the women. This grew into a discussion of the challenges that face us and the opportunities that this gives us to be מקדש שם שמים.

Just being here is extremely increasing my self esteem.

151 days! 5 full months!!
Thank You Chevra for your encouragement and support!!

As the eagle takes to the heavens, soaring higher than the highest atmosphere, it is buoyed up into flying higher by those other glorious birds that it connects with and passes on my flight.

The one that goes by the simple name of Muttel, underneath the simplicity lies a glorious leader tirelessly toiling for all to bring all those eagles to fly to higher heights. Our flight together in the misty skies brings strength to the eagle that is testing its wings and beginning to fly.

יהי רצון that this connection that was created and cemented be a continued friendship lifting all of us higher and higher.

From there the eagle flew to the magical territory of the one with a Red flame burning in his face, on whose vision transcends all boundaries of time and space. Your far-reaching and burning vision of tirelessly working to bring all to fly to the highest spheres buoys us all to fly higher.

יהי רצון that we continue to inspire each other to fly higher and higher.

Chevra
It was really great to see you!!

An update where I am holding.

With much thanks to the chevra who I have spoken to and met over the past week and a half. I have made further progress. Your caring warmth and encouragement is unbelievable!! I could not do this without all of you!!

A little more than a week ago I posted here that I was not ready to move further in my journey.

HHM’s caring transcends all boundaries and time restraints.

He believed believes in me and is pushing me to rewire my brain and my outlook to life and intimacy. I have begun to accept his guidance and with his encouragement I have started to do the work that is required of me. I had a long hard talk with my wife opening up my mistakes to her (not my story, she would not be able to handle that), but my general outlooks on life and intimacy that lead me to make these mistakes.

I will be working on correcting those mistakes as soon as possible in order to start my new life.

Our Rebbi, HHM wrote on Feb 27, 2017 the following

When people join GYE, they think they came to stop sinning. Those who are ready to shvitz a little, learn they are here to begin living.

With the help and encouragement of the chevra, I was shvitzing last night after this conversation and I am ready to shvitz more…… and to live!

Flying Higher!

I had a hard day yesterday at home. A lot of things with a lot of pressure going on. I was feeling very upset and down on myself.

In the past this would have been a trigger for me. When I felt that I was lost, I would feel alone and would look for something to fill myself with. Especially, when feeling lost and lonely, I would feel especially drawn to fantasize and to act out as that was also a lonely place. However, now, just the knowledge that I am not alone in this battle already gives me the strength to not go to anywhere in my mind that is not a good place.

Thank You to all of you for being the most wonderful support group possible. Just by being there I know you have my back.