heyyou wrote on 16 Jul 2024 19:39:

Thank you. That's wonderful BH!

Do you still feel fulfilled in your Kollel?

Thank you Hashem that our wives are not porn stars! How terrible that would be! The appetite is never satisfied. Whatever it wants now, as soon as if feeds it will be after the next thing. Forever wanting.
Don't taint the beautiful and pure intimacy with your wife by desiring that it should be all lust and no real connection.

They are normal urges, and even though we know they are poison, we want to have them none the less and even more. 
Appreciate your wife and appreciate yourself.

The YH has a lot of weapons and tricks. We have some of our own. Hopefully you will explore the options that have worked for others here and see what works best for you to counter him.

So hard.
I can identify with looking for the loophole on my filter; I am on my 4th filter. With each one, I spend a few months breaking through, trying to block the breakthroughs, then finding some excuse to tell my wife "I think this one is slowing my computer, lets switch". But then finding the loopholes in the next one...

First of all, welcome to the forums. Wow! One and a half years of not acting out is impressive. But what I find even more impressive is that you’re hitting rock bottom while still on top. Yours is classic story which unfortunately doesn’t usually end the way yours will. It usually goes something like this. Exposed to P&M as a Bachur, gets married, swears it off with intention never to repeat, successful for a few months or a year or two, relapse, is caught by wife (or not), swears it off again, is successful for some time, but eventually falls back to where he was in the beginning. Amazing that you are reaching out before the fall that usually comes for people that haven’t learnt how to internally heal. 

By coming here to GYE you will learn how to fight this beast smarter not harder. You’ve been eating yourself up for things that are probably not even really your fault. There are so many people here that can help you out with sound advice that will help you heal and recover. The YH thrives on isolating you from the rest of the world, making you think that you’re the only one that deals with these issues. You are not alone. There are many holy people with genuine יראת שמים that are willing to help you out, over the phone or in person. They will care for you, will never judge you or think you’re weird, they will understand you and most importantly they will become your friend. They have been where you are right now, and look back at that תקופה in their life as a thing of the past. That doesn’t mean that they’re done with the YH,  he will never go away, but they have him in a place where they control him and not vice versa. It is a powerful feeling that infuses one with serenity and מנוחת הנפש and gives one the ability to focus on the real things going on in your life. Your wife, children, working out issues (yes, there will still be issues, but you will be able to work on them with a clear mind). You can recover from all these unwanted urges and voices in your head. 

One of the many people you might want to reach out to goes by the name HHM. He has help hundreds of people successfully heal internally, and given them tool that really help. There are others as well, but he is a great place to start. Hatzlacha Rabbah on your journey of changing yourself from one who is valiantly fighting the YH by white knuckling through the challenges he throws your way, to one who knows how to successfully and calmly manage the urges which will decrease in severity and frequency as time goes on.

Couldn't agree more!
I'll only add that HHM - Hashem Help Me - is reachable at michelgelner@gmail.com

Please, I beg you, get in touch with him. It will save you a tremendous amount of עגמת נפש, and change your life for the good!

Welcome aboard!!