Hi all my name is ..... I'm a chasidishe yingerman from Brooklyn, age 24 and here's my story.

Ever since  my body matured (at about age 14) I've been suffering from masterbation, Thankfully I did not have access to porn, although I did sometimes get access to pictures of immodest women etc which have been a real trigger, but mostly it was just S*X Fantasy in bed which led to masterbation. 

As the years past by the fantasy was getting more and more severe based on what I saw and learned about women and s*x.

As most here probably understand, I lived my life full of guilt and alone, with the heavy wait of a massive secret on my shoulders always scared that it will somehow leak out, when a rosh yeshive once pressed me to the wall if something going on, I just brushed it away by saying I have מחשבות זרות (bad thoughts), and he just told me to think about learning etc, but it didn't help much.

Thankfully I was still able to be present in yeshiva as a good boy, and learned the most I can, which led that at the age of 18 I got engaged to a great girl and then got Married B"H, now at 24 I'm very haply married with 3 kids Ke"h.

Just like everyone I thought that getting married will solve all my problems, and it did, but for just a few months. As a free married man things got worse in some sense, I got access to porn a few times, although it did a lot of damage it was not any permanent access thing. but the masterbation and fantasy started again, but this time even worse, as a married man i knew much more, as a married man, just those few times seeing porn was enough to not be happy enough with my wife (in terms of s*x), even though my wife did whatever she needed to, but since porn is fake, the real will never be as good...

This held on for a few years until Jan of 2023, my wife confronted me that she knows I'm masterbating, and that if I do it on my own why do I need her... I was shocked and broken by her saying it, and after a long hard conversation i told her everything that I'm suffering that I never told anyone before. She was very good about it, telling me that she'll stand by my side whatever I need.

I then found GYE took the first 3 lessens on Flight to freedom but it wasn't needed, My wife confronting me was enough to make me stop masterbating, that I'm clean till today.

Victory! Right? over a year and clean.


But, For the first year I'd say, it was victory, but as time is proggresing, things are starting to fall apart, my urges are starting to get stronger, I'm starting to fantasize again, (up until masterbating, as I'm clean) and I'm looking for that enjoyment again, I have a different life in my head that's not letting me live.

I look for phots and clips of immodest women, I find every loophole hole in my filter to do that, and its only getting worse. even basic things like holding my 4 year old daughter on my lap will trigger me, and I'm constantly living in a fear that the person living in my brain, which that persons number 1 objective is to have s*x with some p*rn star or model, will act out in real life. or to make it more simple I'll fall again after so long clean.


1 of the main things that made me realize that I'm not healed, was an email that GYE sent of someone's life story and he mentioned Chat-lines. I never called one of those but It triggered me so badly that I almost Googled it and called, Thank Hashem I was able to hold myself back.

Now I live a life I hate, finding every opportunity to calm my urges by watching bad stuff (the fine line till porn) and fantasizing.

I'm here to take advice on how to really heal, I should be able to sit by my computer and not be scared i'll fly away somewhere, being able to be clean even without my wife watching on me. being able to walk on the street without laying eyes on every women (yes, even the ugly ones). etc etc

awaiting the responses of everyone here

Hey You,
You've come to the right place. Over 1.5 years without M is a tremendous accomplishment.

When you say you have a life you hate, can you elaborate? Do you hate this battle, or does it expand beyond that?
Your journey should be with hatzlacha

heyyou wrote on 16 Jul 2024 19:00:

Bh you are in the right place.  Please get yourself a copy of the book, the battle of the generation.  

Thanks @benHashembh for making me aware to clarify.

I b"h have a great life in general, A great wife Bueatifull kids and a good family, I also don't have any problems with money, as my wife has a good job/business and my father in law has money and helps me.

I'm b'h 5+ years in kollel, (is that a part of the problem, could be but I don't want to focus on that)

The word hate was just to bring out how strongly this battle is effecting my life, enough to put all this good in somewhat shadow and my mind is only busy with this.

heyyou wrote on 16 Jul 2024 19:00:

Hey welcome! You're in the right place. I can completely relate to the actions and mindset you're describing. 

Good news is, there's hope. 

Maybe try completing the rest of the F2F program, there are some very helpful tools you can pick up to help with fantasizing. As Vehkam mentioned, learn through The Battle of the Generation and find the greater joy of being clean. Finally, the greatest resource on GYE is the chevra. If and when you feel comfortable, pick up the phone and connect to some of the amazing chevra here.

I think the term you might be looking for is the difference between being "sober" and "recovering". You got a shot in the arm of powerful external motivation, and that changed your external actions. But when that motivation starting wearing off, and you started letting lust in through the cracks, you saw that you were the same lusting guy. Perhaps you didn't "recover" - you didn't make the internal changes needed in order to heal.
Absolutely not knocking the changes you made. A year+ of being free from masturbation is huuuuuge, and shows immense strength of character. Now is the time to finish the job.

Hatzlacha and keep on trucking!

heyyou wrote on 16 Jul 2024 19:39:

Thank you. That's wonderful BH!
The YH wants us to feel like we are worth less, then he can convince us to do things that are lesser. You have a beautiful life. Let that light cast away his shadow. Urges are normal, and a part of the challenge that Hashem has given us. It's our job to fight, and as long as we keep trying, He will help us to succeed.

Do you still feel fulfilled in your Kollel?

What gives you chizuk? The way to combat thoughts isn't to try and not have them, it's to push them out immediately by thinking of something else.

What additional gedarim can you implement to try and avoid the bad things that you are watching?

Thank you Hashem that our wives are not porn stars! How terrible that would be! The appetite is never satisfied. Whatever it wants now, as soon as if feeds it will be after the next thing. Forever wanting.
Don't taint the beautiful and pure intimacy with your wife by desiring that it should be all lust and no real connection.

They are normal urges, and even though we know they are poison, we want to have them none the less and even more. 
Appreciate your wife and appreciate yourself.

The YH has a lot of weapons and tricks. We have some of our own. Hopefully you will explore the options that have worked for others here and see what works best for you to counter him.

So hard.
I can identify with looking for the loophole on my filter; I am on my 4th filter. With each one, I spend a few months breaking through, trying to block the breakthroughs, then finding some excuse to tell my wife "I think this one is slowing my computer, lets switch". But then finding the loopholes in the next one...

"The best filter is the one you don't test" - Dov

Welcome, dear chasidishe brother from Brooklyn,

You are in the right place with the right mindset. You sound like a wonderful person. You can do this, hang around here and connect with the oilem. There’s nothing more in the world than like true friends, and this is where you’ll find it.

Wishing you much luck,

First of all, welcome to the forums. Wow! One and a half years of not acting out is impressive. But what I find even more impressive is that you’re hitting rock bottom while still on top. Yours is classic story which unfortunately doesn’t usually end the way yours will. It usually goes something like this. Exposed to P&M as a Bachur, gets married, swears it off with intention never to repeat, successful for a few months or a year or two, relapse, is caught by wife (or not), swears it off again, is successful for some time, but eventually falls back to where he was in the beginning. Amazing that you are reaching out before the fall that usually comes for people that haven’t learnt how to internally heal. 

By coming here to GYE you will learn how to fight this beast smarter not harder. You’ve been eating yourself up for things that are probably not even really your fault. There are so many people here that can help you out with sound advice that will help you heal and recover. The YH thrives on isolating you from the rest of the world, making you think that you’re the only one that deals with these issues. You are not alone. There are many holy people with genuine יראת שמים that are willing to help you out, over the phone or in person. They will care for you, will never judge you or think you’re weird, they will understand you and most importantly they will become your friend. They have been where you are right now, and look back at that תקופה in their life as a thing of the past. That doesn’t mean that they’re done with the YH,  he will never go away, but they have him in a place where they control him and not vice versa. It is a powerful feeling that infuses one with serenity and מנוחת הנפש and gives one the ability to focus on the real things going on in your life. Your wife, children, working out issues (yes, there will still be issues, but you will be able to work on them with a clear mind). You can recover from all these unwanted urges and voices in your head. 

One of the many people you might want to reach out to goes by the name HHM. He has help hundreds of people successfully heal internally, and given them tool that really help. There are others as well, but he is a great place to start. Hatzlacha Rabbah on your journey of changing yourself from one who is valiantly fighting the YH by white knuckling through the challenges he throws your way, to one who knows how to successfully and calmly manage the urges which will decrease in severity and frequency as time goes on.

amevakesh wrote on 17 Jul 2024 15:28:

Stunning!

This was an amazing post, and I'm sure it gave much chizuk!! 

I absolutely loved the way you defined the next step- one of מנוחת הנפש- being in control not vice versa. My user name-  Menucashanefesh was actually inspired because this was one of my main inspirations to finally kick this thing as I yearned to not feel controlled and to feel that serenity you so aptly desribed. Thank you for putting in down so clearly and reminding me of this.

Heeling wrote on 17 Jul 2024 15:37:

Couldn't agree more!
I'll only add that HHM - Hashem Help Me - is reachable at michelgelner@gmail.com

Please, I beg you, get in touch with him. It will save you a tremendous amount of עגמת נפש, and change your life for the good!

Welcome aboard!!

Hi all, First of all I want to thank everyone for the tremendous chizuk already received, replies here, DM's, and chat's.

And now some replies here.