Good for you! Btw the yh wants us to get down on ourselves and be like cmon we’re so “clean” for so long….. your mamish a tzadik! And that’s when he gets us….. but we have to remember to know that we don’t give up! Ever! Even if we almost fall even if we are there mamish leaning in and getting gravitationally pulled in….. AND we  throw ourselves backwards and RUN AWAY!! We have to be proud of ourselves and know that Hashem loves us!! So don’t get down now brother!! Smile and move onward in this fight to hold up the world!!

100 days! 100 days! 100 days! You’re a hero!! For getting to 100 days!! And for posting right after you almost fell!! Keep on going forward! Always going up from one level to the next! 

It's important to every so often give שבח והודאה to the wonderful family and yeshiva that is GYE (not to be confused with BMG), in particular as a strategy for me to win this battle with positivity and excitement.

There are many ways to bring out the different facets of GYE; I think though that one overarching theme is אור. As Justice Louis Brandeis (a yid) famously said, "Sunlight is said to be the best of disinfectants", the light of GYE  brings truly an otherworldly טהרה. By helping us shine light on that previously dark corner of our lives, we can start to heal. The way becomes lit up. We are not alone in the dark. By bringing our stories to light in this forum, they become more manageable, less scary. Fear only grows in the darkness. For me, lighting up this hidden, dark part of my life, exposing it for my true friends and rebbeim here has made all the difference. And as a dear friend of mine here shared with me today, it's really all about knowing you're not alone. The fear, shame, and self-criticism fades in the light of hope, friendship, and תשובה. In its place is growing self-confidence, self-love, and as a תוצאה, the ability to encourage others in this inyan, an absolutely mind-blowing concept that I would've never thought possible from the shadows of 3+ months ago. So thank you all, and most importantly, thank you Hashem, the true יוצר אור!

Humbly,
iwantlife

Gut voch my friends! Just wanted to share something, a win I guess, though a bit unusual. Friday night, after we finished the seudah and my kids were asleep, I was sitting with my wife on the couch, reading. Within minutes, she curled into a ball and fell into a deep sleep. "There goes our night together" thought iwantlife to himself. And I was right, when I woke her up quite a bit later to ask if we were going to bed together, she said she was too tired. I wasn't too happy, but didn't say anything. She really was exhausted, it was what it was. Ok, good I behaved well. Nice.

The win, though, was later that night. Sometime during the night, I had starting having a very vivid, explicit dream, about the type of scene I would often fantasize about and search for, back in the day when I hung out in the bottom of Porn Abyss. (It's possible it came on as a result of my wife's "rejection"; even though I wasn't upset, I was let down.) I obviously won't describe the scene here, but suffice it to say that it was very very bad. A strange thing happened though. Somehow, in my dream, having walked in the middle of this very tempting sexual experience, I thought to myself "NO", and tore myself away, mid-dream. I'm 99% I woke myself up for a minute, which is pretty wild, as I have never been able to wake myself up from any dream before. Now, dreams are a strange beast, so it's hard to know exactly what was going down. That being said, I have no doubt that 4 months ago, that dream would've had a very different ending. BH, this time, it ended before it started!

Sweet dreams,
iwantlife

Tzadik! There were gedolim in the past who learnt in there sleep…… you should go up from level to level!

And there are tzaddikim that are Yosef Hatzaddik in their dreams!!! WOW!!! That's amazing!
But let's not forget the amazing first win, of treating your wife with decency! When I think back to how I would cry when things like that happened, (or I pushed...), I am so embarrassed that I was such a baby. And I even understood myself! BH we have this amazing place to teach us how to grow up. Please keep sharing, my special friend

This Friday night I was too tired and went to sleep! 

I told my wife, "not tonight"

That hasn't happened in a while! 

How the turntables have turned!!

I'd suggest next time,if that ever happens again, be empathetic, in really sorry, I'd love to spend time with you but I'm so tired, is it ok if we just go to sleep?

iwantlife wrote on 10 Nov 2024 04:01:

Just to clarify, my point in posting this wasn't to flex some Yosef Hatzaddik-style win. It was just a dream. I hope to never be tested in real life with such a scenario. My understanding of what happened is, לעניית דעתי, that the neural pathways in my brain have been re-configured (I hope!), to the extent that my habit/reflex is weakened. The way habits work, the brain makes a mental shortcut for us, automating our response. Brain activity decreases. So maybe, now that my porn use is no longer a habit, deep in my conscious, even while I sleep, there's now room for some thought, like "No, I don't think I want to do this". Does it mean I'm fall-proof? Far from it. But hopefully I'm slowly pulling myself out of the נעשה לו כהיתר sphere that I've lived in for so long, buried by layers of habit. And if I can do it, so can you!

Day 120! Hard to believe that I've been clean this long. Definitely hasn't happened since I started down Lust Lane towards Porn Abyss, many moons ago.. Thank you GYE family! (Yes, that means you!) Thank you HHM! (I'd be nowhere without you!) Thank you to my dearest friends who I text and call almost daily (as well as those who I haven't reached yet)! Thank you Hashem (see PY's kippah)! Four months ago, I was deep in the claws of ייואש, today I've clawed my way back to myself. 

The battle continues. I find myself struggling with what to occupy myself with when I'm not up to learning or working. BH it's not a lot of time, like 20-30 min a day, usually in the evening. I used to sit back and veg out. B"H I recently started a YouTube diet, with the help of one of my dear friends here. So I'll read the news. And GYE obvs. But last night I found myself listening to some non-jewish music. Not with words, just instrumentals. Not terrible. But not the best. I'd rather it not become a habit.. I'm open to suggestions. Trying to strike a balance.

Humbly,
iwantlife

iwantlife wrote on 13 Nov 2024 01:37:

*MY KIPPAH DOES NOT SAY #TYH ON IT!!
(It must've been James...uh oh...I hope bennyh doesn't get wind of this...)


Are you a reader?
(Hint: If you are and people give you good ideas of what to read, pass 'em along...I need them too...)

proudyungerman wrote on 13 Nov 2024 03:32:

Have you read The Battle of the Generation?
(Captain, link please)

Yes I am a reader! And yes I do read TBOTG. What can I say though, it doesn't fall under the category of relaxing read for me..

Podcasts? Take up a new hobby? 

iwantlife wrote on 13 Nov 2024 01:37:

Ad meah vi esrim!!

Some good reading-

Hold Me Tight
Wired for marriage
Eight dates

I also love listening to rabbi kalish if I have extra time.