Hi everyone! I've been lurking on the forums for a few weeks now, but I think it's time for me to finally post here. I was inspired by many of your stories here, nodding my head when I felt like I was reading about my own struggle, and shaking it as I read things that made my story pale in comparison. I've held off writing anything publicly, for I have a deep (perhaps unreasonable) fear of being identified. Ultimately though, I think posting here will help me, so here goes.

I'm in my thirties, B"H happily married with a few kids. I learned in the standard yeshivish yeshivas, then in kollel for around 10 years before leaving to go to work. Since I was around 12, when there was internet w/o filters, I've struggled with P & M. My go-to method for the past 20 years always involved heavy reliance on filters, which usually meant I was clean till I found a weak link (there always is one), or got my hands on an unfiltered device. This lead to a lot of despair, which lead to more watching.. you know the drill. Years of watching with no end in sight. Recently, I became aware of the habit aspect of watching P, and started to notice my triggers. It's almost always a way to escape stress, and could be something as 'stressful' as not getting enough sleep the night before.

Then I found GYE. I started the Flight to Freedom, only watched the videos w/o doing the work, which initially helped, then led to complacency, then a fall. So I went back to the beginning, and I'm determined to do the program properly. I'm hoping to get chizzuk from fellow GYErs this time around as well. I also would love to get some input on the best way to approach filters. If all devices were filtered and filters were foolproof, I wouldn't be posting here today. My job, (like most in 2024) has me using a computer for many hours of the day. Although I have a good filter (Gentech) as well as accountability (Webchaver), while they slow me down, If I'm determined I can get around both of them. That leaves me with a speed bump at best. Which means I need to work on myself so that slowing myself down does the trick? I'm a bit lost, and would love to hear your thoughts.

Though my story is pretty standard, and many of you here have climbed much taller mountains, for me this is my Everest, and still feels insurmountable. One thing I know though (and I must've told myself this 1000 times), I'm sick and tired of falling, and I want life!

Welcome, friend! The f2f program is great, and keep it up. Your fear of being identified is totally normal. I would encourage you, though, to reach out to some people. Maybe start with email and work up the courage to actually speak. There's nothing like it! The connection, the real human connection, the understanding, the caring, it will change your life. Please stick around, keep posting, and of course, keep trucking!

Oy, does your story resonate! 
Welcome. I think you’ll find that it’s so much easier to walk this road together with others who understand… 

The good news is that there is hope. So many here have spent years in cycles similar to the one you describe, and yet, with Siyata Dishmaya, have broken free… 

…. and are living . You can too….

Here’s a warm hand, 
Chaim Oigen 

Welcome to the family!

Definitely not an easy thing to post for that first time. For me, my joining the forum is what led me to the beginning of my breaking free.
I spent years of watching, and years of trying to stop. Filters. Programs. Therapy. It makes it feel as if there's no way out. I finally found out that I was wrong, and that there is a way out. It's not easy, and it might take a bit of figuring yourself out but it's definitely attainable.

What helped me the most was making friends through GYE. I started with chatting and email, but I eventually was able to pick up the phone and talk which was a huge life changer for me. Obviously this is not the easiest thing to do... I had an account with GYE for quite some years before I had the courage to do that...

Another thing that helped me tons were the tools I learned from reading "the battle of the generation" book by Hillel S. (available on gye website as a pdf or on amazon for $10). The biggest חידוש I picked up from the book was how to build up a true desire to overcome the desire for porn. Usually this desire is completely intellectual and is no competition for the extremely strong emotional drive and urge to watch pornography. I have learned how to create an emotional desire to not watch pornography and there's now so much more strength that I have with which to fight.

Hatzlacha Raba!

Welcome! It should be with hatzlocha. Iyh you will break free and join the ranks of all the guys that camaraderie saved b'ezras Hashem. It's ok to hold someone's hand to become clean.

Welcome, many of us can certainly relate to your story. As someone who was stuck in the same cycle for the better part of 40 years I never thought that I could say that I would be within a week of my one-year anniversary of being clean! I fully agree that filters are a speed bump. The key is to combine that with the tools on GYE, the chizzuk available through these forums, and building a real life connection with some of the amazing people here on GYE. All together these can turn the "bump" into a hill and then a mountain that you can eventually look back on and realize how high you can climb w/o the weight of this holding you down! All the best and keep up the fight. I can promise you that the rewards are so much greater than what you imagine! 

Welcome to this warm and loving family!

Your story and struggles may feel like climbing an Everest, but imagine doing it with others - it's so much easier. Reaching out was what helped me transform my life, perspective, and marriage. If you don't feel comfortable yet, you can post more, chat a bit, and eventually reach out.

Just know, there are people waiting and ready to help. You are not alone in this!

Here's some warmth and a hug!

- Yiftach

It's been about 10 days since I introduced myself here. I made a post, received a warm welcome, felt very good about myself. The boost pushed me into a false sense of security. I didn't even start the F2F program. The part of me that wishes I could just not stumble without doing hard work thought I had it in the bag. Which is silly of course. Today, I found (another!) filter loophole, and down I went.. Though I was busy the past week, I'm sure I could've found a few minutes for the F2F program if I wanted to. I think I'm being held back by a tremendous sense of fear, that of failure. I think "This program will help for a week, and then I'll fall like always, so what's the point?". Looking for chizzuk, because at the end of the day, iwantlife !!

iwantlife wrote on 27 Feb 2024 20:21:

or mabye a tremendous fear, of becoming a new person!
@ the end of the day we all love our good old self.
אהבה מקלקלת האשורה.org

iwantlife wrote on 27 Feb 2024 20:21:

Putting in the effort to do ratzon hashem IS LIFE!  Don’t worry about the results, just make sure you are taking the proper steps towards your goal.  

Welcome! 
if you’re looking for living , and you’re wanting the positives of a life that’s clean, this means you can start with today. Life is in the now. What do you want to be different? What and why do you want to change? How do you want to do it? 

Long term failure or success isn’t what it’s about. It’s about what life looks like. 

This is a good place to find out.
 And the journey is easier together with others. 

Glad you’re here! 
Chaim Oigen

iwantlife wrote on 27 Feb 2024 20:21:

The point is every moment that you are clean. Focus on today. Or just until after dinner. Every moment of being clean is great! And, of course, slowly, you can learn to go longer and longer without the trash, until you'll feel the change within yourself. And even then, it's not about streaks or sum total amount of days. It's about each shining moment! 
Keep it up, my special friend!

I was gonna start with, "Another week, another fall", but after the previous responses, I guess I should look at the bright side, so, "One week w/o falls!". I'm still having trouble motivating myself to regularly do the F2F program and my daily read of the "The Battle of the Generation". Especially on a day that I'm busy + feeling good, it's like "Why bother, I'm good!". Then comes a stressful day, and I'm woefully unprepared. Also, I find that one of my biggest triggers is being tired. It's like my whole body feels like it's in deep stress, which makes me want to comfort it ASAP, and certainly not with anything productive, cuz I'm just too tired. Any tips on this from the boys?

iwantlife wrote on 15 Mar 2024 14:03:

Dude. You gotta do the work. To do the work you gotta be motivated. Sometimes it takes work to be motivated. If you're only motivated when you're falling then you're never going to do the work and you're going to keep on falling. The only way to break out of this cycle is to work during the good times so you're prepared for the bad times. 

I suggest 3 steps, the order is not m'akev:
1. Call HHM and get shaken out of your complacency. 
2. recognize that you need to work on this or it will never change. 
3. Work.

I found Escape, Distract and SOBER to work when I am very tired. The SOBER audio exercise only takes 6 minutes to complete but I chose it because it works better for fatigue by me than other audio exercises. Since you know that not reading TBOTG and watching the F2F program when everything goes well leads to falls I wonder whether there is another reason why you aren't motivated. If you aren't motivated to put in the effort to win it might be helpful to go through the reasons for change section of the F2F program.