Meeting and Passing (h/t Robert Frost)

As I went down the hill, to meet at the hall
Inside a wedding, a union so pure
Outside a meeting, two souls so sure
Though one still off-kilter from a fall

The other a rocket, helping young and old
For that moment, we were less than two
More like one, the love of a fellow Jew
United in battle, the line they would hold.

Afterward I left, convinced as eve’
Although we then passed, each on a different trail
Our way is the same, not destined to fail
Heads high with joy, לא יכרע ולא ישתחוה.

'Twas (notice I'm guarding my "I"s here) a pleasure to meet you, my yedid R'Muttel!

With love, 
iwantlife

That hug resonated...

Belief,
Trust,
Respect,
Brotherly love,
Progress,
Hope,
and so many other feelings....

Looking forward to seeing big things from you!

With a ton of brotherly love,
Muttel

Hello fellow kids! Just want to take a moment to plug something here. I, like many here, have struggled to get back in the game after a blessedly long streak of 180 days. I feel like I'm stuck in a loop again, barely able to crack 2 weeks at a time between falls, which for me is porn w/ masturbation. After my last fall, I decided enough was enough. I sat down to finish what I had started. What had I started, you ask? Why EasyPeasy of course. A month or so ago, someone who you know recommended it to me. I started it but was reading it in drips and drabs. (What the heck is a drab?). As to be expected, that wasn't working. The other day, I read it in one sitting. Now, I'm only a few days out, and I almost always feel pretty confident for those first few days post-fall. So I'm not making any guarantees. BUT, I will say that EasyPeasy drives home something that I had in those first 180 days, thanks to HHM, that I've had trouble getting back. Namely, the mindset shift of "I don't do this!" + "It's not nearly as hard as you think" (In fact he says it's easy) + "It's joyful to not be addicted to porn". In that sense, I do feel that I might've gotten back to that mindset, and for me at least​, it's only against that backdrop that all the other tools like: posting here (need to do more), reaching out to friends, accountability, and dare I say, read TBOTG, work for me.

If you think you might benefit from this, here's the link:https://easypeasymethod.org/

With feelings of hope,
iwantlife

It's fascinating to see that there are many different tools, and different things work for different people. I myself have read some of the easypeasy book, and found it very good. iwantlife, it's so nice to see you back in the game!
Moral of the story: We each have to find what works for us. Even if you're having a hard time breaking free, there's something out there that will work for you. Keep searching for it, and never give up!

Stay tuned kids!  The easy peasy book is currently being adapted and improved by some friendly GYE volunteers and moderators.  Soon it will be even easier than it already is to be rid of porn for good.

They stood there in the city haze
Sparks fanned into a fiery blaze
People passed unaware of the light
Shined forth as they hugged tight

It’s meetings like these that reinforce
What’s real and what’s דמיון of course
No need to chase the old YH’s illusion
Our real friends remind us it’s all a delusion

A path tread by those who came first
Breathing new life into those who thirst
Opening the door to a better way
Making all the difference, today.

Rabbeinu Yiftach, it was a pleasure to meet you in person!!

With love,
iwantlife

  Hey everyone! It's been too long. (Many people are saying this). I'm sure you're all wondering where I've been. (You haven't? Oh well.) Well, if you must know, I'll tell it like it is. I've been up and down, then back up then back down. Lasting 2-3 weeks at a time. A far cry from my original 6 month streak. Not feeling good enough to post. Certainly in no mood of poems. Sick and tired, as they say. A mistake really. We're all in this together, there's no shame here. And yet, I (my ego) justified it. 'What's the point in sharing failures?" "Maybe someone will see it and get discouraged" etc. 

  So you might think, iwantlife is sharing some major accomplishment. 90 days? 90 weeks? 90 years? Nope. Sorry. Now, tomorrow is Day 30, which is certainly nothing to sneeze at. But. As in the past few months, there's a pattern. As I reach the 3 or 4 week mark, I start to stumble. Slip. Poke. See a glimpse here. Then a glimpse there. Next thing I know, I'm teetering at the edge of Porn Abyss. This time is no different. Almost fell 2 days ago. Then got triggered yesterday, almost fell again. Seems inevitable, right? Certainly that's how I felt when I woke up this fine morning. And yet, during shachris, a thought came to me. I was feeling down, frustrated, and more specifically, tainted. As in, "I already saw some inappropriate things, I've messed up, may as well go watch porn" "Ugh". "At least then I'll have a clean slate" #NuclearReset right? Then I thought "I've basically made it to Day 30 (tomorrow). That's good. So technically, I'm starting a new 30 days anyway, on the way to 60, even if I don't fall.. So I AM starting fresh! Who cares what I saw yesterday??" I can't explain the shift I felt, the feeling of relief, the boost of energy I got. I felt liberated.

  So great. A nice moment. A win of sorts. Why am I really sharing this though? 

​  I believe there's something at play here for me which I think might be pretty common; I hope others can relate. I have a perfectionist streak in me. Noticer of imperfections, that's me. Shows up in all aspects of life as you can imagine, not the least of which is my marriage. BH I've made a lot of progress in that area, as expectations of perfection will just about ruin everything. That said, I still latch onto streaks and completion of tasks with all my might. Finishing שנים מקרא this week. Finishing ספר תהלים this month. Joining this learning program to finish this לימוד, that one to finish that. And to be fair, like every מדה, I've gained much from this type of motivation, particularly in the area of לימוד התורה. That said, it has its drawbacks. In particular, if I miss a few days, I immediately lose interest; strong feelings of "whats the point" etc. And there I go, inevitably falling short of my own high standards. Ironically, it's this exact constant feeling of falling short that probably gets me looking to escape. Which brings me to the point of this (long) post. If there's one thing I really struggle with, one thing that many swear is a key in the battle, is the concept of ODAAT, or One Day at A Time. Sure I get it on a micro level, but macro - I just can't. I need to see a long, unbroken streak of success. And the YH, boy does he know me well. So this is his weapon, a few slips that culminate in a fall, and it works every time. Not only does it work short term, it reinforces the feeling that I can't succeed.

  So, what now? Well, this morning's realization played to my strengths, in that I was able to reframe the next 30 days as "new", and hoping they'll be even cleaner than the first. Not quite ODAAT, but something. I clearly must learn how to incorporate viewing every day and hour as "new" and not משועבד to the previous ones. Learn how to both avoid triggers and slips while not melting down and running for the exits if I don't. I'm writing this, yet I'm not quite sure how. So I'm open for suggestions. Hopefully though, this feeling I feel today, as I begin to climb the next hill to 60, will trickle into every day, every step of my journey.

With hope and a prayer,
iwantlife Boy does it feel good to post again...

  Hey everyone! It's been too long. (Many people are saying this). I'm sure you're all wondering where I've been. (You haven't? Oh well.) Well, if you must know, I'll tell it like it is. I've been up and down, then back up then back down. Lasting 2-3 weeks at a time. A far cry from my original 6 month streak. Not feeling good enough to post. Certainly in no mood of guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/408780-Sick-and-tired?limit=15&start=15#418758" option="guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/408780-Sick-and-tired?limit=15&start=15#418758">poems. Sick and tired, as they say. A mistake really. We're all in this together, there's no shame here. And yet, I (my ego) justified it. 'What's the point in sharing failures?" "Maybe someone will see it and get discouraged" etc. 



  So you might think, iwantlife is sharing some major accomplishment. 90 days? 90 weeks? 90 years? Nope. Sorry. Now, tomorrow is Day 30, which is certainly nothing to sneeze at. But. As in the past few months, there's a pattern. As I reach the 3 or 4 week mark, I start to stumble. Slip. Poke. See a glimpse here. Then a glimpse there. Next thing I know, I'm teetering at the edge of Porn Abyss. This time is no different. Almost fell 2 days ago. Then got triggered yesterday, almost fell again. Seems inevitable, right? Certainly that's how I felt when I woke up this fine morning. And yet, during shachris, a thought came to me. I was feeling down, frustrated, and more specifically, tainted. As in, "I already saw some inappropriate things, I've messed up, may as well go watch porn" "Ugh". "At least then I'll have a clean slate" #NuclearReset right? Then I thought "I've basically made it to Day 30 (tomorrow). That's good. So technically, I'm starting a new 30 days anyway, on the way to 60, even if I don't fall.. So I AM starting fresh! Who cares what I saw yesterday??" I can't explain the shift I felt, the feeling of relief, the boost of energy I got. I felt liberated.



  So great. A nice moment. A win of sorts. Why am I really sharing this though? 



​  I believe there's something at play here for me which I think might be pretty common; I hope others can relate. I have a perfectionist streak in me. Noticer of imperfections, that's me. Shows up in all aspects of life as you can imagine, not the least of which is my marriage. BH I've made a lot of progress in that area, as expectations of perfection will just about ruin everything. That said, I still latch onto streaks and completion of tasks with all my might. Finishing שנים מקרא this week. Finishing ספר תהלים this month. Joining this learning program to finish this לימוד, that one to finish that. And to be fair, like every מדה, I've gained much from this type of motivation, particularly in the area of לימוד התורה. That said, it has its drawbacks. In particular, if I miss a few days, I immediately lose interest; strong feelings of "whats the point" etc. And there I go, inevitably falling short of my own high standards. Ironically, it's this exact constant feeling of falling short that probably gets me looking to escape. Which brings me to the point of this (long) post. If there's one thing I really struggle with, one thing that many swear is a key in the battle, is the concept of ODAAT, or One Day at A Time. Sure I get it on a micro level, but macro - I just can't. I need to see a long, unbroken streak of success. And the YH, boy does he know me well. So this is his weapon, a few slips that culminate in a fall, and it works every time. Not only does it work short term, it reinforces the feeling that I can't succeed.



  So, what now? Well, this morning's realization played to my strengths, in that I was able to reframe the next 30 days as "new", and hoping they'll be even cleaner than the first. Not quite ODAAT, but something. I clearly must learn how to incorporate viewing every day and hour as "new" and not משועבד to the previous ones. Learn how to both avoid triggers and slips while not melting down and running for the exits if I don't. I'm writing this, yet I'm not quite sure how. So I'm open for suggestions. Hopefully though, this feeling I feel today, as I begin to climb the next hill to 60, will trickle into every day, every step of my journey.



With hope and a prayer,

iwantlife Boy does it feel good to post again.... 

end quote 



If your goal is perfection, only hashem is perfect. 



if your goal is to keep heading in the right direction, that is attainable in an instant.  



Keep building on your inspiration 





best wishes 

vehkam