138eagle wrote on 20 Nov 2024 17:25:

Thank you for this חיזוק! You can send it to the email in my signature, I'd appreciate that. (Also I haven't seen Chayeinu in a while, would be nice ). BH I really don't dwell on these thoughts, it's not my nature, and I believe in ה׳'s השגחה, plus the אונס nature of being exposed at such a young age, as I mentioned in my poem. That being said, there's some pain deep in my heart that I've carried for years, it just wanted to be free. I guess my above belief is still only in a בחינה of על לבביך to a certain extent. 

It reminds me of the first time I spoke to HHM, he was trying to get me to appreciate that I'm בעצם a good guy, with an issue. I told him that I believed him, and in fact that wasn't my struggle because I had seen a therapist a few years earlier who, though he didn't get me clean, had convinced me that my struggle was normal etc. And yet, when we ended the call, HHM told me to go to a mirror, and tell myself "I'm really a very good guy" (something like that), I actually started crying as I did it. Point is, clearly there were (and probably still are) some very deep, unresolved feelings of low self-worth, bolstered by years of failure and יאוש. So BH I'm doing much better, but I still appreciate the constant חיזוק, and need it more than I realize, which is OK.

Once we're being honest, I need chizuk too sometimes. More times than I like to think I do....

Iwantlife, keep it up!!!!!!!!!!

With overflowing brotherly love,
Muttel

Thinking back to days when the Torah vastness beckoned,
When all goals seemed achievable, with greatness I'd reckon.
Adrenaline pumped and aspirations abound,
The path to Gadlus I believed I'd found.

Disaster struck when promiscuity had me trapped,
A new road blazed, directly to Hell it was mapped.
One step, then another, all closer to self-destruction,
I couldn't stop, no-one to save me or provide much needed instruction.

Having begun on GYE 6 short months ago,
Meeting HHM and the other מלאכים that helped me grow.
I've come to see something heretofore blind,
Had you told me this some time ago, I'd have thought you were out of your mind. 

A mission, so holy, to bring our brothers back, 
Time, emotion, and energy are the successes I look to rack.
To think the initiator of it all was illicit and forbidden,
What propelled me to this glorious mandate, a dark, ugly, secret hidden.

Dear Iwantlife, I feel your pain too, though know you're in a good place,
I also feel this conflict of what could've been had I hadn't joined the 18+ rat race.
Yet the pleasure I take in playing a role for others to recover,
Makes me wonder if this was Hashem's plan for me to discover...

Iwantlife, keep shteiging, growing, connecting, and most of all, counting!! (and trucking, of course)

P.S. thanks for giving me an excuse to write a poem. I needed that!

Muttel wrote on 20 Nov 2024 19:38:

A brilliant poem and an oh so true message! Warms my heart. Thank you R' Muttel!

Thank you R Muttel for such an inspiring poem! 
@IWantlife, I started reading your thread and I am so awed by you. I am obviously nowhere near where you re holding in this journey but reading what you write, I feel like i am reading myself. I am not quite ready yet to post my owns story with all the gory details but the feelings of lack of self-worth I have had for many, many years. I am  frankly amazed how far you have come with all that baggage. I can only hope one day I will be near you. If you would be willing , I would love to speak with you and get some tips. You can message me if you are interested. Thank you so much

A dear friend of mine here mentioned recently that on a lot of threads, he'll see a lot of ups, but less about downs. It's possible he was referring to me, in which case I appreciate the מוסר; I'm definitely guilty of this. B"H my P & M - free streak is still going strong. That being said, I had a hard week. I've slipped and slid. Looked at some things I shouldn't have, for longer than anyone should. And I know why I'm doing this, to relieve a recent uptick in stress. Same old habits. B"H not going as far as I did in the past, thanks to 1) Accountability and 2) Friends. I've spoken to quite a few of you over the last few days. I would be back to day 1 if not for you all. So thank you again.

I think it's important to balance the knowledge that while any slip, that is to say looking at something inappropriate in my case, should be avoided at all costs; and, as HHM pointed out to me, it's squarely in the category of לא תתורו אחרי לבבכם, at the same time, be able to differentiate between that and an actual fall. If I had kept the distinction clear in my mind, I probably would've only slipped and not even slid. Point is, don't let the YH capitalize on 'small' lapses, because he'll use them to bring you down. Remind yourself how far you've come, after years of tumbling mindlessly into Porn Abyss, that this is 'just' a wrong turn on to Lust Lane, which, in the scheme of recovery, is not a fall, and you can still make a u-turn.

I'll end off with the acknowledgment that the work never ends. In particular, I need to manage stress better, which is a separate avodah from managing lust. To add the above quote from R' Redfaced "Behind EVERY thread that gives you kina, is a user that was once convinced it would be impossible to get to where he is now", if, by any chance, you got some קנאה from this thread, know that behind it is a user who still struggles. It's not always smooth sailing. The waves get choppy. But, we're all in this boat together, so you may as well grab an oar.

Humbly,
iwantlife

iwantlife wrote on 21 Nov 2024 17:44:

Messin' around with red's tattoo? Make sure he doesn't find out that it's all smudged up.

I love this post.
It ebs and flows. It gets easier but is never easy.
"Behind EVERY thread that gives you kina, is a user that was once convinced it would be impossible to get to where he is now"
So true and so powerful to have this in mind! Thank you for bringing this to light as it's known but not thought of.

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

iwantlife wrote on 21 Nov 2024 17:44:

Iwantlife and Eerie sat there in the car,
One from close by, the other from afar
Yet as they spoke, kissed, embraced with a tear
'Twas clear that all along, they'd truly been near.

I think poem writers should be more sensitive to those of us who mainly struggle with p&m and can only fantasize about acting out in person. Reading about other people’s escapades on a safe place like GYE can put someone over the edge and make them want to take that dangerous step.

Bennyh wrote on 26 Nov 2024 17:52:

Well said . I had half a mind ( not sure which half) to reach out to YKW- BH stopped myself at the last minute

redfaced wrote on 26 Nov 2024 19:28:

*

I noticed something interesting as of late. Many here have written how their urges intensify when their wife is a נדה. Which makes perfect sense. Normally, you desire your wife, when you can't have her, you want turn elsewhere. Yet for me, I was never too perturbed by this. This isn't to say I didn't enjoy being with my wife. It's just that whether my wife was אסור or מותר, I was good to go. If I felt an urge, I had porn, and dare I say it was sometimes better than the real thing. The endless availability and variety of near perfect looking women kept me busy. So if my wife was available, great, if not, also great. I had digital alternatives. Point is, there was no discernible difference for me between אסור or מותר. Much ink has been spilled in the forums about the frustrations of mikvah night, and how upset people would get if things didn't go according to plan. I'm ashamed to admit that honestly, I can't remember the last time I really looked forward to mikvah night. I could just have sex with my own, selfish, self.

Recently, something has stirred inside me. For the first time in a long time, I felt true disappointment when my wife became a נדה. And I find myself looking forward with eager anticipation to mikvah night. In the past 2 weeks, I've posted about slips I've had. Wouldn't you know it, my wife has been אסור throughout. And yet, I'm glad. I'm glad that I'm looking forward to being with her. That she's the only one. No digital replacements. That without her it's actually hard. Obviously that's its own challenge. But it's normal. I guess what I'm saying is, it's good to be normal.

iwantlife wrote on 26 Nov 2024 22:45:

Normal ? Whazzat