Hi Everyone, I'm still around and still working on myself.  I'm on a journey and have been my whole life.  Early this week I had a fall, and after a very painful day after the fall, there was so much bad talk going on in my head over what happened.  Finally, I sat down and wrote the following to try to answer all the bad things I was telling myself...

Things I’m Going to Try to Do, Even Though They Are Hard for Me
1. Don’t berate yourself - even though it's hard not to (now I'm crying a lot)… don’t do it!!
2. Realize that despite everything, there is still hope - yes, there is still hope for you!
3. Realize that although it's understandable to feel the shame and guilt you feel, it's still toxic and bad for you.
4. How do you build your self-esteem? Don’t be clueless... Do the things that Hashem loves… just do them as best you can.
5. Will it ever get better? I don’t know, but you can’t and shouldn’t worry about that.
6. One day at a time.
7. Always remember… you’re not evil or some kind of human mutation.
8. Always remember that you are priceless - even though you often feel and believe you're worthless.
9. Always remember you have a reason to live, even though you have no idea what in the world it could possibly be.
10. Hashem is here with you holding your hand, even though you feel like He wants nothing to do with you.
11. Don’t beat up yourself about learning... learning Torah is hard and you're not naturally inclined to learn, and that’s okay.
12. Even though you don’t have any friendships or chavrusas, that doesn’t mean you won’t one day have.
13. Even though you’re hurting a lot inside, don’t despair, Hashem loves you and He can teach you and show you how to be happy.
14. Remember Hashem loves you, and even though you’ve failed, you’re not a failure.

Just wanted to share how I'm trying to recover and keep going despite all the negativity...

No replies, so I guess no one cares... and why should they care?  Am I worth being cared about?  Maybe yes, and then again, maybe no.  But if I'm looking for validation to survive, I need to realize that's a crutch!  I've got to do this work and heal on my own - 100% on my own.

Buddy, I just chanced upon this thread, I see that you're in a lot of pain.
You also seem to possess a lot of wisdom and inner strength.

I'd be honored to be your friend. See my signature for more details.
Please reach out via PM, would love to chat with you!

Best wishes,
OivedElokim

Lots of wisdom in your list. 
I particularly relate to the item about hope. To me, GYE means hope. Opening new doors where there was only a brick wall before… 

Hang on…

Chaim Oigen 

Buddy I have no words, but my heart bleeds for you. I wish I could make your pain go away, but I don't know how to. But one thing you should know, we care, and we care a lot. Reach out to any of us, and we'll be glad to listen, even if we can't actually help.

feelinghurt wrote on 18 Jul 2024 00:51:

Ouch.
Dear dear chaver,
Please don't feel that we don't care. Some of the most caring people you'll meet are here. I'm sorry that I missed your message. You are worth the world. While we don't necessarily need validation, it certainly helps, and we do need friends. I would be honored to know you and be your friend, special Yid. Reach out and take the extended hands of your brothers. We are here for each other.
Kol Tov

Dear friend!
I just went thru the entirety of this thread. My heart is broken for you. I can't ever imagine the pain you've gone and are going through. You're so innocent, yet in so much pain. 
The Ribono Shel Oilum should bentch you with true happiness and content. All I can do is storm the heavens on your behalf. BeH you'll see and feel the redemption from all the trauma and pain. 
Here's a hug from the holy land! 

- Yiftach'l

PS. After reading your thread, I hope to go to the kosel today and daven for you. I can't imagine your pain and just want you to truly feel a new dawn. All the best!!!

dear feeling hurt
I feel for you! I read your post, what can I say? Your deep words will help a lot of people struggling and in pain.
I hope you find the chizuk you need, we're all here for you!

Okay, you guys are really totally amazing... thank you for all your words of chizuk!!  I was in a tough spot when I posted and vented, but it got me to realize that this fight (or "journey" as I call it), is ultimately up to me.  Sure, I need friendships and healthy connections with guys who understand my challenges, but I have to do the work if I'm going to succeed.  I need your validation, but more importantly, I need to learn how to validate myself and not label myself a failure.

Not sure how to post a link to a different thread, but post #415016 in Chaim's Oigen might be worth reading.

415016

What a great reference 415016 is - so relevant.  Thank you ChaimOigen for this - it puts to words what I'm trying to accomplish.  For me, it's really , really tough to not feel self-loathing...  I admit so myself above when I say "Things I’m Going to Try to Do, Even Though They Are Hard for Me".  These things are very hard for me to do, and I say so straight up.  I've always felt shame about these things since I was a kid.  There never was, "oh, but you're a good kid anyways", or "it's alright, I love you all the same".  No, I was a bad, bad boy, period.  So to somehow separate "what I've done" with  "who I am", has always been a major challenge for me.  That's exactly what I'm trying to learn how to do, so I can feel empowered to succeed and not give up on myself.

Hey, I just wanted to say I feel guilty and selfish posting on my thread again, and ignoring everyone else's threads out there who are struggling just as much as I am.  If I were in a better place, I would offer chizuk, advice, comforting words, etc. to all you guys.  I hate being on the receiving end (and then again, it honestly does make me feel better!  So thank you).

I've been journaling (writing in my journal) about why I often feel inadequate around other guys.  It's more than just aimas harabim (fear of the public).  I'm pretty introverted and very shy and can sometimes stammer when I speak to guys.  It's funny (well not really), but I'm not this way around girls or ladies - just guys.  I usually view guys as much better than me, so I can easily get intimidated by them. 

I also believe guys try to avoid me.  Maybe their avoidance is intentional, maybe it's not.  I don't have a bad smell or anything, I don't smoke or drink, I shower daily, and I try to look presentable and safe to approach.  But ever since in was in yeshiva, guys seem to have an issue interacting with me.  Maybe they sense that I'm usually pretty terrified of them.  But whatever the reason, I come away feeling inadequate (and lonely).

Hi, I'm new here. I can relate to those feelings.

I think you should know that posting your story and updating us on your journey is a tremendous offering of chizzuk, advice, and comfort, in its own right.

Giving to others can be done in many ways, many times it's done through PROPERLY focusing on ourselves.

Hatzlocho!

MinHamayim

How are you doing friend?