Thanks "yitzchokm"... (how do i do that quote thingy?) ...anyways, I would enjoy a masculine bear hug, even though I have SSA. That wouldn't trigger me b/c I know and accept it's being done out of genuine caring, not as a form of sexual affection (if that wasn't the case, of course that would be different). So thank you "Hashem Help Me" - I feel your healthy hug and appreciate your kind words.

>>Time heals, right? Wrong.

I heard that there is a part in the brain called the amygdala which holds the emotions. It does not have time and place features, meaning that even as time goes by, the trauma etc. does not just go away by itself.

Be well!

How are you doing, friend?

I'm struggling. It's complicated. I'm sexually attracted to guys and have been since I was a kid. I want their validation, love, and acceptance. It's from all the abuse I've been through. I need to accept myself and what happened, and to heal. It will take time.

I understand. Hashem should send you a complete recovery.

Great that you are in touch with yourself. the painful reality is that using sexuality as a pain reliever does not work. Sexual activity does not equal validation, love, and acceptance. Healthy male friendships would accomplish much more.... Hatzlocha buddy. 

Thank you for your words. It's hard to talk about what causes my behavior. I don't think I'm using sexuality as a pain killer though. At least, I don't think I am. It's confusing to me. There's an imperative need to love myself in the way I was abused.

Is that the yetzer hara or trauma reenactment? All I know is that I want to stop doing it b/c it's asur and it only makes me feel worse afterwards. But I never learn my lesson, and I'm compelled to do it again and again. I can't explain to you why. It's senseless.

Therapy sounds like a good place to sort this out

feelinghurt wrote on 03 Mar 2024 18:37:

You wrote that you are looking for love, acceptance and validation. You might have other reasons too related to abuse or something else. I had SSA as a child but not as an adult and I never went for therapy so I don't know whether what I am doing is right but I still have a need for love, acceptance and validation. I receive it through healthy male friendships that aren't sexual. If I understood correctly, HHM was also referring to this. SSA is probably much more complex than this and abuse definitely is more complex but perhaps this is a goal that can be reached through therapy.

Please don't consider yourself a sicko. You are struggling with something that many other people struggle with and the struggle was forced upon you. It doesn't define you as a person and it doesn't deserve a negative connotation; it is simply something you have to work on. Defining oneself as a personal failure feeds the beast and causes a person to give up working on himself. Instead, focus on therapy and healing. Hopefully, one day you will feel better.

I haven't posted much on the SSA forum before so I ask forgiveness if I overstepped boundaries. I would appreciate criticism if I posted something wrong.

feelinghurt wrote on 03 Mar 2024 18:37:


Well then i guess we all are "legit sickos" as well - whatever that means.

No one said anything wrong. I don't judge anyone about a problem I have that I can't understand myself. I need love, acceptance, and validation from guys. What triggers these feelings are guys that remind me of my abuser. Sometimes it's weird stuff like his ears, his eyes, or something in his personality - it can be almost anything.

But the result is the same. I'm afraid I'll be rejected or made fun of. So I turn away. I feel so unloved, lonely, and there's this deep hole in my heart. Usually I just start crying, and depression isn't far away. Things can quickly unravel from there...I feel something is broken inside me and I'm trying to fix it by "loving myself". It's like I must do it. Now maybe you can understand why I'm so confused about myself...

And what you wrote is exactly what so many of us experienced, depression and all. But we all have to learn that the holes in our hearts can only be filled with self-love - not love begged for or imagined from some outside source. A good chaver, and even a spouse cannot fill that hole. There are people that can help guide you how to appreciate and love yourself. Hatzlocha buddy. Yes, it is painful, but BH there is hope.

Hi Everyone, I just wanted to post and say I'm still around, and although I'm struggling and hurting, I hope to go back to therapy soon. What hurts is the feeling I never had a childhood or adolescence. It's just memories of pain and chaos. Worst of all, I feel so messed up inside me, like I'm some kind of mutation of human life. Having SSA, and at the same time, finding girls repulsive is a big part of my confusion and despair.

feelinghurt wrote on 26 Mar 2024 17:23:

So much pain...
Please remember, we are always here for you.
Keep us posted.

feelinghurt wrote on 26 Mar 2024 17:23:

My friend, I'm crying along with you. I'm so sorry for your pain. May Hashem help you fond true healing. We are here for you in any way we can be