Amazing think there is a geshmake sidrei tahara on them! Brings them out kdarko.

I am remembering how helpful it is for to write my thoughts down. It helps me clarify them and I want to share them with the oilam to hear feedback.It's been a little while so sorry for the length.Warning! Reader's discretion advised!
After a few discussions with some special GYE rabbeim - (yes they are now my rabbeim and, yes, I owe them a debt of endless thanks that I don't think I will be able to fulfill) and much thought on my part I am finally starting to understand where I went wrong.
Intimacy isn't just a physical experience, act, or pleasure. It isn't even just a simple but powerful enhancement to the emotional aspect of a real marriage relationship.
Real true intimacy is the creation of a multifaceted, intricate, caring, loving emotional AND physical relationship. Real true intimacy does not only take place in the bedroom, rather it takes place throughout the day. Even the physical side of it isn't about the physical pleasure, rather about the experience of connecting in a physical way - almost as Adam and Chavah before Hashem split them (עיין גמ עירובין יח עמוד א). It's true that it may end up in the culmination of that in an act of complete intimacy, however, it need not reach that point for it to be a real act of intimacy.
(BH I think that I actually have achieved some success in this regard by having some open conversations with my wife (courtesy of my new Rebbi). I explained to her that from now on she is n charge and we are only going to go as far as she wants. I made sure to reiterate it a few times. I also made mention of it in the bedroom and BH it went over very well and was very appreciated!What I really need to remind myself is that this is not a need rather a desire. I will be fine without it. I will not shrivel up and die if we aren't together for a few nights...or even a week or longer!)
I think that this is helping understand the answer to a question that has bothered me for years. How in the world am I supposed to want to not look? It's assur so I can't but i want to because it's enjoyable. I think that now I can understand the answer. If I can learn to internalize the proper view on intimacy, these inappropriate images are the antithesis of true sexuality. Why would I want to ruin the beautiful picture of true intimacy that I have built for myself? I DON'T want to look!
One lingering question...how does this lead me to not look at women I am talking to already (i.e. at kiddush in shul, cashier, etc.) in a sexual way? Any thoughts?(P.S. For the יודעי ספר amongst us: As a present for my Mesiras Nefesh to learn through this tumultuous time of which a severe lack of focus is a constant - Hashem sent me a tremendous present to be מכוין to the Maharsha AND Maharam in the sugya of וסתות on נדה I think daf סד - no chavrusa for like a week!!!! It is a shvere sugya and it felt very good in chabura to be מכוין to this. Being that I have spoken to "the Rebbe" I was actually able to enjoy the moment and feel really good about it - even though I don't remember them right now.)

proudyungerman wrote on 12 Jan 2024 04:00:

A lot of nice stuff. One thought: I was where you are now not that long ago. I know the type of thing that you are going through in your bedroom. Remember, it's important that it be as natural as possible. Of course, it will take time. Just keep in mind that it's not good to keep reminding her that she doesn't have to do whatever. Use your beans, you'll do a great job
Keep trucking, holy friend!

bright wrote on 12 Jan 2024 06:47:


Lol! My R"C quoted them in chabura but I was long gone by them! #nochavrusa

The last couple of days have been quite a ride. No, BH, no major urges, temptations, or falls. However, a ride no less crazy it has been. To make a long story short, I had to open up to my wife about everything that I had done. Phone lines, pics on the internet, books, etc. The works. That was the hardest conversation I ever had (and hope to ever have!!) in my life.

When I first came on to GYE and spoke to IWLR it was like a balm on my scorched soul. I am normal! I can be a ben torah and still struggle...and overcome! I thought that I had begun my healing and subsequent freedom from this shmutz. I learnt this week that I hadn't.

When I was forced to open up to my wife and detail my deeds it hit me like a monster truck straight between the eyes. The pain that I felt - both of what I had done to myself and what I had done to my wife - was (and is) indescribable. I cried that night like I never have. With wracking sobs I felt the pain of many things. The pain of the lost dreams of utter purity and innocence snatched away by the introduction to phone lines by a friend. The pain of the lost bochur who so wants to stop being מוציא זרע לבטלה and just didn't have a clue how to. Even his Rebbe who this young Beis Medrash bochur got the courage to confide in could only give him chizuk, but no עצה.
The pain of having inflicted such a terrible pain and hurt onto the most beloved person in my life. 

The pain of the poor lost soul who had to spend so many of his years searching and wandering, captive of his own demons, wondering if he ever manage to break free and escape to live the life he always wanted - בקדושה ובטהרה.

But I also felt the pain of having done such despicable, disgusting actions. Actions that are not befitting of any human being with a צלם אלוקים, let alone a Ben Torah. As I lay in bed that night, crying, I wondered, can I ever really respect myself? Can I ever come to terms with the actions I have done? With hurt that I have caused? For this I turn to you my dear friends, ידידים נאמנים, for help. Please help me digest what I have done. Help me accept the pain and suffering that I have caused so that I may start my journey anew.

What's left for me is to mourn those lost opportunities. For that...another post!
(I do not mean to enter the deep, philosophical discussions about if this was always my way, or if my derech changed. For that see many other threads and posts.Although, I did hear a rumor on the dark gye that there is going to be a comprehensive kuntres written on this topic in the King's English...Did anyone see any sign of life from the author??)

My dear Chaver, 

Now is not the time to mourn the past. And certainly not the time for philosophy.
Here is a warm, understanding hug.
Now, take my hand. Now is time for you to rise. 

You have wings. You are not the victim of your past mistakes. You are courageous and you have glimmers of greatness, there is truth in your heart. 
Today is here, and the sky is blue, and your heart is like an open highway. 

Walk forward, into the light. To the extent that your regret empowers you, fine. Otherwise, it’s not the time to dwell on the past. Today is the time for today. You are a Ben Torah, a Oved  Elohim. Use your wings. 
Your wife deserves it. You deserve it. You have made the choice of a better future. 

You have the gift of a wonderful today. 

אוהב ימים לראות טוב
חזק ונתחזק 

חיים

My dear Chaver, 

Now is not the time to mourn the past. And certainly not the time for philosophy.
Here is a warm, understanding hug.
Now, take my hand. Now is time for you to rise. 

You have wings. You are not the victim of your past mistakes. You are courageous and you have glimmers of greatness, there is truth in your heart. 
Today is here, and the sky is blue, and your heart is like an open highway. 

Walk forward, into the light. To the extent that your regret empowers you, fine. Otherwise, it’s not the time to dwell on the past. Today is the time for today. You are a Ben Torah, a Oved  Elohim. Use your wings. 
Your wife deserves it. You deserve it. You have made the choice of a better future. 

You have the gift of a wonderful today. 

אוהב ימים לראות טוב
חזק ונתחזק 

חיים

"eerie" post=407279 date=1705609596 catid=19

chaimoigen wrote on 18 Jan 2024 02:16:

Third the motion. Wow.
Reb PY, you are an inspiration! You should respect yourself for being able to open up and post about yourself. You should respect yourself for being able to pick up the phone and get help. You should respect yourself for all the things you have done right.
And you should respect the person you are becoming!
Yes, it's painful to look back. So don't. Not now. Remember to be kind when judging yourself. You weren't taught the tools needed to overcome many of the things thrown your way.
Now, take Reb CO's outstreched hand, and know that the guy holding his other hand is me.
Together, we can soar