Even after all the work I have done thus far, to take this step is painful. (Although I know it will also bring relief and much good advice! Yes I am looking forward to it!)
My story - the full story:
(I hope this isn't too long. Even though it probably is. Sorry, it's gotta come out somewhere.)
I was a very temimusdika kid who had no clue what went on between husband and wife. (I remember learning about the parsha of sotah and having to ask my mother what a sotah was...)
In 8th grade a friend of mine introduced me to the wonderful world of the paid phone lines. At the time I didn't really understand what was going on.
Later on towards the end of ninth grade I discovered the experience of being מוציא זרע לבטלה. I was taken aback and didn't fall again until succos bein hazmanim. From that point on it was downhill and quick. I spent the next 6 years with tremendous struggles in this inyan. At some point I realized what it was that my friend was showing me back in 8th grade and I included that in my struggle (just the opening messages - I never dreamed of actually talking to a random lady.) All the while I was learning in a prestigious yeshiva and doing very well there. I remember opening up to a very close friend and to a Rebbi of mine about the struggles with זרע לבטלה. They were both מחזק me, however, nothing seemed to work. Even when I tried to throw myself into my learning it always ended in a fall. I think the longest I went in yeshiva was about a month. At some point in third year beis medrash I realized that the struggles and temptations had lessened in a serious way. I still don't know why, but that's the way it was for a while. After I got married and BH that seemed to be the end of it. Phew! Fast forward 6 years...living in a small out of town community...in Kollel...learning and involved communally...I find myself looking at inappropriate pictures and reading inappropriate articles online. This was a first for me. Help! (Yes, the Kollel didn't have the proper filters, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to access them. At home I didn't have my own computer, we have had techloq for years, and I don't know the password to my wife's computer.) I was pretty confused as to what was going on. I had no idea why I was doing this besides for...it's enjoyable. I decided that as I am trying to fix the filter situation in the Kollel I was going to get myself a computer with a filter to use while I am at the Kollel. As I was trying to convince my wife to agree to me having a computer it ended up coming out. Now my wife knows. I reached out to a Rebbi of mine. He gave me some advice which was basically helpful. For a little while. Fast forward one year. A few months ago I was feeling really tempted and then...I did it. I ended up calling one of these phone lines and talking to some ladies. This went on for a few short weeks until I realized that this will destroy my life if I don't get help and FAST! I reached out to some of my Rebbeim who in turn directed me to a therapist. I have been working with him for a few months and have seen some real improvement. I know that my case is pretty mild but I came here to get some chizuk from my Holy brothers, some guidance and mussar from some mentors, and some advice from anyone who has good ideas. 
Looking forward to hearing from y'all!

תורת ה תמימה משיבת נפש
proudyungerman@gmail.com

Welcome. Well written. It should be with hatzlocha.

Welcome to the guard your eyes forum! GYE is a family of guys who have come together to grow, to support, and to help each other in a common struggle. Your story although so painful and real is unfortunately the story of so many of us.

Being that you sound like a real ben torah, I can relate to the pain that you must feel. Being that I'm sitting in kollel, I know just what that stiradika feeling is like. On one hand you're shteiging in ruchniyus, on the other hand you're struggling with this stuff. It's super hard...

I struggled with pornography and masturbation for over 15 years. With help from wonderful friends that I made here, and with learning tools how to overcome my struggles properly I have finally tasted freedom! Tonight is 4 months free for me and iy"h by you!!!

Hatzlacha Raba

Welcome!! I would suggest reading r‘ iwannalivereals thread (rabosai im living real) and r‘ eeries thread (its all in the name) and check out the amazing book the battle of the generation. 

It is so amazing to be able to have rebbeim. You are a real grower from the sounds of it! Keep us posted!

welcome aboard, we are here with you!
looking forward to your succes!

Welcome! Try strengthening yourself with these great free resources:
1) The Battle of the Generation: a sensational free ebook that seriously gets you excited to fight and win this fight. It's a real game-changer.
2) The Fight: an incredible audio series from Rabbi Shafier.
Links are below in my signature.
Wishing you much success!

proudyungerman wrote on 03 Jan 2024 04:12:

Hi and welcome to GYE!
It's good to hear that you're really doing hard work to be on the right track!

Here are a few tips that have been repeated many times on this forum (so it's a sign that these things work) ...

CONNECT with someone. (I know you're doing this already)The opposite of addiction is not sobriety - it's CONNECTION. Addiction thrives on isolation! Find someone that you can share your pain and struggles with. And finally, have someone who can cheer you on and celebrate your both big and small wins with you!

Plan Ahead - Be proactive. As they say, "If you fail to plan - you plan to fail". The yetzer horah rarely tries to fight us when were doing well, he looks for opportunities when we're down and out or caught off guard. When we are tired, moody or stressed....

Take the journey one day at a time. You might have times of sheer elation, times of utter frustration and times of vulnerability when you’ll think that all your success might evaporate. Buckle up and get ready for the journey of a lifetime!

Don't become complacent; "I'm already in a good place, I don't need to be vigilant anymore". COMPLACENCY IS THE BEGINNING OF YOUR LAST CLEAN DAY. While this day can sometimes last a while, if we're complacent, it's just a matter of time before we get caught off guard.

Focus on the benefits of Kedusha. The struggle, then, is no longer between enjoying a certain pleasure and giving it up, but rather between choosing one pleasure in favour of another one. Sending ourselves positive messages and cultivating a positive attitude might be far more helpful.

Thanks for the response and support!

"Focus on the benefits of Kedusha. The struggle, then, is no longer between enjoying a certain pleasure and giving it up, but rather between choosing one pleasure in favour of another one. Sending ourselves positive messages and cultivating a positive attitude might be far more helpful."

Great idea! Any thoughts on how to work on this??

proudyungerman wrote on 03 Jan 2024 18:55:

One idea:  You can read this book guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation so members have a daily shiur in this amazing book...

proudyungerman wrote on 03 Jan 2024 18:55:

Welcome to the family, my friend! We are here to stand by you, to hold your hand, to hear you out, and chiefly, to be your friend. This a wonderful place, we care for you. Please stick around, my friend
As far as your question in the piece I quoted above, please do yourself a favor and read IWLR's thread, called Rabbosai I'm living real. Besides for answering your question it is an unreal inspiration
Keep posting....and trucking!

Thanks! I already ordered the book I should have it by Sunday. I am very excited to read it.

So far so good - no major urges or falls today...and I thank Hashem for that!!

Torah thought for the day: The Passuk says תכבד העבודה על האנשים ויעשו בה ואל ישעו בדברי שקר. The Mesilas Yesharim explains that פרעה's idea was to make us so busy that we would not have a second to think. If we don't think we can't ever come up with any ideas to get out. How amazing it is to be here - a place of clear thought - ממנו נהנין עצה ותושיה! 

Welcome.  
Your post is very relatable, and you are courageous for opening up about your story and posting here. Asking for help is hard. But what a relief…. 

You’ll find many B’nai Torah here, unfortunately. And the good news is that there is real hope. It’s so much better to walk this road and climb this climb together with Chaverim, not all alone with the agony of secrecy and silence… 
Stick around, read some of the threads. There’s a lot to learn from the special folks here. 
There is hope here! You CAN break free, with Siyata Dishmaya. So many others, often with far more painful histories, have managed to do so, and are living in a whole different way than they have imagined. 
Please stay in touch! 

Here’s a warm hand, 
מאן דבעי חיים

chaimoigen wrote on 05 Jan 2024 01:11:

who else is the יצר הרע trying to get if not the בני תורה??????????
its not unfortunate, its the battle that was giving, with love from hashem, for us to overcome, and to reach even greater hights then the previous generations!
even if we fell/fall/and will fall, as long as your on your feet now at this present moment your a winners!
## the battle of the generation.