Day 268 (since I called HHM)
Day 271 (since I first spoke to IWLR)

To think that I’d be able to come into the Yom HaDin, Rosh Hashanah, as a person who is living a life of true cleanliness is something that was simply a pipe dream. (9 months! Almost to the day!) I was just stuck for life. I kept coming back for more, as much as I hated what it was, what it did to me, and how it made me feel.

I’m struggling to find the right words to express the emotions that I’m feeling as I write this.
The freedom and depth that has been unlocked inside of me is beyond description. 
Maybe, just maybe, there's a small hole being created...פתחו לי כפתחו של מחט...

ואפרוש כפי אל ה' ובקשתי שטוחה לפני בוחן כליות ולב שאזכה לילך מעלה מעלה ואזכה לקבל פני משיח צדקינו בקדושה וטהרה אמיתית בקרוב ממש!!

I would like to share a thought on תשובה that I have spent a lot of time experiencing, and then contemplating recently. It may seem simple, but for me it was eye opening.

For many years I wondered about the feasibility of doing a true, real Teshuva on these עבירות. (Masturbation, phone sex lines, fantasizing, and plain old ogling for those who’d rather it like that.) Since I have joined GYE about nine months ago, a seedling of hope was born, deep, deep inside of me.

I guess the best way to say it is straight. I’ve finally figured how to do a real, true תשובה. I finally experienced a real, hard, lasting internal change. Change that leads to so much more organic, natural growth that is simply an outcome of the internal work done.

I was able to understand where my understanding of intimacy and sexuality was skewed and where my self perception was totally off. Changing those two flawed perspectives lead to the organic growth of “The Real Me” of today. The actual real me.
(This does not, I repeat DOES NOT, negate the tremendous impact of the friends I have made here.)

(As an aside, I think that if someone does effect this kind of change and then falls it doesn’t negate the work done. Instead, I think, a deeper, stronger internalization of the proper outlook, perspective, etc. is needed. That will lead to continued upwards growth. I think.)

Amazing post my friend!

Those feelings you describe of heading into the Yomim Noraim differently than you've been doing for years and years is incredible. Feeling it too!

Glad to have you as a friend - Keep it up!

Interesting day this has been...


I woke up this morning feeling that wonderful, heavy עשי"ת feeling/pressure weighing on me, giving me tons of motivation to get up and tackle the day...

I was thinking about YK last night and my thoughts meandered on to the idea of doing teshuva on YK for my עבירות from the year. That line of thinking got very heavy, dark, and depressing pretty quickly.

I decided that maybe this year is still for strengthening my core - appreciating who I am, what I accomplish, really enjoying and loving myself. Hopefully when I can do that, then I'll be able to properly dwell on my previous struggles and failures from the proper frame of mind.


---

I wanted to share a win with the oilam. 
This morning during davening there was a fellow who was davening in front of me. When he finished shemonah esrey, he pulled out his phone, and started scrolling. I know from previous experiences that there will various SM or messaging apps viewed, which will be filled with pictures I'd rather not see, especially in my tallis and tefillin. 
I decided to close my eyes for the remainder of ש"ע.  I also realized that it was going to be very hard for me if Ii didn't appreciate, and enjoy, my victory.
I stopped in the middle of ש"ע and thought for a few seconds about the opportunity that I had in front of me, and how big of a deal it is if I can successfully keep my eyes closed.
I was able to dredge up some geshmak, kept my eyes closed, and ran across the room as soon as I finished.

It was also an important lesson for me that I really need to spend more time learning about this yesod, thinking about it with the goal to really internalize it, and be able to carry it with me always.

Right now I am feeling some tough feelings in my life out here in Burma. 
They're ichy feelings that lead me to frustration, grumpiness, cynicism, and more.
It doesn't seem like there's a simple way out of this right now, rather that Hashem wants me to learn how to work on making the best of this situation.
That being said, it still doesn't feel good to be constantly down and in the dumps.

(I have noticed that just throwing myself into my learning during seder as well as really being present when I am with my family have been helpful in at least pushing off the feelings. (Thanks to richtig for talking about this a lot, it helped me...) 
Then again, it's not easy to get myself to do that, hence the test from Above.)

proudyungerman wrote on 05 Nov 2024 02:28:

I just wanna know what the edit was that you justified by blaming Thompson.

Oh but since I hit the post button I'll say more words.

Nitwit. Odment. Blubber. Tweak.

(If you want to hear scary, Google confirms that my memory of that quote was 95% accurate:grimacing: . )

And some more words.

Be grateful that your reaction is frustration and grumpiness, but you don't need to act out to escape those feelings.

Anyway.

Life sucks and then you die, but why bother getting upset about that?

chosemyshem wrote on 05 Nov 2024 03:53:

That thought of not needing to act out was definitely in my mind, however, I wasn't interested in the post turning into a celebration. I am dealing with a tough situation and wanted to write about it.
This doesn't in any way shape or form take away from the validity of the thought and the joy it brings me.

---

Another point, yesterday's Vayimaen video really brought out a powerful point that many here, myself included, have been trying to make for a long time.

Please reach out and join our community!
We will listen, accept, cry, laugh, sigh, grimace, and everything else with you! You won't regret it!

Most of all, we will NOT judge you.

How can we, after we've been there ourselves...

The ups and downs of life...
Stress. Money. Repeat....

Past week or so I've been slipping a bit in my shemiras einayim. It was interesting to me how I was able to notice my growth in this area precisely as I was (am) slipping. BH, it ain't too bad, but it needs to get better. 

Over Shabbos I experienced a kiss from Hashem! We had over 3 single girls and somehow, someway I was able to talk to them like normal human beings and not pay particular attention to any other details. It was nice to learn that it is actually possible to achieve.

Thanks for the pick-me-up!! 

Say it LOUD, say it PROUD 
KOMT!!! 

Yesterday's Vayimaen video hit me deep in my heart.

The idea that I can and should appreciate the situation that Hashem hand picked for me, especially in this area, is something I've struggled with since I started my journey. I've written about it a bit and thought about it a lot more. This video helped me internalize it a bit more.
(It was also very helpful in reframing my outlook on some of the other issues I'm dealing with now.) 

Thank you for sharing that. Truly powerful. If anyone know where the רבנו בחיי he quoted is, I'd appreciate it. I've been looking for a source that says this for a while.

Same! I heard this רבנו בחיי a while ago, although the way I heard it, the neshama chooses its nisyonos. I'm sure though that the way R' Shmelzer quoted it is the accurate version, but I've never been able to find it..

amevakesh wrote on 14 Nov 2024 16:03:

Dvarim 22 8
www.sefaria.org.il/Deuteronomy.22.8?lang=he&with=Rabbeinu%20Bahya&lang2=he

Thank you for sharing!

To expand on this idea:

This is our unique tikun. It is a job that Hashem entrusted to us, because He knows that we are the ones who have the power to bring kedusha and expel this darkness from the world. That other guy who doesn’t have this nisayon, it is for a reason, he cannot do what you can do. No one has the strength to beat this but you, and so Hashem has chosen for you specifically this nisayon. You are His champion warrior to succeed where all others would fail. You are His hope. This is part of bishvili nivra oilam. How can one despair, when the Borei Olam Himself has attested that YOU AND ONLY YOU CAN DO THIS!

Yaasher Koach

I feel like I'm living in a fog that has taken away my ability to give it my all. I can do (most) of what I have to do (sometimes), but the fire is frustratingly just (far?) out of reach. I am pushing off a bunch of random and important things that need to be taken care of because I don't have the drive...
When this started I wasn't sure what exactly was causing this feeling, but now I think I have it figured out.
(P.S. Doesn't mean that it's goin' away so quickly...)

One interesting realization I had recently while I was trying to figure this all out is that I have subconsciously been looking to escape the stress that I am dealing with. When that hit me, a lot of things I had been wondering about started to fall into place. (Like why I couldn't find anything that i wanted to read - I needed something light and really interesting because I needed to escape reality. Alas, escape stills eludes me, I fear, until my dying day after 120...)

One thing that I'm still struggling with is trying to figure out how to live with the stress/pain in a healthy way so that I can continue to grow amidst challenge.

    This may not help for your scenari but when im stressed and anxious about having to do so many things, and I find it hard to even know where to start, which feeds the anxiety, which then feeds the stress. in a never ending loop. I came to realize that I have to start no matter what.
    Just starting on something productive even if it's not necessarily related to the most pressing thing helps me get in the mode of doing which releives a bit of stress. For example I have a lot of work to do but I start being productive by doing the dishes or some other mundane but productive task.
    As with everything this is a lot easier said than done. I still am working on myself in this area.
    
   Also if the stress and anxiety create an urge just remind yourself that it wont actually help the stress and anxiety bc there will still be work to done. So after you would be stressed, anxious, and have to deal with ghe aftermath of a fall which is not easy and can make the anxiety and stress worse.

I hope this helps.

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!