I try and connect to the person, the actual human with a Neshoma. It helps in a lot of ways. I can elaborate if necessary. 

(But it’s important not to connect too well, obviously. This works for casual meetings, NOT for people you will be meeting long-term. Thats dangerous and foolish.)

chaimoigen wrote on 29 Jul 2024 04:05:

Totally missed this the first time around.
That would be great!

Just scanned through your thread, you are even more incredible than I thought, thanks so much!

Blah.
The ups and downs of life.
Clarity that leads to more confusion and more decisions.

Summer.
Being that it is summer vacation and bein hazmanim now, I am tryin' to spend some quality time with my family. 
We went to the zoo yesterday. Unfortunately, there were way more of the two-legged species than the four legged kind.
Bah. 

Went somewhere last night and wasn't as careful as I could've and should've been. Suffering the consequences of that today.
Doin' ok, but should be in a better place...

But the truth is that BH life is good, it's just a matter of me choosing what to focus on.
The YH likes to get me down, frustrated, grumpy, and generally in bad mood. And he did.

But, with the proper focus, I am starting to come to terms with my current frustrations and limitations, and focus on the positive. It helps to learn, too.

I am hoping to have the strength to pull myself out of this rut by focusing on the positive as well as the things I can change, learn well the rest of bein hazmanim, learn to start accepting those things that I can't change (and figure out how to work with them, too...) and through that come into the new   zman with a decent amount of positivity and real, good cleanliness to boot!

proudyungerman wrote on 08 Aug 2024 16:48:

Who says you should be in a better place? הקב"ה put you here and you were עומד בנסיון.
Today you are where you should be today.

Look forward and keep flying!

138eagle wrote on 08 Aug 2024 20:37:

Sorry, let me clarify what I meant.
Last night I went to Dave and Buster's. It's not the best place to go, and I've been pushing it off for a while. I felt I needed to escape a little so I went with a friend. While I was there I ended up watching some of the Olympics. Again not the best idea, but what I actually watched was women's field hockey, among other things.

That is something I shouldn't have done, and I regret it. (In fact, I regretted it as I was doing it...) 
To me, that's not called being עומד בנסיון.That's why I said that I'm doin' ok but should be in a better place.
And I'm on the way there right now.

One way to think about it, which you’ve basically written in your last post, is this: 

When you experience something that shows that you’re still a work in progress, that you still have work to accomplish, and you recognise the flaws that still plague you: Well that’s the beginning of climbing on to the next rung up the ladder!

Staying the same is for after we’re dead. 

Love, 
      Chaim 

Some recent thoughts...

1) I gained a deeper understanding of what real teshuva is recently. For years, and still today, when I make a mistake many times my reaction is something along the lines of: Shucks! Did it again! I guess I'll have to try harder next time. I then proceed to strengthen myself so that it shouldn't happen again.
The problem with this process is that whatever brought about my current failure isn't going to change/improve/go away just because I steeled myself and tried harder or because I said "No! That's not going to happen again!" 
There is clearly a deeper issue that needs to be resolved in order to prevent further failure.

This is something I realized towards the beginning of my journey. My new realization is that this is possible for every single mistake we make and every struggle we have. Through searching internally for the root cause of my failure can lead me upwards on to the next rung of the ladder. This is something that can take place at an infinite number of levels.
(I got this mashal from F2F, but to me it seems like spiraling upwards. At each new level of growth there's still more to do. As I struggle at my new level, it's up to me to keep strengthening the foundational issue and through that achieve continuous growth.)
[As an aside, through this, I think I started understanding how Yiras Shamayim works. ודו"ק]

I then realized that this post probably means exactly that...
chaimoigen wrote on 09 Aug 2024 08:02:




2) It always bothers me and makes me squirm inside whenever people brush off the necessity of filtering flip phones, because "it's so slow, you gotta be crazy to do anything bad on it" or similar things.
Guess what? I guess I'm crazy. The only time I ever watched a pit of porn was...on a flip phone.
I guess I got too much of that recently, so thanks for listening.

3) Still struggling badly with street sights and the like...how can I wrest back control of another bit of lust from the YH?
Any ideas?
    3a) Any ideas on how to implement humanizing the person? Always been a struggle for me...
    3b) I also find myself being the "Tznius Police". Any ideas how to combat that?

Great stuff, PY! 

On the topic of street sights, I got to know every stone in ירושלים on my visit to Israel.... even then, I saw too much.......

I say you do your best, and let Hashem do the rest!

אשריך that you're on the level to be busy with details of שמירת עינים. I don't mean to minimize the necessity of working on it, but appreciate the level you've achieved....

With tons of brotherly love,
Muttel

proudyungerman wrote on 27 Aug 2024 17:56:

Great post - maybe you should break your phone more often I guess it forces you to post more

1) Maskim, lotta truth.  How is that how yiras shamayim works? 

2) Bang on point. It used to make me terribly uncomfortable when people talked about anything to do with internet safety/filters and whatnot. Would literally start squirming I felt so guilty. That's gotten way better since joining GYE and drilled a peephole through the wall of shame. Now, I mostly just get annoyed at people who talk vaguely about the issues instead of banging on the bima and telling everyone that their kids with unfiltered internet are watching porn. It's not about cake, it's about offering yourself to Moloch!! 

3) Gallon of paint. Once you throw it on them, you won't be able to see them. That's a win for the tznuis police. 
Actually, out in Burma you may need more paint than you can comfortably carry. Maybe not a great idea.

I feel you on this one. Humanizing never worked for me - it's hard for me to humanize people I know, let alone people on the street. Since I have no advice, I'll just share a progress I had this shabbos. I was walking around and I realized that I didn't have to fight myself to not look at the women I saw. 

You know that amazing feeling on the first warm day of spring, when you walk outside and it's warm and you relax. And only when you relax do you realize that the entire winter you've been tensing up against the cold every time you walk outside (you may not have this feeling in Burma). But that's what it felt like. A whole world of tension disappeared. 

Now, by Sunday I was back to the tension. But it was a taste of a beautiful world. I wish I knew how I got there.

Good stuff. 

This won’t work from across the street, but when I interact with women in offices, stores, etc, I make eye contact and connect slightly, human to human. Makes it far less likely to take shameful glances and less likely for me to want to. 

When I am in a park with my kids or similar I find it can help to try to relate to the women there (with their kids) as mothers. Interact slightly with them as such (point out when her daughter is trying to get her attention etc). Helps similarly. 

WARNING. This is dangerous to try with women that you have regular interactions with, such as those with whom you share an office, as it can turn very easily into a casual relationship, and that’s a different kind of danger zone. 

When walking in the street or even driving I make sure to pretty much always be on the phone. I’ve ended up full blocks in the wrong direction, too focussed on my conversation to remember where I was supposed to be going. Esmeralda hates when I do that. When I’m with her I try to focus on her instead. Except when I am on the phone. Sigh. 

Wait! I missed my turn! Darn it

chosemyshem wrote on 27 Aug 2024 18:54:

Amazing!!!!

I think that once you get there, even if the next time you do not feel you are in the same beautiful world, you are now not an outsider to that world and will be invited back again soon.

Keep Flying!!

Thanks for all the responses! Nothin' like the GYE fam...
Muttel wrote on 27 Aug 2024 18:31:

I definitely agree that once I've done my best, the rest is out of my hands. I am trying to figure out if there are some more attitudes or ideas that may help me improve more.

As an aside, I don't think that I have left the rest of the battle behind.
Complacency is the gateway to hell. (And I ain't headed back there!)

Just last night as I realized that I didn't have my phone and (thought) I had no ability to be in touch with my GYE chaveirim, I suddenly was hit by a strong wave of vulnerability. I am now alone. All alone. 
(Mind you, without a phone or access to internet what exactly I am going to do is unclear, and I hope I wouldn't have been stupid enough to use my wife's phone...)
That was dangerous!
I B"H then realized that I can still use my google voice number and I immediately texted HHM. Calm waters returned, but the undercurrent is still there, stronger than it was before.
(That was forgotten thought #4)

Silly question: If you forgot your phone, how did you call HHH with your Google number?

adam2014 wrote on 28 Aug 2024 09:04:

I often use my computer, with a headset for google voice calls