Post for today:
Thank y'all for the warm welcome and responses. It is very much appreciated and welcomed.
For me today was a day of questions. Here goes...
As a newcomer to the forum (and gye) it has been quite amazing to read, connect, and relate to some much of the content here. I have noticed that since my coming I have been experiencing more urges than in recent days - almost like a low constant urge. I have also noticed that there is a part of me that is just not interested in continuing the battle. Why now? I am only here because of a bad fall, spoke to my Rebbi, don't want my life down the drain, etc...Why can't that מנוול just leave me alone?
Why me?
Why is it so HARD??
Just plain WHY? I just don't like it! It's so blah!
(My organized thoughts have flown the coop...have no fear they'll be back another time. Help! Am I actually posting this for everyone?!?)

P.S. I am looking for support for my wife. It is a serious need and if anyone has any ideas it would be greatly appreciated!

Def hear that. Its a question that has bothered me for a long time....

Why is it so hard you ask. Because anything worth doing in life is hard. Next you ask why me this is a useless question to ponder because the answer is because that’s what G-d wants from you. And then you ask just plain Why? Because life sucks then you die and you just gotta make lemonade when life gifts you with a bunch of lemons

This sounds like it is a normal feeling, maybe your more sensitive to urges you had all along only now you pick up on them because your focusing on the inyan. And yes sometimes we lose our regular very organized thoughts when overrun with emotions. Don't worry, that at least will pass with time as well as continuing to create connections with others and the normalization of the struggle.
I feel for you, this is a tough situation your going through. IYH things will get better, until then take it one step at a time, and even if you slip and fall just get back up and keep moving in the right direction.
I found that GYE really helps with the getting back up, because you connect with so many others and can post about what happened and get positive and motivational feedback from people who relate to you.
Hatzlachah! I'm rooting for your perseverance in the face of this tremendous opposition!

foolie wrote on 05 Jan 2024 12:38:

Sorry, I don't know about any of y'all, but I can't accept this.I cannot accept that Hashem made this entire creation just for life to be horrible. In fact, I believe that Hashem wants us to enjoy life. We might have to work hard to access the proper enjoyment, but enjoy we should! Isn't that clear from so many mitzvos that actually physical actions that are enjoyable? Isn't that clear from the tremendously deep, ethereal pleasure that comes from a real davening? A full seder of true עמילות בתורה? (Especially if you end up getting pshat!)

100% true. The world is an amazing place full of enjoyment, we just blow it with chasing our desires and fantasies. See first piece in michtav meliyahu.

proudyungerman wrote on 07 Jan 2024 01:04:

Don’t accept it. But then stop asking Why? And Why me? If you want to ask those questions then that’s the answer.  You can’t have it both ways

Mesilas yesharim tells us that Hashem created us in order to give us pleasure, he goes on to say that the primary place for this pleasure is b'emes in olam haba. It sounds like b'emes it's in olam haba but there's still some taste of it in olam hazeh. So yes this world is supposed to be pleasurable but we have to define enjoyment.

Enjoyment doesn't equal doing what's easy. The easiest thing to do on any given day is just to stay in bed and just watch movies all day long but I can guarantee that it won't make a person happy, in fact it will probably breed depression. True happiness comes from things that are challenges to overcome. For some people, it's going to the gym and working very hard, but for those who know it feels great when you're done. Same thing about learning a piece of gemara. It's hard work but the harder it is, the more geshmak it is. 
People here can attest that when you accomplish conquering this menuval it's an amazing feeling of happiness, davka because it's so hard. If it was easy it wouldn't have that effect. L'amashal I didn't eat a cheeseburger my entire life, yet i get no satisfaction from having shlita on this avera, because there's no challenge in it.

This might answer the question "Why me?"

.צדקת הצדיק אות מד. מי שיש לו תשוקה גדולה לתאות הגוף אל יתעצב בזה לחשוב כמה פגום הוא שיש לו תשוקה כ"כ. כי אדרבא הוא כלי מוכן לתוקף אהבת ודרישת האמת

צדקת הצדיק אות מט. כל אחד ידע שבמה שיצרו תוקפו ביותר הוא כלי מוכן לאותם דברים ביותר להיות נקיים וזכים אצלו. ובדברים שהרבה לפשוע בהם ידע שהוא כלי מוכן להיות דייקא באותו דבר נקי ובר לבב

foolie wrote on 07 Jan 2024 12:42:

Why can't I? I believe what I wrote to be true, yet, at the same time I struggle with understanding everything that happens to me. My hope is to one day be able to appreciate how this struggle changed me. I hope to be able to see how much growth it forced out of me, and how I never would've gotten there without this נסיון. 
I think I can have my cake and eat it too! 

Asking How can I understand what is happening to me is a very different question then Why me? The first question is a question that one who seeks to understand what is happening to them How does this make sense is also a question that one who seeks to understand the events around him and how they relate to him and what he can learn from them Why me? is a complaint it’s the equivalent of saying it’s not fair and life isn’t fair then you die it’s just that simple

so if these new questions that you just posted were the questions you meant to ask originally then yes you may have your cake and eat it too. If these new questions are being posed on top of your original question than whether you get to have your cake and eat it too is debatable 

proudyungerman wrote on 07 Jan 2024 21:54:

You will. You definitely will.

In fact, you can read through some of the threads here, Vehkam's for example, and actually watch a person achieve tremendous growth and even transformation specifically through this נסיון.

Whether that does help or it doesn't - I know the feeling of anger and confusion that can come as a person starts to realize the tremendous burden they've been carrying around for so long. The feelings are painful and powerful and no philosophy will make them totally disappear in a moment.

I can only offer a virtual hug from out here and the simple consolation that while I might never really know how that feels for you but you have people here with you, hearing that pain and feeling it with you.

Keep on trucking, keep on sharing, keep on shteiging and the burden will get lighter and lighter until you cast it off entirely and look back at how you've grown - it's called Breaking Free for a reason!

Wow! Thank you everyone for your answers and warm welcome. B"H I am doing pretty well the last couple of days. I have spoken to some of the amazing people that GYE has around and have found the conversations to be very enlightening. I hope to share some more thoughts later in the week after some more contemplation.

I guess the contemplation hasn't quite happened yet. Either way the journey definitely has gone on, and my, what a challenging journey it is. After getting what I would call GYE "freshie treatment:)" from HHM I am officially part of the crew. After hearing what he had to say and suggest, I started to try to implement it. Changing the way of thinking that I've had for years is HARD. Really hard!! (It's I guess I've come up with a new מהלך in the famous vort from R' Yisrael Salanter - the reason why it's harder to change a midda than learn shas is because it is almost impossible to concentrate on anything when your trying to change internal thought processes!!) Whatever. I guess I'll get it one day. Hopefully soon.

I am remembering how helpful it is for to write my thoughts down. It helps me clarify them and I want to share them with the oilam to hear feedback.It's been a little while so sorry for the length.Warning! Reader's discretion advised!
After a few discussions with some special GYE rabbeim - (yes they are now my rabbeim and, yes, I owe them a debt of endless thanks that I don't think I will be able to fulfill) and much thought on my part I am finally starting to understand where I went wrong.
Intimacy isn't just a physical experience, act, or pleasure. It isn't even just a simple but powerful enhancement to the emotional aspect of a real marriage relationship.
Real true intimacy is the creation of a multifaceted, intricate, caring, loving emotional AND physical relationship. Real true intimacy does not only take place in the bedroom, rather it takes place throughout the day. Even the physical side of it isn't about the physical pleasure, rather about the experience of connecting in a physical way - almost as Adam and Chavah before Hashem split them (עיין גמ עירובין יח עמוד א). It's true that it may end up in the culmination of that in an act of complete intimacy, however, it need not reach that point for it to be a real act of intimacy.
(BH I think that I actually have achieved some success in this regard by having some open conversations with my wife (courtesy of my new Rebbi). I explained to her that from now on she is n charge and we are only going to go as far as she wants. I made sure to reiterate it a few times. I also made mention of it in the bedroom and BH it went over very well and was very appreciated!What I really need to remind myself is that this is not a need rather a desire. I will be fine without it. I will not shrivel up and die if we aren't together for a few nights...or even a week or longer!)
I think that this is helping understand the answer to a question that has bothered me for years. How in the world am I supposed to want to not look? It's assur so I can't but i want to because it's enjoyable. I think that now I can understand the answer. If I can learn to internalize the proper view on intimacy, these inappropriate images are the antithesis of true sexuality. Why would I want to ruin the beautiful picture of true intimacy that I have built for myself? I DON'T want to look!
One lingering question...how does this lead me to not look at women I am talking to already (i.e. at kiddush in shul, cashier, etc.) in a sexual way? Any thoughts?(P.S. For the יודעי ספר amongst us: As a present for my Mesiras Nefesh to learn through this tumultuous time of which a severe lack of focus is a constant - Hashem sent me a tremendous present to be מכוין to the Maharsha AND Maharam in the sugya of וסתות on נדה I think daf סד - no chavrusa for like a week!!!! It is a shvere sugya and it felt very good in chabura to be מכוין to this. Being that I have spoken to "the Rebbe" I was actually able to enjoy the moment and feel really good about it - even though I don't remember them right now.)